If...

If we only did what we could...

when we should...

things would all be better for everyone.

What if we all treated public things as if they were our own? What if we regarded other people's feelings as if they were our own? Wouldn't we be kinder to one another? Wouldn't our beaches and public parks stay cleaner? What if we all spoke up when a wrong was occurring, and stood up for ourselves when we felt demeaned or threatened?

What if we did our homework when we were supposed to and went to class on time? Wouldn't we all have a better education? What if we kept our promises, to ourselves and others, and didn't lie about it.

This line of thinking/questioning was inspired by the smallest seeming thing. We live in an apartment building that shares two washers and dryers for 15 apartments. It seems like every time I go do laundry the lint trap is still full from the last load. Someone simply can't be bothered to clean it out. Three or four seconds it takes, and they don't do it. It might be forgetful, or thoughtless and inconsiderate, but mostly it is annoying for me. It's not like it's a big chore for me either. But I always do it for the next person. Before I even take my clothes out, just swipe my hand along there and put it into the trash. It happens all the time. But today I started to wonder: if this was their washer and dryer, in their house, would they still leave it there? Maybe the answer is yes. But it made me think.

And then I started to think, wow, what if I treated my body as well as I treated my lint trap, that's not even mine? What if I was more willing to be thoughtful about my health and well being? What if I followed through every time I said I would? I am pretty sure that I would be a much more organized and thoughtful person. What if I focused on not making promises I wasn't sure I could keep, and not lying about anything I didn't do? What if I s l o w e d down before answering a question, and made sure I truly understood what I had heard? What if I just tried to listen more... I don't know if I would communicate better or more effectively, but I think that would make talking to people easier. I think I would slowly become a more authentic version of myself, which sounds very nice right now.

This is Hard

It's So Hard

To Do Everything

So Remember You Don't Have To.

Even though I am trying to get organized, I start to think about all the things to do and I start to feel overwhelmed. I'm making lists every day and crossing things off. I'm trying to remind myself that to do just one thing sometimes is okay. Just getting started on something is okay. Everything is (deep breath) Okay. 

There's a lot of crazy and intense pain going on in the United States right now, a major natural disaster called Hurricane Harvey has claimed nine 44 people's lives, and is flooding and destroying people's homes and businesses in Texas and other parts of the Gulf Coast. A U.S. military ship crashed near Singapore and ten brave soldiers died. A major clash between racial extremists and peaceful protesters led to the death of an innocent young woman in Charleston. Our president is contributing to a more severe divide between political parties, and economic haves and have nots, rather than helping to bring people together as a united nation.

It's more important than ever to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To begin, and begin again.

Keep on starting over and don't give up. It's so hard to do everything. But if I can do one thing, then I have done enough to say I did it. I have a big voice inside me saying negative things a lot of the time, and if I can overcome it to just accomplish even writing here every day, then I shall say: 'Good Job'.

God Bless those who are suffering and in pain right now. I pray you are safe and have access to clean water and food and shelter. I pray you are trying to think positive thoughts. You are survivors, and that is the first step toward recovery and healing. Amen.

Lots of Work to Do

I'm always interested in learning

and today I listened to the audiobook by Charlamagne tha God, read by him, about his life. He had a lot of good advice on how to take care of yourself (eat more green things) and work toward your goals (use your time wisely) that I needed to hear. I am still in the ongoing process of learning to believe in myself and raise my self-esteem while also not giving a fuck what people think of me.

Just like writing or drawing, you can do this a little bit at a time, and build on your progressive success, as long as you can just get started. Zenhabits.net has some very profound suggestions for doing that (excerpt): 

1. Take the tiniest step to get started. Any movement at all.
2. Commit yourself to continuing that tiny step every day. Get accountability if you need it, and set up reminders so you don’t forget.
3. Keep taking tiny steps, creating a good feeling about this endeavor and about yourself. This good feeling is a powerful thing.

