Those are just things on my mind because I am playing a Queer Eye episode (the one with the family who live on their boat), have been thinking about weight loss a lot lately, and researching the Pomodoro method. I didn't feel like writing today, even though every time I write and post, no matter if I felt like it or not, I always feel a little better afterwards. It's like I accomplished something that no one told me I have to do, and I am glad I did it. It's not a big deal, but I have learned over the years of being in and out of depression and alcoholism and codependent abusive relationships, that it really is the "baby steps" that keep me going. It's also true that once I start writing I think of more things I want to say.
I thought of another couple of odd jobs from the past I think go with ones I have already mentioned (because of their lack of longevity, getting fired or quitting, or the minimum wage nature of them).
I don't remember how I got the job of applying labels by hand to tubes of oil paint at the Gamblin warehouse factory in Portland, but I can picture myself sitting at the table where I worked in the space, peeling labels off the roll, and smoothing them onto the paint tubes. I remember I was excited because I liked the company, but unhappy because of the boring, monotonous, repetitive task I was assigned. I remember feeling like the boss didn't like me and the serious look on her face when she was talking to me about needing to work faster. I only vaguely remember why I was let go from the job. I was probably late to work (because that was common for me at that age (20's)) but I also brought a friend from art school to see the space, because I thought a paint factory was so cool that I wanted to show it off; and I recall being lectured about how that was not okay.
I was probably supposed to get permission first, or (more likely) not do it at all ... it makes sense now of course, but at the time I was very unaware of what boundaries were—in practically every situation). I was able to buy some paints at a discount, before I got my #exit instructions, which was the highlight. I categorize this as a mostly shitty job, that I was not suited for and didn't like, despite the art connection, because I didn't learn anything. I might have worked there a few days, or a month, I can't even remember, but it was extremely short-lived. Some people fuck up and get fired from jobs, and I think that was the case with that one. I did it to myself, but it was based on ignorance and not thinking about it (or knowing any better), rather than any type of malice or intentional self-sabotage.
I have definitely worked jobs that I self-fired myself from by self-sabotage. That is harder to write about because it puts me in a memory of the years when I was not making good choices at all, and was definitely not being kind to myself. I don't know how I got the job to go into the office building where the fancy downtown hair salon was, and start their coffee and clean up early in the morning before they opened, but I didn't do it for very long before I stopped going. Nothing bad happened, I didn't lose the keys, or cause any damage, but I just couldn't keep up the consistent early AM while drinking too much the nights before.
I think I could do a whole section on jobs I lost, never started, or messed up because of alcohol abuse. I once got a job at a cool little deli/cafe across from the public library, and I made some bad excuse to not show up the first day, because I was too hungover, and when I went in next to check the schedule, of course I had already been "unhired." Before I stopped drinking altogether, I remember doing a moral history/inventory of all the jobs, relationships, and classes that I messed up at because of alcohol affecting my physical and mental well-being ... and I was shocked that most of the things I regretted or wished I could go back and change, were bad memories because of alcohol being involved. That's messed up. I think people focus more on the bad things that happen when people get drunk, but not as much on how bad it is to try and function with a perpetual hangover. The two worst parts being sleep deprivation and dehydration, which are serious deficits to efficient brain activity and behavior even when alcohol wasn't the main cause.
It also affected things I will never know about exactly, where it wasn't a direct cause and effect, but a general influence on my character, mental state, and self-confidence. Such as my energy levels, and the way I presented myself, and conveyed my self-worth to others, and the way it stunted my growth because I didn't make time to learn "adulting" things like time management, financial responsibility, and professional respect and organization. Peace & Love, and here's to learning to love yourself first, and the rest will follow. 💜
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