Queer Eye, Weight Loss, and Pomodoro

 Those are just things on my mind because I am playing a Queer Eye episode (the one with the family who live on their boat), have been thinking about weight loss a lot lately, and researching the Pomodoro method. I didn't feel like writing today, even though every time I write and post, no matter if I felt like it or not, I always feel a little better afterwards. It's like I accomplished something that no one told me I have to do, and I am glad I did it. It's not a big deal, but I have learned over the years of being in and out of depression and alcoholism and codependent abusive relationships, that it really is the "baby steps" that keep me going. It's also true that once I start writing I think of more things I want to say.

I thought of another couple of odd jobs from the past I think go with ones I have already mentioned (because of their lack of longevity, getting fired or quitting, or the minimum wage nature of them).

I don't remember how I got the job of applying labels by hand to tubes of oil paint at the Gamblin warehouse factory in Portland, but I can picture myself sitting at the table where I worked in the space, peeling labels off the roll, and smoothing them onto the paint tubes. I remember I was excited because I liked the company, but unhappy because of the boring, monotonous, repetitive task I was assigned. I remember feeling like the boss didn't like me and the serious look on her face when she was talking to me about needing to work faster. I only vaguely remember why I was let go from the job. I was probably late to work (because that was common for me at that age (20's)) but I also brought a friend from art school to see the space, because I thought a paint factory was so cool that I wanted to show it off; and I recall being lectured about how that was not okay.

I was probably supposed to get permission first, or (more likely) not do it at all ... it makes sense now of course, but at the time I was very unaware of what boundaries were—in practically every situation). I was able to buy some paints at a discount, before I got my #exit instructions, which was the highlight. I categorize this as a mostly shitty job, that I was not suited for and didn't like, despite the art connection, because I didn't learn anything. I might have worked there a few days, or a month, I can't even remember, but it was extremely short-lived. Some people fuck up and get fired from jobs, and I think that was the case with that one. I did it to myself, but it was based on ignorance and not thinking about it (or knowing any better), rather than any type of malice or intentional self-sabotage.

I have definitely worked jobs that I self-fired myself from by self-sabotage. That is harder to write about because it puts me in a memory of the years when I was not making good choices at all, and was definitely not being kind to myself. I don't know how I got the job to go into the office building where the fancy downtown hair salon was, and start their coffee and clean up early in the morning before they opened, but I didn't do it for very long before I stopped going. Nothing bad happened, I didn't lose the keys, or cause any damage, but I just couldn't keep up the consistent early AM while drinking too much the nights before. 

I think I could do a whole section on jobs I lost, never started, or messed up because of alcohol abuse. I once got a job at a cool little deli/cafe across from the public library, and I made some bad excuse to not show up the first day, because I was too hungover, and when I went in next to check the schedule, of course I had already been "unhired." Before I stopped drinking altogether, I remember doing a moral history/inventory of all the jobs, relationships, and classes that I messed up at because of alcohol affecting my physical and mental well-being ... and I was shocked that most of the things I regretted or wished I could go back and change, were bad memories because of alcohol being involved. That's messed up. I think people focus more on the bad things that happen when people get drunk, but not as much on how bad it is to try and function with a perpetual hangover. The two worst parts being sleep deprivation and dehydration, which are serious deficits to efficient brain activity and behavior even when alcohol wasn't the main cause.

It also affected things I will never know about exactly, where it wasn't a direct cause and effect, but a general influence on my character, mental state, and self-confidence. Such as my energy levels, and the way I presented myself, and conveyed my self-worth to others, and the way it stunted my growth because I didn't make time to learn "adulting" things like time management, financial responsibility,  and professional respect and organization. Peace & Love, and here's to learning to love yourself first, and the rest will follow. 💜

Argh, Wordpress is Driving Me Crazy

 I know I will eventually figure all of the settings and editing tools out, if I continue to post regularly, but it is extremely frustrating at the moment. Every time I try to work on a WordPress post, I end up feeling frustrated and confused. I am looking forward to the time (someday) when I know what I am doing. I know this is part of learning something new, so I have to be patient and keep moving forward. ANYWAY. This is Blogger, and Blogger is pretty awesome. I can't remember why I chose WordPress for my art blog, but I think it had something to do with wanting to learn more about creating a website for my art, and using that site for the blog that is image-focused seemed to be a good start.

