Toozdee

I am again just so grateful for my proximity to work. It is turning to rainy, morning fog weather and I am so very glad I don't have to drive great distances any longer.
I am also grateful that the class I am in now allows me to traverse the campus and not because I am chasing a student. It's more like the second class I was in last year than the first one. The downstairs one rather than the upstairs room.

Today we had a bus evacuation drill, which I'd not done before, and I almost asked a question when she said any questions, but instead I mentioned it as we were leaving and she said oh! I forgot that part! So it was a reminder to me, to ask your questions and not hold them in, they might turn out to be important. And I suppose probably a reminder to her to have a list of things to mention. Though she was holding a paper...

I laughed harder today than I have in a very long while. Maybe since we saw Jay Larson standup show in the Summer. All because of an improv game they did in drama class where two people sit on a park bench and have to follow the lead for the scene of whoever starts the dialogue. It started out "Welcome to Domino's, how may I help you?" and she responded " I'd like a pizza." and he said, like it was scripted: "I'm sorry, we only sell ramen." And it was such a ridiculous and unexpected thing that I laughed so loud and hard, and it just got better from there and devolved into paying with baby parts and parents being cannibalized. Oh my God, it was so funny. I wish I had filmed it. If only I had known. And I wish that kid would be on SNL, so I could watch him every week. Maybe he will!

A kid asked me if I like Christian rock and I'm like, maybe, it depends on the band and song like any other type of music. But he seemed to just want a yes or no, so I said yes, and that satisfied him. Then he started talking to another kid about the church they went to, but the one kid couldn't go anymore for some parental imposed reason, and he exclaimed that he hates his parents and where he lives.

I thought that didn't sound like a very church attending individual thing to say, but also that I don't know his parents and maybe they're monsters and he is unhappy at home. It also reminded.me of when I was really depressed and thought I hated my mom and wanted her to die too so I would be an orphan. It was, and I know I had been through a lot, but it truly was some classic teenage angst. Though I dearly wish it had been more conceptual and metaphorical, and less directed at my mom, who clearly needed some serious support at the time too.

I guess part of me wanted to be like a lot of my friends who were hating on their parents a lot of the time, when I should have been trying to tap into my own individual strength rather than fitting in with negative people.
 I should have focused on healing and growing and being my mom's best friend when we needed each other the most. Sorry mom. I know we became close later, but I'm sorry I messed up so much, and wasn't there for you (and you for me sometimes too) when you needed me the most. Peace.