Serendipitous Stuff

Slowly, but Surely

How all the things are possibly starting to come together ...

Art history, reading, and books!

Toward the end of last year I responded to a need in the elementary school book room (associated with the library, but its own entity; focus is on sets of books for classroom reading groups). It's the same school where I already volunteer with S.M.A.R.T., so it was a great opportunity to do more. I am happy to say that I am still involved, and helping out with the data entry, labeling and organising is a great way to be around books in an educational environment.

I also started helping with their art appreciation program, which is taught by the wonderful artist Sarah Dooley, who I know from our community garden, but actually met by a serendipitous coincidence of getting to know an artist named Turquoize Moon Dancer. Turquoize (who is in her seventies), was with a group of friends from the senior center at the Interactive Gaming Museum one day when we happened to stop by, and she told me about the school art group, as well as inviting me to an A.T.C. (artist trading cards) craft class at the local stamp shop. I also found out that Sarah has art classes in her home studio, and have since enjoyed lots of great and inspiring time doing something I practically forgot I loved so much!

Fulfilling old promises

It also turned out that the mom of the owner of the gaming store was a favorite customer from the drugstore, and I knew her from seeing her on a regular basis. After she passed away, I had promised to do a drawing or painting for her sister, but never got further than some sketches. Meeting, and eventually recognising, her son gave me the push I needed to finally get to work on her portrait, and I was finally able to present him with something I felt good about. It wasn't great as a piece of art, but it felt good to do, and captured some of her joyful essence.

Just a catch up 'mini rant' on what happened; for closure.

So I did work for a couple of weeks as an 'office assistant' for the woman with the art school in the strip mall. It didn't work out; for either of us. She wanted me to use her Mac email system, which was all kinds of disorganised, and write in her voice to various friends, people who might participate in fundraising, and to clients who had past due fees. She had me write in first person as her accountant once, seeking some overdue payment for some instruction and materials. That was disturbing, but I did it anyway. I would not do it again. It was too weird. The whole thing was weird, actually. She used to work at a private school as a volunteer, then started teaching, then opened her own school. She's a well respected community person, drives a Mercedes, dresses in beautifully tailored designer clothes, and seemed like an amazing children's teacher. But the whole place is a non profit, and it seems like the kids are all from pretty wealthy families (the fees were really steep, and the kids I saw were dropped off and picked up by an Au Pair). There was talk of providing scholarships for art classes for free to kids in need, but I didn't see that in my short time there. She got regular donations from Blick, but still charged for the materials. Mostly, I had to send e-cards to her friends and acquaintances, based on hurried and vague dictation. I don't pretend to understand all the workings of a not-for-profit business, but it didn't seem to be run very straightforward. In the end I just realized that I wasn't going to be happy as an office assistant, when I really feel more at home teaching and creating myself. And she realized (based on her micromanaging and frequent criticism) that she needed someone to boss around, rather than a colleague. Basically she just wanted a clone of herself, but professionally astute in her favorite email program. I'm going to do a whole post on the subject of 'Bosses' one day, but for now I will just say it's both frustrating and annoying when someone tells you to do something and says just do your best, and then tells you how wrong you did everything! Phew!

Updates and a new (temp) job!

After I discovered that the reason I wasn't receiving substitute alerts was because I needed to update my online testing for the school district, I remedied that, and began a (still ongoing) stint as a fill-in kitchen helper at an elementary cafeteria. There was also a notice that I could qualify as a licensed substitute, meaning more pay and more classroom job opportunities, if I could pass some tests and do some paperwork. I am very interested in this, but I don't yet understand the details of the program. So, I am actually working now, which is very cool, although it is only for three hours a day. I do hope it helps with the new food stamp regulations which say one must be working, or in a work seeking program in order to continue receiving assistance. Because of food stamps, and also health care, I finally feel more like a real human being, and more hopeful for a positive future!

I hope everyone had some time off over the holidays, and is working to do the work they love and feel some success for a productive New Year. Cheers! Peace out.

I Started Doing the Weirdest Thing! (Thanks Obama)

 Thanks, Obama!

When we were in Sisters, at a Bi Mart (not gay, not straight), the cashier asked if my sweatshirt slogan was being ironic or if I was genuinely thanking Obama. I said both; and gave too long of an explanation that included describing this video.