A long, long, time ago, in this galaxy, my sister made me a super basic html/css site for my artwork, and I didn't know how to take over admin for it, and she never added any images after the first set, so it just dissolved after a time. If I could go back and do that differently, I would learn enough coding to do it myself. But, it was super nice of her, and was cool to have while it was there. It's rough when you have a vision for something, and a lot of ideas, but don't know how to put them together to actually bring your plan to life. Going from the drawing board to realization is probably the hardest thing I can imagine. A lot of my "dreams" have disintegrated because I got stuck with the planning or logistics (or, oftentimes, financial concerns) involved in moving forward.

[my old phone that I dropped in the lake two years ago could take much better pics than this one, but the moon is always a nice sight to see for me, even if it isn't clear. It makes me feel calm & centered]

I'm taking a break from describing old jobs I've done, because it feels tiresome to think about and rehash, even though sometimes it is a very good thing to deep-dive into your own history and figure out your reasoning or motivation for your actions and choices, to increase your own awareness and make peace with anything you wish you could change (which you cannot, but understanding itself is a good salve when you lack time travel). I know (mostly, not totally) what I would like to have done differently in a lot of the past circumstances and experiences I had with jobs over the years, to either avoid them completely, or to make a much more successful decision in what I ended up doing. Regardless of all that (pointless, but not totally unhelpful) deliberation, I have accomplished a lot more than I realize, and need to give myself credit for that, instead of beating myself up for not doing *better* (i.e., sticking with something long-term, or making smarter choices a long time ago).

I know many people can find the drive and determination to motivate themselves on their own, but it is much more helpful to have the right kind of guidance and education from a very young age. Some of it is luck, some is money, but a lot of it is having the understanding of what constitutes the best choice at each stage of your decision-making process, for each idea or opportunity that you either receive or make for yourself.

So I am trying to work on my decluttering goal. Everything I have read about decluttering, from Feng Shui books to self-help books (including the topics of substance dependency, manifesting your dream visions, and cultivating positive habits) discusses at some point, the relation between having a clear physical space and a clear mind space. I decided to jump-start my journey by signing up for a workshop with the Woman Unleashed group. It is an art and spirituality based organization (collective? company?) that is pretty awesome. The trouble (for me) comes with the 'self-guided' nature of it—there are pre-recorded video sessions, and a workbook guide for the process that I printed out—but I'm on my own for the motivation to actually put in the effort and do the work.

Jobs you like and jobs you hate

 It's so sad to feel like you actually, truly, madly, deeply *hate* your job. I have only been in that position a few times, and fortunately it wasn't a regular, all-day feeling, but more hating aspects of it, like the behavior of certain people, the restrictions on movement (like how far you could go from one spot, or having to stand when you could sit, or walk when you could run), clothing, or even whether you were allowed to have a water bottle or phone with you. The biggest one of course, is feeling disappointment, frustration, and even resentment that you are working so hard and doing a great job, but are still being paid as little as they can possibly get away with.

 I think everyone should experience having to support themselves on minimum wage (no tips), but I also wouldn't wish it on anyone for a lifetime. I think that the best-paying job I did before teaching and working in schools, was the unionized job in a hospital cafeteria. And the next best paying would have been as a groundskeeper/landscaper, after I completed the women in trades pre-apprenticeship program (when I wanted to learn plumbing, but actually should have gone into electrician program...#hindsight), but was unable to pass a physical (because of a heart murmur).

I'm grateful that I have had several jobs that I would gladly do as unpaid, volunteer work if money were no object. Those include the flower shop, being a reading tutor, a music and art teaching assistant, and (maybe this, but less so) a cook in a brew pub. If the work is so fulfilling, fun, or enjoyable, like an excellent learning experience, or something where you feel you are contributing to others' happiness as well as your own, then it's a very good thing. I have also done actual volunteer jobs that I wish I could have continued, but "real" jobs took priority, because money. It is good to be responsible enough and reliable enough to be a volunteer, and an employee; but as a volunteer, while you are still required to be responsible, you don't "owe" an employer the same things that a paid employee would. I guess I feel based on past experiences, that many companies don't have enough respect for their employees.

