And the Band Played On!

We got to see the band play last night, how great! They ranged from kind of rusty to incredibly wonderful! Made me wish there were still places where you could go dance to live music like that. One of the best trumpet players resembled Michael Buble

I've got notes on my phone that are vague and I don't know what they mean. I think they are various websites and things to research for classes.

I had a good day because I took all my breaks and walked home in the rain and had snack and coffee and tea and cigarettes. And because I did some calming tasks in between helping kids like my coloring page and cutting out some pictures which helped me to de-stress and not pressure them to do work but just to be ready to help them when they needed it. I also remembered to do some deep breathing when I reminded a student how to do some calming techniques. And I got to have some unexpected reading time with the student I have been reading with and she didn't want to read today so I read and she listened, which I enjoy of course, and we read a story about a little boy in Mexico who loved a horse so much that he made a clay sculpture of her and other adventures. I definitely wish we could incorporate a few minutes of stretching and mindfulness meditation to help students (and us) on a regular basis to feel comfortable in their bodies and confident in their minds.

I took almost a four-hour nap when I got home. I needed it after attending play practice and hanging up positivity notes in the girl's bathrooms I was at school until six and then we went back for the band concert at seven and then I went to Plaid and got a pretty good pinot that I ended up drinking all of. So I didn't go to sleep until after midnight when I'd been getting to bed closer to ten recently.

It's been a very cold and rainy day. All day. We also read the book that I love very much called Rainy Sunday by Eleanor Schick. The Horse and the Boy book also had a torrential rain scene in it, which was cool. I looked up the author today and discovered that the author attended Julliard school of dance and was also a dance teacher We tried to look up the other author and could only find one other title listed for her about a twirly skirt...  Eleanor Schick kind of my dream life, if I had had the understanding to know how to follow my dreams and not crush them before I even tried. I would like to read more about her life. I also really admire Zilpha Keatley Snyder and Beverly Cleary and Ellen Raskin. It's cool that Raskin wrote The Westing Game and Keatley Snyder wrote The Egypt Game. And I love that they use their real names unlike (*ahem) Rowling, who did the thing where you use initials so people think you may be a man. Ergh!! It's fucked up, isn't it? Because more people have heard of her and she made millions more dollars. Meh. No matter. I want to emulate my idols and learn from those I love and respect and admire.

If I could be writers like them I would be the happiest person in the world! A lot of authors of kids' books are also teachers so I am on the right path so far, even though it wasn't specifically planned beforehand. It is still something I am learning how to do: be more confident and do my best which is damn good enough, and also resurrect my dreams of dancing and music and art and writing. And honor my mom and dad by following through with it. Be dedicated to taking baby steps every day.

There have been more mass shootings in the past couple of weeks in the United States, in Texas and California. The lack of gun control and the pervasive easy acquisition of firearms is reprehensible and a constant mental disturbance upsetting the possibility of Peace via our collective subconscious.

I saw an old note I had from an interview with Narduwar where he mentioned the Association for Research and Enlightenment (A.R.E.) which I finally looked up tonight, and it seems like something I would really like a lot. It sounds like The Tao of Pooh too. They are in Virginia and that, I discovered, being the geographically challenged person that I am, is south of the state of Ohio, where Uncle Gene lives! Peace be unto you.

Art and Inspiration

It's really a shame that I didn't take advantage of having a free art museum membership when I was at school to actually set up in the museum and try to practice painting from the artwork there. Sometimes being shy is such bullshit. I say shy, I don't know if that's the term for it. Social anxiety? Caring what people do or think when you can't control it? Being self-conscious? I guess that's it.

So it was really great to go to the art museum the other day and have a nice time and feel like I still want to be a painter, I just need to do it. I miss it so much, but not the cleanup part. That's why I always wanted a studio space where I could leave all my messy art shit around and just take care of what I was working on. You know what my favorite thing I painted was, besides my life drawing (clothed figure drawing) in crayon and pencil was? And besides my drippy loose oil wash figure paintings on paper? And besides the Lautrec (Renoir?) four plate etchings? And besides the large format matte self-portrait 'scenes from a movie' stills (home invasion/abused)? It was definitely and undeniably the self-portrait as a Vermeer painting at the piano in oil, oversized. God, I miss having that big space to paint in even though it wasn't designated for me because of the stupid fucking rule about illustration majors not getting painting studio space. What kind of bullshit was that?? But did I complain loud and proud to whom it counted? No, so I never will know if a difference that would have made. Maybe not. Fuck. I also really enjoyed painting my sister's wedding portrait although it didn't turn out super fantastic, I enjoyed creating it.