                                                        Scene from Skip Trace movie

"tell yourself that life is an uncontrollable river and you just have to flow with it. Instead of wishing the river were a set path, perfectly controlled and manicured, accept that things are constantly changing, never according to plan, and that you just need to adapt." 

 

The Difference

Writing

My blog goals were to: improve typing skills, increase accountability, record my journey to find a job in my field of art and education. A major disconnect occurred when I stopped writing. I 'got busy' when I started working again full time and stopped writing. I stopped doing what was an incredibly important part of this process of discovering not only what I wanted to do, but what I needed to do in order to accomplish my goals. So! My new and immediate goal, that was thankfully kickstarted by the motivation of hearing about the #500words project, is to write with tenacity and dedication this year. I want to write about what I do and learn and the people I meet. I want to write every day. Even if it is only a sentence...or a quote... that will be the difference between this year and last. And I hope that it will seep into my daily life and make me not only a better person, but one more motivated to accomplish what I say I am going to do.

Motivation

The most important thing always, is to just take a step to get started. But it can also help to read encouraging words of others. Here's a great article on motivating to write every day, if that's what you want to do but are feeling stressed and uninspired. Ten Tips for Daily Writing.

School starts again in a week and I could get a lot accomplished in that time if I can be more efficient and organized. So maybe I will try and focus on continuing to make a habit of writing, about successes and failures, memories and thoughts, and document where my head is at, and what I can do to make this year better than last. Peace and Love!

                                             

More Random Thoughts

An old note I found:

4-29-16 "I discovered Wilbooks by Bruce Larkin, he has fake bios/tall tales at the end of every book! Different each time! Delightful! Whimsical! Cool! Like: Bruce Larkin lives in a converted missile silo. and Bruce Larkin doesn't understand why more people don't appreciate you. And Traffic Lights malfunction when Bruce Larkin's allergies act up. Ha ha ha. Most of the books were in Spanish, for the bilingual school kids. I learned the word Zorro, which I always only knew as, well, Zorro the Gay Blade, means Fox. And lizard is el lagarto. When we have so many geckos, we should know the word for lizards!"

Other Thoughts:

Most of the high school age (which is really 14-21) kids/young adults in Special Education programs are pretty set in their ways by this time. There's still a chance to be a positive influence in their lives, but not really to alter their behavior and reactions significantly, if that was ever possible, depending on their diagnosis and conditions. I learned a lot about autism and that was very valuable, but one of the factors of autism is that allow there are a few similarities, it is different for every person. It would be extremely helpful if clearly written information was passed on to the next teachers, as well as notes from the family or parents. I was meeting these student people for the first time and having to not only get to know them (which takes time with anyone) but also having to find out how they learn best and what rewards they are willing to work for, and if this had been conveyed on a master document with all significant parties contributing, it would have made my transition into the class much more fluid. I don't mind asking questions, but the manager was tired of answering them, and I also wasn't always sure what were the right questions to ask. Also, two of the other teachers were near retirement, and it was clear they were halfway checked out and not really interested in training me. It was as if I was expected to come in there totally experienced and trained, although I never lied about anything, they had the impression I should have known everything. I assumed they were familiar with my resume/application, but I guess not! I think HR should have not only conveyed what my experience and background was but before assigning me to that particular class I should have either met or been interviewed as well by the teacher since I would be depending on her for guidance and instruction all year. I've already said some of this before, but I keep thinking about it a lot...

Moving on:

Even though I am excited to begin a new school year at a different location, I'm already thinking more and more about how I want my work to focus more on my art and writing too, but mainly art.