 

Now, uh, this was something I thought of as a title whilst still composing the last tediously time consuming and long time coming post, and so I scribbled a note so I would not forget. But I lost the note and have completely forgotten. OH YEAH See, THIS is why free writing is so great. I jogged my reluctantly reticent memory glands by simply, well you know. Writing. Or typing rather. Same thing. Same diff.

ANYway, what I was going to say was that The weird thing I started doing was,

 [some indeterminate number of days later]
OKAY. I am unofficially interrupting this blogcast to discontinue that train of thought and get back to basics. How do I get a job that I actually enjoy, keeps me fed, and maybe even housed, and is in a field that works in my favor of moving toward my interest in creative arts? I am not going to answer that right now. It's still the big question, but for me at least, the answer is a slow, sometimes malodorous, procrastinatory, meandering process.

SO. What I want to talk about is the latest probationary, initially unpaid, part-time position I recently accepted. You know how people talk about focusing your intention on your goals, letting go and allowing 'the Universe' to guide you? Bullshit you say? Well, there's a saying that hard work and determination bring about 'good luck'; I guess it's all related. But if you want something and you do everything in your power to get it, or accomplish it, and you don't succeed, it is more of a let down than if you didn't really try. That's why a lot of professional procrastinators are also perfectionists. If they don't do something at all then they can't fail at it. Anyway, I'm just slow. I believe I became very dysfunctional and emotionally disabled after my father died, and I am about ten years behind in life.

When I was originally attending art college (at age 21 a freshman), I remember envying the young woman who worked in the school office. I thought how great it would be to be in that educational environment without the responsibilities of grades and assignments and deadlines for projects; just showing up everyday to help the students and keep things running smoothly. So when I saw an ad for an office assistant at a kids' art school I was like, oh boy oh boy, I gotta try and do that! So I tried. I responded with a short response e-mail, then to be more personal and stand out a little more I found out where the school was and walked over there (my bike was in the shop and it was about an hour walk each way, so I got to exercise too!) and left a resume (freshly typed and printed) on the door, as no one was there. Then we went out of town for a Weird Al Yankovic concert, and I totally forgot I had even applied. That's hard core letting go. Just kidding. But I did really totally forget about it.

So when I got an email saying "I tried calling you to come in and meet, can you call me?" I was like, who? What? Wait a minute ... where was my phone anyway? ... and I emailed back and we set a time and she asked me to bring a cover letter with me, which I thought was strange because it's usually something you send when you are first introducing yourself, and I felt like I had already done that in my original response email, but I said what the heck, I can whip up a cover letter. No big deal. And it turned out she really was more interested in having a writing sample than in my extended credentials, because one of the tasks will be to craft letters based on general information and compose something coherent from a synopsis. As in, write a response to so and so and say this and that, but do it with proper grammar while competently communicating all the facts with a friendly flair. I am fairly confident in my writing skills, although I know I do tend to go on much longer than necessary. Which is why utilising Twitter is really good practice for brevity and creating succinct, concise thoughts in written form. That, as well as doing some online typing tutorials, will be some of my self assigned homework preparation.

Now comes the kicker. I decided that I really wanted this job. I wanted it so much that I said I would work for free for a month to see if she liked my work, and if I really liked the job (and was even any good at it). She was impressed my this, which wasn't my intention, but cool, and agreed to these terms. Now let's say I show up and work and despite being good at the job, either something doesn't click, and we don't get along as well as it seemed we do, or else someone way better in every way pops up and they take over. Even in that case, I will have another notch of  experience on my proverbial belt, and a lot of exercise from bike commuting a few times a week. So! We shall see!

On a related note, although I did really love parts of teaching Y.R., I was very grateful when I saw on the calendar that the training/teacher's meeting had come and gone and I didn't have to go to it. I was a little surprised that I heard nothing from them after politely declining to continue, but when I think about it, if I had such a big problem with their office coordinator's attitude towards me, then she probably felt the same way, and was only inviting me to continue because they were desperate for bodies. It was most likely a more mutual separation than I imagined. Not everyone gets along well.