Most of the jobs I *hated* (not every moment, but the overall work, hours, pay, and everything that contributed to that) were primarily because I felt I a) wasn't using my mind or learning anything, and b) I wasn't helping anyone except for being "in service" to them temporarily (like the jobs at Subway or Domino's I did out of necessity). I also remember the feeling of being judged in different positions, like sensing that some people held the belief of: "Since you are working here, it must mean you aren't capable of doing anything better ..." So, remember that you don't know what someone did before, or is capable of, and instead of judging that person silently, show appreciation for them in the moment. 

Cheers to working toward doing work you also enjoy, and helping others. Be Kind, to yourself and others, and show Grace to yourself and others whenever possible. Peace and Love.

Wait, what Year is It?

 There's no reason to fear, the new year is here! I have been listening to more spiritually peaceful, meditation-style music lately. Mostly instrumental, like acoustic guitar or pan flute. Stuff you might hear in a massage studio to help you feel relaxed. And it IS relaxing, and good to work or do chores, or read to.

I might return later and put in some links from YouTube, because I use that often, but I also just instruct Echo (Alexa) to play something in that genre ("Echo, play chakra meditation" or "play calming instrumental music.").

It is officially winter here, as in, it now actually *feels* like winter. It was unusually warm (ish) for the longest time, and now it is appropriately frigid for the region. There was one recent snowstorm that melted within a week, but the ice blocks from the frozen kiddie pool are still ice blocks outside. 

Because of the weather, I have started getting into my "I think I feel like baking" and "Stew sounds good" mode, so I made different veggie stews and types of muffins over the past week. I am at the point in my cooking experience that I still like to check out recipes, but I don't *have* to, because I have the basic ingredients in my head and the approximate measurements for things the same way. It feels good to just "know" how much to use and what goes well with what.

I made different variations of blueberry-matcha muffins, which both turned out nicely. Then I had an interesting conversation with an AI model about clouds, and I asked it for a muffin recipe inspired by that. It gave me a great suggestion that I have seen on cooking shows before but forgot about, where you infuse milk with earl gray tea as one of the ingredients in lemon flavor batter. I haven't done it yet, but I will! It also had a lavender and lemon idea that sounded familiar, but that I've never tried before.

It's almost Steven's birthday and I'm going to make a lasagna I saw on America's Test Kitchen (and already made once and it is really good). That's when I definitely need a recipe, when I specifically want to make something that someone else created. I could wing it, but the flavors were perfect, so I want to do it right.

I have to go get some work done, I just wanted to create a post so I don't fall too far behind. I'll try to return to this with the lasagna recipe if possible, and some links for super calming, chill music I like. Peace and Love to All.

 what's the deal with stonehenge??

That was just the first thing that popped into my mind when I thought of how to finish the phrase: "What's the deal with ...," so into the blog title space it went! That is actually a hilarious song (by Josh Grobin I think?) opa, now I have to check how to spell "Groban" correctly. One second, hold on. okay, it's definitely G R O B A N. But, I got the wrong memory. Apparently it's by Ylvis (who did the "What does the fox say" song I believe. Stonehenge song

This is something I discovered when I was looking for the other, and it's too funny not to share: Josh Groban Improv

I found myself unexpectedly tearing up this morning when I was writing back to my friend Pam in reply to her long and detailed holiday letter about her family and their adventures over the past year. I was feeling maudlin and melancholy because of my lack of close family ties, as well as the realization that my mom died this month, almost twenty years ago. I would like to do something special to commemorate her life. I have had ideas such as publishing some of her poetry or sketches, but I haven't done anything like that. 