We watched a great movie last night called The Incredible Jessica James. The main title character was a passionate playwrite seeking to be produced and also working in a non-profit theater company teaching children improv and playwriting. She was frustrated that she was getting so many rejection letters about her own work, but she was dedicated to continuing to try. I am stoked to have made this accomplishment of working in a school, but I have to be honest. I did a lot of babysitting and bottom and nose wiping last year. Only on a few occasions and a handful of moments did I feel that I was having the experience of working in education. They were just so random and fleeting and also unpredictable. In special education, especially with autism, they say you need to be hyper aware and on the lookout for teaching and communication opportunities everywhere all the time. It's true, it is. I am just getting to where I am feeling like I am constantly missing out on doing something with my art appreciation interests. It's my own fault of course. I need to create the time and motivation to spur me to create. But! It would also be extremely helpful to have the physical space to do that. So, bar magically getting a studio area/room (like my friend Sarah uses their garage, which is part of the house) I just need to do the organizing and clutter clearing that I keep going on about, and start doing some art. It might be limited to smaller dimensions, no longer am I able to do five-foot tall canvas paintings like I could in school, but I will be working on it, and that's what matters most. And if my end goal is to illustrate (and write) children's books, then I shouldn't need a lot of room. But what I do need is more simplicity and space to think, you know what I mean? 

Anyway,

We are supposed to to try to hit some golf balls at a driving range for the first time, so Bless All, gtg.

Organizing for Healthy Mind and Soul

Here's some more inspiration from Thrive:  

Cate Palmer writes in an article titled How Decluttering My House Decluttered My Mind

about helping us to clear our heads by starting with our immediate surrounding personal environment.

I don't think my parents were clutter collectors until two kids came along and they slowly allowed things to get out of hand in our very small home. This is also connected to the lack of structure and discipline we were brought up without. It became so disorganized and overwhelming to deal with that my dad tried to have garage sales and my mom took us to the flea market to try and sell some stuff. But it was really difficult by that time to let go of things and I didn't like the idea of another person having something of ours. Weird, right? 

I was mad that our house was so small and didn't think it was fair that my friends' houses had basements and attics and storage rooms or sheds. And all those (to me, very unrealistic) movies where a grown person goes home to see their parents, still in the house where they grew up, and their childhood room is exactly how they left it when they moved away. And all their childhood things were put away nicely in organized boxes on shelves in the basement. I call bullshit!

We just had two small closets and a garage (unattached, and so full of random boxes mixed with valuable mementos and genuine junk that we could never put an actual car in it. I know that's not totally unusual, but it had leaks and some great memories were ruined by mold.) It was so overfilled and unorganized that we had to climb up over the piles of stuff to look for things. It was always an interesting adventure spending hours in there, crawling around, sitting atop the piles, reading magazines and comics, looking at childhood toys and old pictures. But it wasn't a healthy place. There were spiders and bugs and moldy dirty cardboard boxes and lots of dust. 

 I think even though clutter and stuff had and still has, a negative impact in my life, it also has a comforting and peaceful association.  There were moments of supreme calm and quiet hanging out and reading in the garage, atop the hoarded personal treasures.It can be creative and inspiring to be surrounded by books and magazines and tools and art supplies. But it isn't helpful when there's no clear space to work. Outside clutter can create cloudy mental space, and it's physically not possible to even think clearly when there's literally only inches of space in between the hundred objects on the desk...

My mom also strived to create and encourage a very creative household, and it makes sense to not maintain a fastidiously organized space if you want to support being open minded and free thinking. But even though I find a degree of comfort in all the stuff, it's so h e a v y, literally and figuratively. I would like to say goodbye forever to as much of it as I possibly can, without promoting a mental breakdown into sentimentality. I mean, ideally, it should have the opposite effect, and provide a freeing emotional result.

I don't know. I actually went into the GSW today, where you can rent a small space to sell or re-sell junk and vintage stuff, and talked to them a little about how it all works. It's $95 a month though. I was imagining it would be more like $50 or $60. It's a great idea if I could figure out what to actually sell and if it's better to do that or on E-bay. That's been my problem for a long time. Being willing to sell stuff and actually doing it are two different things. Okay friends. Goodnight and God Bless and good luck in organizing your closets this week! ! !