To finish up, I'll go back to the beginning and say that a few weeks ago I started doing the weirdest thing. I guess all of the stand up comedy and the podcast interviews with great comedians I have been immersing myself in for entertainment has been slowly absorbing and sinking into my skin because I got inspired to start writing semi-autobiographical jokes (but not jokes ... because I don't know how to write jokes). And it's turned into a good portion of a notebook filled with semi tragic stories from my childhood and how they affected me. But the weird thing is that memories that used to bum me out are now starting to appear humourus. And that's a really weird, and very good, thing.

P.S. To anyone besides myself reading this someday, you may notice I lean towards British spellings. This may annoy you. It's not so much intentional as habitual. I prefer not to change for whatever audience might arrive. It's not like my composition or spelling or grammar is always perfect in every other way, so I'll just be myself, which is weird ...  and slightly Anglophiliac.

All the Disturbing Details

 All the Disturbing Details

The silly, frustrating and emotionally draining parts of the great in-between.

This was the supplemental application page on an employment application for Ludeman's Fireplace and Patio as a farm store customer service associate. Number seven is about the strangest question I have ever encountered on a job form.

It asks: "What makes you angry?" I honestly wanted to write something jokey, or else say 'employers who want your social security number before you are even interviewed or hired!' as they did on page one. But I just thought about some things that create emotional ire and wrote that down. This place upset me because after filling out their very personal and detailed form, I didn't hear any response from them. It's a smaller, family owned business and I guess I expected a less corporate style when it came to applicant etiquette. I finally went back in and said I had guessed I wasn't hired, but as there was so much personal information on my application, could they please either assure me that it had been shredded, or else return it to me? They looked for it but couldn't even find it (there wasn't a file somewhere for applications pending or rejected? Seriously disorganized. Amirite?) so I left a note for the person to whom I had originally turned it in asking she call or email. I didn't hear anything, but later received a photocopy of my application in the mail. I am sure they thought I was barmy for caring, or wanting it back, but not even granting me an interview after all that rigmarole was off too.

That whole incident happened while I was working at Walmart Neighborhood Market. I was weary of the monotony of cashiering as well as the teenage supervisors' commonality of condescension. I don't even think they knew they were doing it; it was more like an ingrained superiority in their generation and worldly ignorance, as well as being in minor positions of power at such young ages. Before I was hired there, I had interviews for Fred Meyer store, an independent company's house cleaning business, a Winco store deli worker and a party organizer company's face painter. Toward the end of my brief Spring/Summer tenure there I interviewed for a local cafe and the U.S. post office. Not too much later I got the email about EMS subdesk which didn't involve an interview, but did require fingerprinting and background checks, as well as one lengthy training session. I also had to acquire a new SS card, as I couldn't locate mine, but it was free, so that was not a big problem. I needed to get my fingerprints re-done because the first set were not clear enough because of the photo chemicals at Rite Aid causing skin deterioration. The sheriff's fingerprint tech said this was not unusual as there were many different reasons and professions that caused prints to be unclear. It was a pretty cool experience actually, as I was there by willing participation and not by force or lack of choice.

I have had job prospects that required three interviews, jobs that had cursory meetings and then right to signing the paperwork, and ones that involved nothing more than showing up with an i.d. Hiring practices are all so different and almost impossible to predict in advance. Sometimes being overly prepared pays off, and sometimes you would do better to go in with a 'I just don't give a fuq' attitude.

Technically I am now employed, I think (because I only worked a dozen or so shifts through them), by the EMS subdesk, BUT—after biking an hour each way to Walmart, it was very difficult to transition to driving long ways, and their system of picking up shifts depended on checking their website daily, which I was not very consistent about. I thought somehow it might lead to actual assistant teaching, or substitute teaching, but that requires a state certificate which, despite online research, still befuddles me concerning its mysterious acquisition. If only I had done that my second time through college ... but I didn't know what I know now. So I worked in a few different school cafeteria kitchens, on some playgrounds, in a couple of elementary classrooms, and one high school special needs class where I witnessed another sub be an asshole and criticize the way a kid was eating his pizza. I desperately wanted to say something and found myself so dumbfounded I was totally tongue-tied. I can still relive the moments like an out of body experience, and I wish I had a do-over.
Still, it was very cool how they asked me to work for them instead of the other way around, and if I can still get some gigs through their online network, it would be great. I will investigate that soon!