I am finally starting to look at some of the many journals and diaries I have of hers (she was a prolific writer and memoirist), which is a big deal because I have been putting that off for so long, feeling like I had to read them all at once, or was obligated to put them in order first, or some other excuse. And I opened a box that was labeled letters from her, but is also letters to her from me, as well as ones from my sister. I haven't read through them yet because looking at them began to feel overwhelming, but I noticed this envelope with a cool line drawing I made and thought I would add it here.

Peace and love for the chronological new year, and looking forward to blessings and prosperity beginning on the lunar Chinese New Year (February 17), which I really am working on being conscious of and learning about this year.

              🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄 Merry Christmas🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

We "celebrate" (by giving the cats treats and making nice food to eat), but not really, not traditionally, because we don't go to church (though we have in the past) and I am more into Yule and Solstice celebrations than Christian ones. We also always watch a lot of Christmas movies and TV episodes (like Psych. which always makes me laugh, which is awesome). This year we watched three different versions of A Christmas Carol. Scrooged, with Bill Murray and Karen Allen, which I haven't seen in umpteen years, so it was kind of like watching it for the first time again; a Hallmark movie version (that I forgot the name of) that was actually pretty cool; and (probably the best one) A VHS Christmas Carol Live!, which is a musical theater version with original songs. That one is by the theater group "StarKid," who have a lot of their performances on YouTube, and are extremely talented. 

I was looking at one of my old journal notes that was musing about how cool it would be to have that experience that Dickens describes of the ghost visitations and time travel into your own past and future. I wrote how much I would love to see myself as a baby with my mom, dad, and sister, on Christmas. To see myself being unconditionally loved by my family, and them loving each other too. How cool would that be?  Then I realized that a lot of people actually do have that, and get the opportunity to watch themselves on video because they had movie cameras (or phones now, of course), that their parents used to film them.

It would be such a good perspective revelation to see yourself from the outside, in the past, future and present. This might be not that hard to do with visualization exercises, if you can enter the right, open state of mind, and have the awareness and objectivity to be willing to see things or learn things that aren't pleasant ... but teleporting and time travelling with ghosts sounds a lot easier and more fun.😊

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT. Peace and Love, Be excellent to one another. 💖💖💖 If you decide to watch this, I think you'll be really impressed! ♫♬🎜🎝🎶🎶

 I don't know or rather can't decide what to write today, so I let an AI write me a post:

P.S. Photos are not mine, but from a house listed on Zillow in California that I was drooling over!

Writer's block is incredibly frustrating, especially when you've set a goal to post regularly.

Since I know you've been working hard on organizing your art room and resurrecting your blog for regular Wednesday Thursday posts, I've drafted a post centered on that journey. It's often easier to write about the process of getting ready to create when the creativity itself feels stuck.

Here is a draft you can use, edit, or completely scrap if it doesn't feel right:

---

Title Ideas:

• Finding My Way Back to the Easel

• The Great Art Room Reset

• Clearing the Clutter to Find Creativity

Body Draft:

They say the hardest part is just showing up, but I’d argue the hardest part is sometimes just finding your supplies so you can show up.

Lately, I’ve been on a mission to resurrect this blog and, more importantly, my creative practice. I set myself a goal to post here every Wednesday, a small promise to myself to keep moving forward. But before the watercolors could flow and the sketches could start, I had to face the reality of my art room.

I’ve realized I’m what some might call a "Butterfly" organizer. I need to see my things—if they are tucked away in opaque boxes, they might as well not exist. The challenge has been finding a way to keep my beloved supplies visible without letting the room devolve into chaos. It’s a delicate balance of open shelving, clear bins, and a lot of tough decisions about what stays and what goes.

It hasn't just been about cleaning; it’s been an archaeological dig through past projects and forgotten ideas. It's overwhelming, but also inspiring. Clearing physical space really does seem to clear mental space.

I’m not all the way there yet. There are still piles to sort and labels to make. But I’m here, writing this today, which means I’m one step closer than I was yesterday.

It's not my writing, but it says what I feel, so that's 'good enough' for today. Perfection is unattainable anyway, and I feel better just knowing I posted. Here's another scene from the house I was dreaming about for when I win the lottery! ;-)