Emotionally Assertive

Self-awareness and Understanding

are so important to work towards

So you can know the reasons behind your actions and feelings.

I have been a procrastinator as long as I can remember and I have always blamed failures on that. Today I read an article I would like to share about how procrastination doesn't lead to failure, but the emotional connections to the reasons for procrastinating do. What Motivates Getting Things Done by Mary Lamia. 

It wasn't a 'cure' for people like me, but it had a lot of points to ponder. And if something makes you think about your ingrained behaviors and sparks some ideas of how to make positive adjustments, then I think it's worth taking a look at, so I hope you read it and find it interesting and encouraging!

Peace.

                                                  I did a book report on this in high school.

                                                    It's a magical and inspiring book.

Tenacious Technology

 Kevin Smith Quote: "You have to manifest reality by telling people the shit you want to do..." 

in reference to his blog about what he wanted to create with his idea...

So I need to keep in mind what I need/want and then persistently work with that idea.

Our biggest assets are our own brains. However, I felt last year that I was falling behind all the time by not having more computer (specifically iPad) skills when it came to helping students. In the first class I was in all the students had iPads at their disposal provided by the school. They used them mainly for YouTube and music videos. This was not what I expected from my experience working as a sub in grammar schools where they used their technology devices almost exclusively for math and language lessons, utilizing fun educational game apps. Those weren't special education students though. 

Maybe they need the paper 'hardcopy' of kid's work to track their progress. But that doesn't make any sense, bc if they could learn faster with an app, and enjoy it more, therefore be more motivated to want to do it, then that should be used. And if you needed a hardcopy of something you could do it once a week for a progress check. Although, it could be as simple as wanting them to practice using a pencil as much as possible. One of the most important things that we were told when working with kids in special ed, is to remember to teach for the outside circle. That means not just for we teachers, or their family, who already understand them the best, but for the 'real world' as much as possible. The thing is, it's as important to learn to use a pencil as it is to navigate a computer terminal.

Which brings me back to the beginning, which is that I feel I was sorely untrained in the technological aspect of classroom teaching. I don't have an iPad at home, so had to learn as I went, which was laborious and frustrating. I don't have a mp3 player or iPod. and had the same problem helping one student use his. There was some specific adaptive tech like software for speaking to type using a headset, which would have been helpful if we had that with training on how to help students learn to use them.

Also, we could have used the option of a joystick in place of the mouse for those with limited physical ability and dexterity and muscle control; which weren't even available but should have been. If there is tech available to assist Special Education in any way, it should be available with training on how to use it and how to instruct with it. I know it can be expensive, but with every kid having an iPad (we didn't need all those iPads really) and every general ed student assigned a Chromebook, it does not seem impossible to set up the classrooms more effectively.

At the very least, they could have let me and anyone else who wanted to) borrow an iPad on weekends and vacation breaks to improve my skills and abilities to help teach students without struggling during class time to do something fairly basic, or find the resource or information I needed to help.

I kind of got distracted here writing about frustrations, but I just want to reiterate that I need to keep manifesting my dreams and goals because it is working. I just need to relax and work harder at it. Sound like opposite ideas, but I feel that they are very connected. God Bless, God Speed. 

Reimagining Classrooms: Teachers as Learners and Students as Leaders | K...

"In Laziness and procrastination..." Liz Miele

This will be a Short One

I don't feel like writing...

But I want to get something down.

Yesterday was the total eclipse and it was pretty fantastic. I really want to be open to change and figuring out what I can do differently to avoid past mistakes and frustrations before they happen. I want to try harder to focus on future goals while living in the present, but not be so overwhelmed.

I want to be less scared and intimidated and more confident in my abilities and experience.