The housecleaning job had promise, but it did require auto insurance and driving. I would have had to buy a light weight vacuum with attachments. I was so intent on actually accepting the position were it offered, that I went directly to Goodwill after the interview to peruse used vacuum machines. The business owner was a great person, but one of the reasons she needed help, besides trying to expand her business, was a debilitating back injury. I had future flashes (or is it flash backs) of starting the job, which is basically pretty vigorous physical labour, and sustaining a similar injury. So when soon offered the Walmart job, I chose that, despite it paying less per hour. I also had some poor memories of a short stint as a house cleaner with Merry Maids in California when I was eighteen. It was rather depressing going into homes of very privileged wealthy families and cleaning toilets. In all the bathrooms. Why do people need more than one bathroom? I know, it's not need, but luxury, but still.

Walmart was, overall, much better than I had expected. I actually gave notice and an explanation, and left on good terms, which has not been my M.O. for most of my life. There was also an odd coincidence of the subdesk main office being a mere two minute bike ride from the Walmart store. And my former boss Danny from Tuesday Morning store in the Rite Aid basement is all of a sudden the store manager at the Tuesday Morning location nearby to that. Just coincidence, but interesting.

So I had re-applied online for the post office (the year before I had applied and tested for it, but missed the interview because of missed-call-phone-tag-negligence) and I actually took a day off work to attend the mass effect group combo interview and information session downtown. Well, I was super excited when I found out about the job at the local post office because it is within walking distance, but this time around it was for far off hand delivery carriers. Still, I wanted to try. Ever since I was a tot and preferred the mail delivery truck to the other 'Little People' toys to when I was a bit older and discovered the joys of sending and receiving mail, I have been a big fan of the post office. When I was a disturbed teenager the post office was about the only place an underage person could go to hang out without spending any money. It sounds weird now, but at the time it was comforting. Maybe if churches didn't lock their doors at night I would have found solace sitting and reading in a pew instead of on the counter in the local postal. I was confused about the signing in process, and even though I was quite early I ended up near the bottom of the list, which they ended up using for calling people out of one room into another, set up with lots of chairs and about fifteen interviewers. I did not do that great, but I am happy I gave it some effort. I no longer feel that the postal service would be a good place for me. It had the strong allure of very decent paychecks, but I will stick to my letter writing and stamp collecting. I could see myself doing it as a temporary experience, but in the long run I could not be confident that I would do a consistently perfect job, which is obviously very important. Lost or missing mail is no laughing matter, eh?

So later, I had this interview for a cafe job. Like I do with almost every job I apply for, I envision myself working there and what it would be like, and how I would do well and move up in the company and learn a lot. Concerning the cafe, I thought it might give me the intel to someday have my own cafe. This is just a mix of daydream fantasy and convincing myself it's not only okay, but important to settle for what you don't really want and treat it as an opportunity to become someone different. By the time I got to the location, it turned out I was early still, but as time went on, the owner was becoming later and later and I got the very strong feeling that I should run and not look back. Sometimes if you really want to walk away it's just nerves, and sometimes it's exactly what you should do; but you have to be okay with the results. For some reason there were two people interviewing me, one very young girl and one older woman. They older woman called me old and said it would be a change from the young students they normally hire. Well, fuck you very much. I smiled and said something about experience, but really I felt like shit. I didn't have a working phone so was relying on Steve for messages at the time, and when they called I assumed it was a job offer, not even bothering to call back I used that as my given reason for quitting Walmart. I did later call back and left a message but never found out "Wha Hoppen"? I probably would not have loved it.