So it was a good feeling when I got to join the women (they are all young women) in the afterschool art group to see what kinds of projects they were doing, and talk to them about their pieces. I thought about drawing, but I enjoyed talking to them, and I figure that maybe like the SMART program, it might just be a good thing sometimes to have someone (an adult who's not a family member) around to talk to or just to pay you some attention. They are smart gals doing some really interesting drawings and other multimedia work. Very nice to see! I wish I could work on the mural some more though. Just need to find the times when I'm not busy working and the teacher is there so the room is open. And hopefully, some of the students in the art club will be interested in helping complete it. I think that murals should be done by the people in the community if possible, and definitely are by their nature group projects. Yay! Peace.

I Think It Was A Good Day

I think it was a pretty good day. I had an idea about my book; essentially to make it into four separate books because I can't decide on which plot to choose.

I saw the teacher like three times without a chance to talk which is good because it took me that long to figure out what I was going to say ( I didn't want to apologize per se, but I did want to express that I wanted to move on and forget about the weirdness from last week). So it turns out that she wanted to say sorry to me. Which was unexpected at the time but then later I understood. I told her how I still felt embarrassed about my unprofessional behavior. But she pee-shawed that and said I was just having feelings. I thanked her and added that it had been a rough day. I didn't share that I don't always feel appreciated and that I don't get any hugs at school anymore and that makes me sad, because you can't change that so there's not any reason to complain about it. So I guess I feel better. I do.

I just had cheese and apple toasted sandwich and it was delicious, but I'm still hungry...I watched the show SMILF which is written and directed by the beautiful and intelligent creative woman who also stars in it. The show is based on a film she did for Sundance Festival. I think Steve would love it too.

Frankie Shaw and Rosie O'Donnell

Congratulations

I hereby congratulate myself on having enough consistency and determination to accomplish the 'publishing' of more than 100 blog posts in a matter of months. Congratulations self. If you want some encouragement and support, and it's not forthcoming from elsewhere, just do it yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with giving some love and positive feedback and compliments to your own self.

I've made a ton of mistakes and been setback a lot but going to the art museum yesterday and chatting to the guard, Sam, who was there the whole time I went to school there, about how weird that it's gone, made me remember that I was really lucky to go there, even if I fucked up a lot and didn't take advantage of all the things I could have, and wished that were different. I still am learning and making advancements, though slowly. Like, a healthy bit of criticism, I still cannot touch type. And I have not been taking drawing classes and writing classes like I should be. Then again, I am not the everyday drunk person I was, and my back is healing, even though I am not exercising daily.

Good, no, Great job self. You are trying. I am proud of you for this. Fuck all those people who don't believe in participation awards. They suck and just want other people to have low self-confidence so they don't succeed. Participation is important. And so is teamwork and just showing up and being on time. It counts. IT's important. You count. I count. Love yourself. Be confident because you are good enough! Peace.

Tracy Hooper our guest speaker at DfS

The Simpsons!

I'm just watching The Simpsons while I catch up on typing from the last few days. This one is about Marge running for mayor of Springfield. One day we played a lot of great YouTube classical music including The Danish Symphony performing a Star Wars Suite (with subtitles for the introductions) and a few different versions of Peter and the Wolf, one which had some very cool puppets and Sting (in puppet form) as the narrator. I was looking for an adaptation that Weird Al Yankovic made but there was a note it was out of print and could only find a tiny clip of it.

I finally received my new ID at work (that I had lost and needed to pay for a replacement) and had been wondering what was taking so long, and then a couple days later I found my old one in the kitchen tucked into a food container being used as a vitamin tray on the counter. So I can leave it at school to have as an extra one, which is nice to have, I suppose.

I know I already talked about how I was crying on Thursday (and came right home instead of going to the drama club meeting, but who has a club meeting after school when it's a three day weekend anyway?) and at home I was still so upset that I pounded the door with the side of my fist, not so much that it hurt me or the door, but that it made a loud boom and we don't have neighbors  on either side right now, and Deb upstairs wasn't home yet from work, so she wouldn't wonder what was going on...I really wanted to yell and scream, but it's not very safe to do that where people might hear you. I wish there was a way to circumvent it, like when I could go into the walk-in freezer at Wal Mart and yell my head off until I felt better.

I thought a student was either very poor or homeless then I read she said she has horses, so I don't think that's true anymore, though I don't know anything about her personal life for certain anyway.

There was a lot of blood in a toilet and s little on the seat, and I was like, ew gross, why didn't they flush it? Were they too grossed out? Did they want to gross other people out? So I did a good deed that nobody will ever know about and flushed it thoroughly so at least the custodian wouldn't have to see that. Not that he would. Maybe I should have waited to see how long it would stay there. No, that's just as weird as the person who didn't flush it in the first place.