More Pondering on the Past

My sister went to one year of private high school and then to the alternative school located at our local high school. We couldn't afford private school. I'm not even sure how she got to go for one year. But of course I wanted to do what big sister did, and planned on attending the School Within A School (S.W.A.S.) just like her. Unfortunately, or moreso at the time, tragically, that school dissolved before I got to start, and I was by default assigned into the general population of the large high school. I was gutted. I felt frustrated, insecure and lost at sea. If only I could have gone to a performing arts school in the city, like in Fame. Not that I was an incredible talent or anything, but I loved to sing, dance and perform. I taught myself how to juggle and ride a unicycle,  and would have fit in with all the other weirdo artists pretty well. S.W.A.S. had murals and let you paint your locker. I knew I would feel safe and comfortable there at least. But they closed. A Very dismal situation for me.

The regular high school offered two electives only, so you had to choose. I think that language should have been a requirement and not an elective, but it wasn't, so I chose to continue French since I'd already been studying it for a few years. I wish I had taken Spanish. Typing was not required either, as it really should have been, as well as computer class. So even though I wanted to do those things, I had to choose, and of course I chose art. I don't know what school would let you take art and computers and drama and sports and typing and study languages, but I wish that I had gone there instead. I am suffering (as it were) to this day, from lack of keyboarding skills. And if I had the impetus to be fluent in Spanish now I could be making quite a lot of money just for having bilingual skills. The high school I worked at last year offered ASL as a language class. How fucking cool is that? Seriously cool. I had to wait until I went to University to take that. Well, that's what I thought, so that's what I did. I should have taken it at the Community college, but I simply had no clue...

Well, I hope that writing about what I didn't do or what went wrong helps me to somehow not only make peace with the past but to do better moving forward. Thank you for listening, God Bless! ; )

Questions to Ask

Am I clear on what I want?

AM I WORKING TOWARD A GOAL?

Am I doing what I can to achieve my dream?

 Lao-Tzu author of the Tao Te Ching, Chinese philosopher and founder of Taoism: "You already hold the answer to life's questions. At the Center of your being you have the have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want." That is so very profound and can be asked and applied to almost any situation at anytime in your life.

(From a post by georg-grey/blogspot.mx)

More ruminations on certain situations

Growing up, my mom loved tennis and taught me to play early and got me lessons and I excelled at it and really enjoyed playing. Mostly by myself. On the backboard. There were a couple people to play with at middle school, but that was it. So I'd get really good by myself by practicing backswings and serves repeatedly. Here's the thing. When I finally had a chance to join a team, it was in high school, but I was in love with drama and the practices conflicted with rehearsals. This was a bad decision on my part. I didn't have the foresight or the intel to make a good decision at the time. I had just turned fourteen and was just entering a high school I didn't want to go to. And it goes back to who you know and the questions you ask, as well as bad or uninformed counselors. I not only would have been much happier on the tennis court, I most likely would have excelled at competition (I really liked winning) and been a successful player on the school team. Ultimately it could have possibly led to a college scholarship. I knew none of this information at the time.

I was always interested in theater and films, and after some positive success in grammar school and middle school productions, I thought I was bound to continue on that road. I didn't know it would be different in high school and not nearly as fun. If I could counsel my younger self I would say to do theater on my own and use school time to do athletics, and ceramics (because they had the pottery wheels) because those could lead to scholarships and were good for me to build strength and confidence. Whereas in drama I just ended up feeling insecure and ignored...

I did join swim team first year, and won a meet! Or is it heat? Anyway, that was cool. But it was such an isolated sport. You're alone in the water and can't really work as a team. I suppose you can't in tennis either, but although I was a strong swimmer, I was not only strong at tennis, I also knew a lot about strategy from watching and playing for so many years. Then I skipped a year of sport, probably to try more drama, I really didn't want to let that go. Even though the theater director had strong favorites and wasn't going to cast me in anything, I enjoyed the rush of trying improv and being incorporated into the sketch variety shows. I always liked comedy and joking and trying to make my friends and family laugh. 