Face painting job. Embarrassed much? Yes. Yes I am, thank you. The irony is that later I ended up face painting as a volunteer at a school festival and loved it as much as I had thought I would. I only wished I had more experience so I could have been better and faster.
Chronologically, I don't even remember exactly where this one fit in, except that it was definitely before Walmart. It was bad before it even began. I didn't think I should even have to interview, but just hired on trial or something and see how it worked out on both sides. The whole concept of interviewing causes me high anxiety. I think they should just call it 'having a meeting'. I was just on time and they make me fill out an application. This bothers me because the preliminaries were done by email, and they easily could have had me do this in advance. So I am feeling terribly awkward and annoyed since I felt thoughtless lack of planning on their part, as well as frustration that I didn't have all the numbers and references the form asked for with me. Then I had to wait for what seemed like a long time before a young and overly pretty hiring manager invited me up a narrow staircase to talk.
I'm afraid I was so irritated by this time that I insulted her by implying that she was obtuse for asking me a question I had already answered on the paper she was staring at. I thought I was a washout by the end, but for ... reasons (?) she sent me directly from there for a pre-employment drug test. Due to a broken toilet paper dispenser I thought was a reasonable shelf space, I spilled the pee cup; on myself. I screamed and explained to (the male) tester what happened and why I flushed the toilet when I wasn't supposed to. I got no sympathy and felt depressed. They didn't have me redo the test. Yes Virginia, Karma IS a bitch.

I applied for an assistant school librarian job, which I really, really wanted; they sent an email saying the position had been filled, but thank you for your interest!
 I applied online at New Seasons grocery store (I have heard that they pay exceptionally well compared with similar positions elsewhere, and also let their employees take home lots of free food rather than throw it away.). They left a message inviting me for an interview, but it was so much later after my Walmart experience I didn't think I wanted to be in the grocery business anymore, despite the many positives.

 When I started being a SMART volunteer in the Fall I was nervous about whether I would be very good at reading with kids, but I really wanted to try it, and I am happy to say I will be returning this year to continue. No pay, obviously, but still must be counted as a Success!

Although I had told Young Rembrandts I would be returning this year, after a couple emails from the office manager I was reminded of all the negatives about the situation, and after some inner battles back and forth I chose to apologise and decline to continue with them. More sordid details later. In the meantime, I have an interview a meeting tomorrow with an independent art school office!

Procrastination Subordination

                                     El Es Es/Te El;De Ar

LSS =Long Story Short. (But it never is. Like in this South Park clip)

TL;DR=Too Long;Didn't Read. (Because I am aware I over explain. )

If I needed further proof of my nearly professional level of procrastination, it's clearly demonstrated here, since my continual promises (to myself) to post on even a semi regular basis have gone totally unheeded. The biggest problem with being a serial procrastinator, besides being late a lot (+missing deadlines and opportunities altogether), is (unintentionally) frequently lying to people you care about.

 I have read that professional writers go to retreats and essentially lock themselves away somewhere free from distractions. That makes a lot of sense if the pros share any of the procrastinatory tendencies that I, a total amateur, possess. If there's nothing around but your project, then that's what you work on. But if there's a messy apartment, and chores to do, and internet ... well, then.

Often it is incomprehensible to me how I can show such determination and be so stubborn about some things, and yet exhibit classic delaying tactics for tasks I claim to enjoy and want to pursue. Because of course there have been times I have accomplished things and challenged myself when I was really motivated and psychologically ready. This dichotomy is very frustrating and personally, quite depressing. 

It has been said that things are not nearly as scary or intimidating as you imagine them to be, but we all build up these mental walls around certain things and challenge ourselves to climb them, when it wasn't ever really necessary. People also quip: You get out of it what you are willing to put into it. So the rewards are commensurate with the work and effort. Despite knowing this, I just can't get a  good grasp on what it is exactly that I am supposed to be accomplishing, or where to focus my energy. The irony is that when I was completely unemployed, without immediate prospects, I said, 'Well, now at least I have time to write and make art! No excuses besides looking for meaningful work!' And didn't do much at all.

However, here I am again; I haven't totally quit or given up, so judgment aside, I will continue my saga. Since I last wrote, I have had lots of positive experiences, so I will work backwards in a way, starting with those, and then describe some of the earlier, more sordid details and failures next time. 

I had so much fun doing kid's face painting as a volunteer at a school field day that I started daydreaming about doing it as a job. I finally put in the effort and completed a portrait of my friend's mom who had passed away almost three years ago, and presented it to him. I finished the year out as a S.M.A.R.T. http://www.getsmartoregon.org/ volunteer, even taking on an extra day when someone dropped out. This was a fairly big deal for me since I often quit or flake on responsibilities. I even added a volunteer day in their book room (I think I have mentioned I used to want to work in a library/school environment, and this came pretty close to perfection, even though it was unpaid). I did my requisite forms and minimum ten shifts (to qualify to continue the next year) as an unlicensed substitute with an organization that provides subs for the public school district. And, finally, I applied and interviewed to teach pre-fabricated art classes to kids and did that for three days a week.

