Positive

I am going to write a positive post to remind myself and any one reading this that despite your faults, errors, humanity or inconsistencies, you do have positive accomplishments and successes in your life.
I'm not saying be grateful for the things you have because others have less, I'm saying think about things you have changed and overcome and feel good about it. Because you did that. And you rock.

I used to drink every day. I don't do that anymore. I still drink occasionally but I don't binge drink anymore. That's a major accomplishment. I have been in several art shows. I don't do that anymore either, but I want to. I finally wrote to the (no longer) little girl in Alaska who I met years ago when her mom came to visit her friend (my former roommate) and we did a painting project together and I promised her I would frame it and send it to her. I sent her a card to see if that address was still good before I send her the painting.

I have explored my interest in spirituality and God a little bit by visiting a church and a temple. I haven't done it regularly, and I haven't gotten as involved as I want to with taking classes they offer, but I made a small effort whereas I wasn't making any at all in the past.

I went to the doctor instead of ignoring an issue with my breast. And for a dental check up. Of course it helps significantly to have health insurance, which I may not have much longer, but I went so.....that's a positive.

I refinished or painted several pieces of furniture that I got for free or cheap and then sold them at GSW. Of course the retail re-sale store charges us rent and  takes a commission percentage, but I still accomplished something I set out to do. I had the idea, I started it and I finished it. That's positive.

I guess there are still more things I could put on my negative list than positives, but that's okay. I'm trying. And that's ... positive!

*Now what I am wondering is if I should make a list of all the 'poor' decisions and choices I have ever made and figure out what I could have done differently, with the knowledge and power I had at my disposal at the time. Would there be any benefit in doing that? Would it help me to do better and know better now and in the future?*

Good Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Today we helped a new friend pick up some free furniture and move it thanks to having Steve's mom's truck (and not having to be at work). We picked up a bed over in one town and two recliner chairs in a different town. I had forgotten that all of the dogs' cremains were still in the truck bed so I had to move them all up front. The gal seems like a really great person. She bought us lunch at Sonic and I noticed she has a neck tattoo; I commented that I hadn't been aware of it when we met before and she told me it represents her cancer survival and showed me how it says something upside down too. It was definitely a good thing to be able to help someone out in that way, also the people gifting the furniture seemed happy to get rid of stuff and give it to someone who really needed it.

I also had an optometry appointment and that was a good thing to take care of while I still have insurance. The experience was overall pretty good. Definitely not as intrusive or awkward as the mammogram I am getting next week will be.

The cat is sitting enclosed in the reptile tank, just watching the crickets...sitting on the heating pad under the glass. He seems very content. I wish I could be that content sometimes.

Tomorrow I am to meet up with my union representative at the local police station to have a meeting with a woman from the DHS office. Need to stay calm and carry on.

Unfortunately I just got a message that our friend is missing the small bag of hardware pieces needed to assemble her new bed frame. And it is possible that we accidentally threw it away. Whoops. I hope she finds it and maybe if not we can help get new pieces to help fix it. Peace.

Thinking

I do think I understand why I am stuck. Why things happen to me instead of being decisions I make. I think it goes back a very long way and is a combination of non-choices conflated by poor choices. A lack of clear goal setting and plan making going back as far as I can remember. And the times I thought I knew what I should do or was doing or going to do, were short sighted and short lived...

And almost every time I planned on doing something for myself that I really wanted to do I either procrastinated about and didn't get to it, or I just didn't motivate and get up to do it.

I feel like I need a re-training for life, and a re-wiring of my decision making synapses.

So how does one do that?

There's a difference between 'going with the flow' and letting life happen to you. You might get lucky and have things just seem to work out naturally sometimes but more likely most things that happen will demand you to compromise somehow because you didn't make any decisions and you gave up control.

That's something I still need to learn. How you make good decisions and keep some control over what happens to you in (my) your own life. It's tough when you live 'paycheck to paycheck' because money can help in almost every way to ease the decision making process, but it's not impossible.

Ambushed and Upended

Again, stress and anxiety bring me back to blogging.
I was met at school a couple weeks ago by a VP admin who informed me I needed to go home and that I was on leave because of an 'incident'. Since then I have been upset, confused, anxious and trying to do some serious thinking and planning for life. It is being investigated and I have spoken with a union representative and need to meet with DHS and a group from the school district. I saw a psychologist who referred me to a therapist where I have an appointment. It's a weird experience altogether — that while I am not happy to be experiencing, this is kick starting me to do something about it. I feel that I was in a slow coma rut of doing the same thing day after day and not making any personal forward progress, I wasn't happy, so I hope to get my act together emotionally so I can move forward professionally.

You know how they say that if you aren't proactive about your life then it will just happen to you whether you like it or not? I feel like that is happening. And while I don't have control over most of it, I have a lot of things that I can do for myself.

It's funny that my last post was about Ayodeji Awosika, because last night we watched several of his episodes and I was again inspired. However, although I feel he is accurately describing me as a creative person who is not doing what she really wants to do, I am still totally not sure which steps to take to go forward. Meanwhile I have a long list of things to do that I need to take care of. One of them is writing and so I hope I come back here more frequently. Stay strong.