Junior year, after a lot of tragedy and trauma in my home life, I thought I would join soccer with a few of my friends and just have fun. I liked taking out my aggression on the field, running and tackling to get the ball away from the other side. I never was that skilled or fast, even though I was on a first place team when I was in fourth grade, that success wasn't really my doing, but I was super proud to be a part of it. I did end up getting a letter for playing sports, but it felt like a consolation prize. I just wish I had played tennis from day one, and stuck with it all the way through. You know, I might have felt weird or awkward joining tennis when I only had a wooden racket and the other kids had expensive graphite or aluminum ones. That makes sense because I was embarrassed sometimes at being poor. It was tough being the poorest people in the wealthiest county. 

But you know what? I would take my old self to the thrift store and find us a modern racquet for cheap. Or, you know what else? I would say, fuck any haters, they'll probably accept me anyway, I'm good with my Martina Navratilova wooden racquet with leather wrapped handle. This is my sword, my weapon, my Excalibur. And I dare any of them to be as good as I am with it. To be as good as they are with their $150.00 Wilson's. The ones with the head so big, you can't ever miss. With a giant sweet spot for beginner babbies. I bet I would have kicked ass at high school tennis.

Not too strangely, I didn't even consider playing softball. I played for three years on rec. leagues inspired by my dad's passion for baseball but became disenchanted by two things. I wasn't, as a female person, allowed to play baseball, only softball, and the pitches were so fast and intentionally bad sometimes, that I never got on base. I really loved practices. I liked scrimmage, and playing first and third base. I wanted to try being a pitcher and a catcher, but the coaches' kids always got those positions oddly enough (haha). So it stopped being fun for a lot of reasons, and even though I still loved playing catch, and whacking a sweet pitch, I wasn't going to set myself up just to be disappointed. Then again...it probably would have been better than drama!! At least I could have had the camaraderie of the team and support (maybe) of the coaches. And who knows, it might have been better than my earlier experiences. But, those balls. I really hated those big fat balls.

If I knew then...

More thoughts on things

Like what I did

VS what I should have done

And did I really have any choice anyway? Our parents sometimes take our likes and dislikes into account, and sometimes just push us toward things they approve of, and we do them.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a plumber. I loved trying to fix the sink and the water heater. If someone had helped me sign up onto an apprenticeship I could have kicked ass. Later, in high school, I would bring my clippers to school, and in a rarely used bathroom would buzz the sides or back of boys and girls heads to order. My mom thought this meant I wanted to be a hairdresser (also probably encouraged by the part time job I had cleaning up at a small salon, but that was really a fluke) and took me down to the beauty school (cosmetology college) to see about signing up. I was immediately intimidated by all the people and turned off by the overpowering chemical smells.

Now then, if I knew then what I know now, I would have started the program while still in school and been a licensed beautician before I was 18. I would have done the barbering program so I didn't have to worry about messing about with chemicals, or waxing. I could have essentially then decided if I wanted to carry on and go to an even higher more sophisticated level of hair styling with further education in the field, or worked to earn college money if I still wanted to go to art school. Easy fucking peasy. This was not explained to me, either because no one knew it was what I needed to hear, or else we just didn't know the right people with the right information. As is often the case in Life.

I never really lost that interest in plumbing though, and when my mom died, when I was 36, I was feeling very lost. I had been working in the floral department at Zupan's grocery store, kind of an upscale place, and was told I could only take a few days off for mourning. I needed much more than that so I had to quit. I think now that I could have bargained for a leave of absence, but I didn't think of that at the time. And again, no one suggested it. I didn't know the right people, or I wasn't asking the right questions. I was directionless and grieving but looking for ideas, for hope. I heard about a free program for women called OTI (Oregon Tradeswomen Inc.), a pre-apprenticeship training to prepare you for joining a trade apprentice work training program. They actually commented when I applied that they had several former art students come in and that it worked out well for them. I have some critiques from my experience, but overall it was great. I was very successful and graduated with my certificate.