Despite being so busy all Spring, I ended up gaining a lot of weight, mostly due to needing to drive to the teaching and subbing locations, rather than my usual bicycle mode of transportation. So I essentially gained back all I had lost last Summer when I was biking an hour each way to Walmart. So now I am watching a lot of Extreme Weight Loss reality TV and Body Positive Yoga. https://www.youtube.com/user/bodypositiveyoga

I feel that if I watch enough shows like this, eventually I am bound to get motivated to move. 

Alrighty then chaps, that's it for now. Cheers.

 

Your Karma Ran Over My Dogma

Since my last visit here,  I have had six interviews, three pre-employment drug tests, three and a half job offers, and completed numerous online and hard copy applications. I also had my fingerprints done at the local Sheriff's office, and got a replacement for my lost social security card. My passport however, is still MIA since we last moved. I would really like to know where it's hiding. And why.


I also had a ton of amazing experiences I would not have had without Harley, the adorable pit mix we were taking care of as a good deed for a young woman on Craig's List who needed a temporary home while in the process of moving.

Because he got me out of the apartment, by necessity, and inspired me to go to local, yet unexplored places 'for his sake', I found out that there are things you can do as long as a dog is with you, that are socially acceptable, that you couldn't do otherwise without appearing terribly awkward. Very much like having a human child with you automatically allows comfortable access to many places it just seems weird to be without one. I think this sucks, but it's the social normality system in place right now and one cannot really avoid it.

So I could talk out loud (to him) and randomly stop and stare off into the distant sky (because dogs) or walk off a trail onto a less beaten path and cut through an area I wouldn't have felt very safe in if I was alone.

This dog was so damn cute that every time I went outside with him, even just around the block, I (he) got so many compliments that I soon expected to have an ego boost everyday. I should only be so lucky as to get as much adoration and attention as that guy got from strangers all the time, but I felt the glow just being associated with him.

He was like a minor celebrity or a rock star at our apartment building. We talked more to our neighbors when he was around than we ever had before. The grownups wanted to feed and pet him and the kids wanted to play with him. He was great and made a positive impact on my life, and I bet he would have inspired me to finally try camping, but as much as I thought I needed him (I only go on walks or bike rides now if I have to go somewhere, not for fun or exercise), I know his owner mom needed him more, so I had to let him go. But I cried when he was gone. I'm now trying to convince Steve that a teacup pig is a fantastic idea ...

Good Job Hunting

      I just realized that in a couple of weeks I will have been unemployed for one year. This awareness brings many connotations and questions along with it; such as: am I employable? Am I doing something very wrong on my applications? Am I trying hard enough? Do I even care? These are ideas I think I should spend some serious time contemplating instead of treating them as passing thoughts with no significant relevance. Oftentimes you need to be your own therapist and ask the tough questions in order to get to the root of your debilitating mental blocks that may be stopping you from accomplishing your goals in life. The hardest part may be figuring out what the right questions are ... and being willing to be self critical enough to take responsibility for the choices you have made that led you to where you are today. Here's a scene from the film Good Will Hunting where the main character played by Matt Damon is asked by his court appointed therapist played by Robin Williams: "What do you want?"

      I haven't checked my e-mail for several days, and there may be something relevant waiting for me there, but I did receive a voice mail (several days after it was sent–reminding me of my miss/fail with the post office interview) from a temp/seasonal position I applied for a week or two ago with the City. I don't even know what job it was; I should really write these things down; I just know I had a flurry of motivation and determination one day and went on an online application spree, and applied to at least six jobs, one or two of which were for the City. I called the person back and left a message apologizing for missing their call and asked that they please call me back (on Steve's phone this time) if the position was still available. Meanwhile, I have a car that needs fixing, an apartment that needs cleaning, and e-mail that needs checking. And ... questions that need formulating; and answering.