We drove across town so I could attend the Dress for Succes 'Professional Women's Group' meeting and then go see 9 to 5. And we weren't necessarily going to Wordstock for the readings, but I really wanted to take Steve to the art museum, where some events were, so I hoped we could do that too. The speaker was Tracy Hooper who was a very upbeat (Jane Fonda like if you will) woman of a certain age who talked us through her powerpoint of Growing Confidence. She had us stand up and do a little role-playing and at the end, I won a box of pretty soaps in the raffle. I was excited and did a little Whoopdy Doo dance. One of the many interesting things she suggested was attempting to remove the word "Sorry" from your vocabulary, as women tend to say it all too much and it is unnecessary most of the time. She said you can replace sorry with a form of Thank you, as in thank you for your patience. Love and Peace.

Fridayyyy Free Dayyyy!

I went to the gym last night instead of taking a nap and did so many arm workouts! It was good but made me so sore that I couldn't sleep. I literally kept tossing and turning. I was also worried and thinking so much about what happened yesterday. I was concerned about a student who in my estimation was on drugs. He had physical and mental signs of it, but they were subtle. I had wanted to talk to the teacher about it but never had a quiet opportunity. And then at the end of the day there were three people in the room discussing someone else and I was on my way out, but just was going to wipe the table first and the teacher told me to just leave it, but I was like, uh, I just sprayed this paper towel and am about to wipe the table, which would take about five seconds, and my eyes just watered up and I left the room and then she came out and said they were talking about some student and it was confidential. I said, in the time it took you to stop me and tell me that, I could have wiped the table off and been out of their way. Also, if it was so private they shouldn't have started their meeting until I was done. Also, of course I respect student confidentiality and would not repeat anything I hear. Also, they were only saying the student was chronically late, which I was already well aware of. I didn't tell her all that, I was embarrassed that I was crying. But she can speak rudely and harshly often and has even made a kid or two cry, so I wasn't feeling like she was being mean to me personally, just that she wasn't being reasonable and spoke thoughtlessly. I also had a negative experience with another kid who acts like he hears voices and is talking back to them and will rarely respond when spoken to. I think he is exhibiting signs of schizophrenia, but obviously I don't have any clinical knowledge about that, and it could be the way he presents his autism. Though I don't even know for sure he has autism. They don't really tell us details about students, or else maybe they don't know. He reminds me of someone who has had a serious concussion and is very forgetful and dazed and unsure who people are or what words mean anymore. I feel both worried about him and upset that I don't know how to work with him. He doesn't seem to mind being read to so I could do that. But when he is in class he is expected to do what everyone else is doing and it's just so tiring and frustrating to try to get him to do that. I guess I shouldn't work with him if he drives me that nuts. I pick up on his weird energy and it makes me feel all buzzy. I hope that makes sense somehow.

Today was a free day and I used it to sleep. It's the observation of Veteran's day which is really tomorrow the eleventh. Steve put on Red Dwarf for me, which I thought was not on anymore, or just repeats, but turns out there was a reboot like over twenty years later and it's new and improves, and I really, really liked it! Very funny and cool space show. Red Dwarf XII is very good stuff! They even referenced Doctor Who by saying Wibbly Wobbly Time thingy, which made me laugh since Doctor Who also underwent a major reboot transformation. And is coming back next year with the first ever female Doctor Who! I mean, that is really massively exciting news. When I'm sad, I need to remind myself of that! Another British time-travel comedy that we have been watching is called Zapped. It's very creative and unusual. Taking place in an alternate dimension that is magical and also reminiscent of Medieval times, a not so bright office worker called Brian has gone through a wormhole and is having adventures while camped out at the local pub with his new mates, sometimes attempting to find a way back home.

Tomorrow I get to go to a meeting again at Dress for Success, and to see 9 to 5! I hope. PEACE.

Gosh Almighty

Our neighbor with the cool bird moved out suddenly and we helped her by scavenging and salvaging items from her apartment that she didn't know about and couldn't look through herself. We found a bunch of cool stuff that I couldn't believe she didn't want, so we packed it up and moved it into the laundry room and our apartment. Books, cameras, art supplies, etc. You could say hoarding, but also just a life full of collecting and hobbies. Not unlike our own apartment. We retrieved two small bookshelves and two nice chairs which we really could use, and Steve got an unopened Target shoe shelf organizer that I (sort of) enjoyed assembling last night.

When I was looking at the emails the other day I also saw one from Laurelhurst theater in Portland. I haven't been there for years. I must have signed up for their email list long ago...But I saw that they are showing one of my favorite 80's movies, 9-5, this week! And it is perfect timing to go and see it after my Dress for Success meeting! I hope it works out and Steve wants to go with me.

This kid at school really made me mad when he was blatantly disobedient and then when he said You're not the boss of me, nobody can tell me what to do...And I said You know the rules, they apply to everyone at school, and then he kept repeating "it's a free country", talking over me. Aarrggh!! I was really upset that he was being so illogical and stubborn because he isn't usually that way at all. I expressed my frustration to a colleague who shared that all the teachers who have worked with that particular student have had similar experiences with him and that made me feel a lot better just hearing that I wasn't alone in that. Funny how that can help so much emotionally. We are all human.