The problem was, I wanted to work in plumbing, and while we had trips to roofing, carpentry and concrete laying apprentice facilities, we never got to talk with any plumbers. So I didn't get an overview of what that would be like, or the experience of trying it for a day. The electrician hopefuls were the most fortunate, and there were quite a few of them. We had at least two former graduates who were successful electrical apprentices come and talk to us about the building projects they were involved in. It was very inspiring. The office wanted to help us to secure jobs as soon as we graduated and I had an interview with the city for a landscaping assistant position. It paid well to start, and I was pretty psyched about it, despite my plumber's dream. I don't know why I didn't go try and be an apprentice there right away. I think I was scared to do something great but a little risky, and scared to speak up and tell the OTI program what I really wanted and wouldn't settle for anything else. The landscaping hired me pending a physical, which I didn't pass due to a (years later diagnosed as benign) heart murmur. And it was pretty far from where I lived. And my van was not doing so well.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have followed through with the specialist diagnosis they said I needed (I didn't have health insurance then and was utterly clueless about how to get it and confused about where to go for a heart inspection anyway—again, it's who you know and what you ask...), packed up and moved closer to the job so I could bike there, and worked with my hands while I saved some money and grieved for my mother. Alternately, I would have pushed more to get into a plumbing apprenticeship. Either of those would have been preferable to what I ended up doing which was working at Rite Aid for five years. I'm not saying nothing good came from that job, but it was never what I was supposed to be doing. It was like Season 2 of The Walking Dead, mostly 'filler'.
So although I didn't achieve the desired result, OTI was a mostly positive experience. I missed my graduation ceremony though because I was delivering newspapers for a job during that time, and had to go do that. If I could go back in time, I would have tried to get a sub, or else just quit so I could attend the graduation that I had honestly worked very diligently to achieve.

That's something I really still need to work on, is organizing and planning for things in advance so I'm not stuck with a decision I am ultimately unhappy about later. Speaking of later, Take care, all!

Don't Give Up

On your Goals

Baby Steps

I just had an epiphany 

Yesterday I was thinking about how much I've accomplished over the past three years. Very slowly, and with a lot of help, I have done some pretty decent things, that show I'm making progress. It's often difficult to give ourselves credit for learning and growing when we see other people doing things at a rapid pace and having so much success. So I just took some time to think about how I've gone from a college student to a Walmart cashier to working in a school classroom (with many stops in between), and to be grateful for all my blessings and how much I have experienced.

I feel like I've been teaching since I was small. I taught friends how to play piano and do other things I knew. I've been told many times at different jobs where I've trained people that I really should be a teacher, and I agreed, but I didn't know how to do that. I just thought if it was meant to happen, it would. I didn't understand or had forgotten, that you need to be proactive when it comes to your own life. I was also very flattered! I have always admired teachers and I felt very complimented that I was explaining something well and doing a good job of instructing others. But I slowly became more unhappy with my life and began to try and figure out how to do something involving teaching.

I started volunteering again. I'd been at my happiest when I was volunteering at the library as a homework helper but had to stop when I was hired as Subway manager. I always regretted that I made that choice for money over happiness, and essentially dismissed my goal I had set for myself. Getting out of your own way is something I've heard a lot, and it makes sense. It's also important to set short and long term goals to work on all the time. Baby steps. Charlamagne tha God said in an interview that we all have plenty of time to do our reality and to follow our dream. You just have to make the choices right. Which is pretty much the most difficult part of the equation. 

So I started out by volunteering with SMART, then with the book room and the art program. Actually I started out by stopping drinking. I had been traumatized and depressed and got into a long term regular drinking habit that was not helping contribute to my goals in any way. Then I applied for school district jobs which led to becoming a sub for a different district. That was cool because I got to work in different schools and different types of classrooms. It was sporadic and irregular, but good experience. Then I worked for a different independent for profit arts program, and I enjoyed some parts of it, but it really wasn't as they say, a good fit. But again, a good experience overall I think.