Still Sweating but with Mom's Blessing

Before I begin, I should update briefly. I had an interview about a month ago for a special education teaching assistant position. It was a great interview, and the Human Resources person was a very cool lady who treated me with respect and a sort of gentility that I found calming, however I was still nervous and not very confident and am not surprised I did not hear back from them. Several months before that I had gone through the rather rigorous application and testing process required to work at the local post office. It offered very good pay and a location I could easily walk or bike to, but after not hearing anything for a couple of weeks I sort of gave up/forgot about it, and thus missed/ignored the call which was a message asking me in for an interview... the previous day. I screwed up.  I felt depressed. I wasn't sure what my problem was. I decided to try and rethink what kind of job I could see myself really doing, and how, if at all, my artist self and past education and experience fit into that picture. That's still happening... I am surviving on food stamps and the generosity of others, mainly Steven, who pays rent and utilities with his unemployment insurance. Finally my frustration started to evolve into determination and I got to work trying to get to work.

 I was on fire yesterday. I perused the internet for several hours and found jobs for myself, Steven, and our friend Adrienne. I applied to three or four online immediately including a library assistant position. I felt like I had accomplished something! I had mixed feelings when I decided to apply for a job at McDonald's, because while I was growing up it was an ongoing insult/joke purported by teachers, comedians and parents alike that if you weren't that smart, or didn't do well in school, you would "end up flipping burgers" or taking people's drive-thru orders. Of course that is complete bullshit; but the stigma persists.

There are hundreds of skilled labor jobs for which you aren't required to have any specific higher education credentials for, just training and certification, and those are also looked down upon by some of the intellectual leaning, four to eight years of college obsessed folks, even though the pipe fitters and general contractors and electricians of the world are often extremely intelligent and doing quite well financially, thank you very much. But the service industry, especially fast food (unlike fine dining of the upper echelon), has always been known for their unreasonably low pay scale; which is something I hope is slowly changing; creating a sort of general disregard and disrespect for what is arguably a very physically and mentally demanding profession,

 I exclaimed aloud while completing the (easiest) application ever, (except that they expected an hourly to annual salary wage conversion, which I had to look up) : 'what would my mom think? She would be so disappointed.' But I just thought of it as a lark instead of an actual effort to become employed there, and carried on despite my misgivings. That night I woke up from a dream actually crying because I had met my mom again and we hugged for a very long time, and I knew that she was proud of me whatever I did, as long as I was doing my best. I knew she was saying: You can work at McDonald's, it's okay honey, everybody has to eat, and every artist needs a day job, and I won't think any less of you. It was an amazing feeling. I believed in a way it was my own psyche imagining what I wanted to hear, and at the same time that she is an angel who wanted to ease my pain and remind me how much she loves me.

To be honest? I think it would be fun. I've worked a ton of fast paced food service jobs including Subway Restaurant, just not 'fast food' in the sense that is Micky D's. I have heard that they are paying people a more liveable wage than they used to because of so much backlash and protests that even full time employees aren't getting by and need food stamps. We will have to see about that. The aspect I had some qualms about was the part of the application that disguised itself as a multiple choice questionnaire but was really a psychological examination. It consisted of more than eighty click and choose options consisting of different versions of the same questions. It was also timed, and you were advised 'not to think too much, but go with the answer you feel more strongly agrees with your personality'. I only had the insight to grab a screen shot on the last page of questions before it timed out:

From my limited knowledge of psychological testing and other reading I have done, it seemed as if they were attempting to screen for types of autistic traits, along with possible management potential. There were sets like: I am very messy, but I know where to find things when I need them, versus: I sometimes find myself not really caring about what others are feeling. And: People come to me when they need advice, versus: I like working with a team, but also do well on my own. Because of the pairs they offered for comparison, it was very difficult to discern if a particular answer was what they wanted to hear, so you had to just make a (sometimes arbitrary) decision and move on.

Anyway, I wish continued good fortune (hard work brings good luck, they say) to all the job seekers out there, and a Happy Easter and Happy 420 to everyone on this special day. On an extra special note, I decided to start a volunteer term at Free Geek, which starts next week, in hopes of gaining some valuable experience and making myself useful to the community for awhile. I should also mention that I have not been completely lethargic. Although not fulfilling my self proclaimed blog promise on a regular basis, I have been taking some free online classes through Canvas education, including a Walking Dead sociology course, a Google Ninja computer class and a Creative Journal writing class. So. There's that. That's a good thing.