Troubles are a Blessing that Force Me to Change

                   Looking for your dream job isn't easy, I'm definitely a repeat offender, recidivism I think it's called. I keep looking and looking, but not really trying too hard, if you know what I mean. I call myself Apathetic not because I don't want to work, or work very hard, and not because I don't care or don't want to try, but I don't want to repeat the same behaviour as in the past and accept any job doing one of the fifty plus soul sucking things I've done for money. And to be honest, I'm not extremely hopeful. I also still need to figure out what I should do and how to go about doing it. So this is the Beginning of another New Beginning, but this time I am going to do things differently. I am going to have Standards. (Said the Newly Unemployed Woman Recently Denied Unemployment).
              
                  Last time I got hired somewhere I ended up staying for five years. It paid little more than minimum, nothing like the mythical 'living wage' I have heard rumors about. I started there because it was easy and I needed that at the time, after experiencing a long serious depression period after a family death and a cataclysmic relationship ending, and being informed that because of a detected heart murmur I couldn't be approved to take a great job I was otherwise hired for. I ain't got time to be workin' no dead end job for five years again. SO it's time to change my attitude. And I hope that by documenting my job search here I will be one step closer to figuring this thing out. I hope that while I am job hunting I start finding out some things about myself and even ideally realize some kind of super movie style happy ending, or beginning as it were.

I have some skills, like home ice cream scooping.

               This whole confused mindset I can't remember ever not having started when I was a little kid and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, except that I was sure it would have to be totally Awesome for me to want to do it. And there would be money or some other equally useful compensation involved. I was a confirmed believer in Magic as well, which didn't really help my now fully grown up self, as the possibility of winning the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes was not wholly unrealistic to me. So having that as a 'backup plan' didn't exactly instill a sense of strong work ethic and fiscal responsibility. Regardless of level of pay in the variety of crappy jobs I've had, I have never been a big spender on extravagant things, and could have a very decent savings by now if not for two things which I am glad to say I am not alone in being plagued by: Credit Card Debt and Student Loans. If I could talk to my ten year old self, make that five years old, I would teach myself the importance of learning how to save...and why. Because it's just not that easy to find your dream job, and even more difficult when you owe tens of thousands of dollars to a government entity.

                After I quit my crappy and abusive job in the beginning I was elated and relieved to not have to subject myself to inescapable bullying any longer. I was and am grateful to my boyfriend for his pledge to pay for essentials while I am not earning. I decided to apply for unemployment not really expecting it because I did quit, even though I was indeed driven to it for my sanity and emotional survival. Today I opened the fat letter denying unemployment benefits and telling me how to dispute the decision if I chose to request a hearing. As much as I could use the money, I chose to not contest it and just move myself on to the next phase in my life. Which what I am doing now.

              Before I even got denied, there was a several week multi step process to even apply for unemployment. It was a requirement to register at WorkSource Oregon, a medium sized office at Portland Community College housing several internet use computers for job searches and shared classrooms for job hunting workshops. This turned out to be one of the positive things that came out of leaving the crap job as I immediately got to take a really cool class on utilizing social network sites for self promotion and job connecting. I also get access to their job database, which is a lot more specialized than a Craigslist search I think. I already found two pretty cool jobs to apply for
on there, but haven't yet got a decent resume to send them. I also can't quite wrap my head around working in these particular places.

              This is where I start to panic and worry that the cycle is starting over where I can't picture myself in another crap job so I become apathetic about it even though it could've been fun or interesting or slightly profitable, and then it's too late after all that imagining and worrying and the job isn't available. So lesson one shall be: feel the fear, worry. insecurity etc. and go ahead and do it anyway. Because it's good practice for my (as yet unnamed) Dream Job.