Then I got to do my next favorite thing, volunteering again with the littles at an after school program and leading the outdoor games class. I also got to work with the art and science and reading classes assisting. The kids were really happy to see me, and that felt good every day. The manager there was great and he was kind and easygoing as well as incredibly organized; an excellent role model. 

After a 2 month sub job at a grammar school cafeteria (they call it nutrition services) I thought I could perhaps be content working in that kind of job, doing dishes and serving food, but I realized when I saw the teachers on the other side helping kids, that I really wanted to be on that side of the counter. I had had too little responsibility for too long and was ready to do some more challenging work. My thinking was that I could do a job like that, that was relatively easy and didn't require too much brain power, listen to podcasts while doing dishes, and work harder on my art and writing in the off time. But I'm not resourceful or responsible enough yet that I can exert the self-discipline required to accomplish self-guided work. I'm still working on that goal.

You don't get those positive teacher student interactions with kids working in the kitchen, and I realized that I still wanted that. So I applied for a bunch of jobs again with the school district, had a couple of interviews, and first got hired as a kitchen temp. I figured that would be a foot in the door. Here's where I become a little confused. Was that me compromising on my dream? Or was I being flexible and going with the flow?

The next day though, I got hired as the instructional assistant at the high school and couldn't turn that down. It was a step in the right direction. I have worked in various kitchens off and on since I was 15 and it was time for a change! I am grateful to that first interviewer though, she helped me relax and remember to be confident and calm during an interview. I'm sure I would have done fine at that job; but it would have not been a step up the dream ladder toward my goal; so what was the point?

It wasn't a linear journey, going from admiring teachers to becoming one. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have for sure gone to library college, teaching school, and sign language school. Those degrees are far more valuable. I feel like my high school and college counselors seriously let me down over and over. I needed some strong direction and I never got it. 

So despite many frustrations and struggles, I want to give myself credit for making the effort, for reaching this level at least! And shout outs to God, and Steven, and Uncle Wolf, for bottomless support along the way. Thank you.

Back in Time Pt.2

More Complaining

and Explaining

onandonandon 

And here we go...  Because of those hours and that obligation of bus person, not only was I constantly sleep deprived (even though I got used to it) but I also stopped exercising, because I couldn't ride my bike to school, missed many opportunities to become more involved through the different afterschool programs, and most importantly, missed out on all the meetings  the principle held at those times. I also found out later that there was a 'happy hour' meet up on Fridays and I always missed out on that. I didn't even think of going after I got done with the bus because I was just so tired, but I didn't know about it at the time anyway. 

I rarely got to read my school emails, and just barely got signed up in time to participate in the school secret santa. But I didn't get to attend the meet and greet reveal. I gave great gifts, and received pretty crappy ones, and I think there's a lesson in there somewhere... I felt like I was always rushing around to catch up with the class, and because Jewel, the student, was not able to participate in certain activities, I was not invited on the field trips (they should have rotated that too), or to any off campus event, or to anything in the auditorium, like the plays they'd preview for the students. We were really isolated left alone in a windowless classroom. 

This all changed dramatically when I was transferred to Mrs. Capra's class after Spring Break. It was not easier at all, as far as actual work, it was more demanding. But the atmosphere was lighter, we took turns working with all the kids, not the same one every day, they actually gave us our two fifteen minute breaks we were supposed to have, the communication was more clear and open, and best of all, I got to participate in the field trips. They weren't easy either, but it is so nice to get away from the class and change the scenery. Field trips are important. I like them.

The meeting with the VP explaining what my teacher had said about me made me feel disabled and dysfunctional. I felt like I wasn't given the right information and tools to do my job, and then was chastised for it. But it did motivate me to try and form a relationship with another teacher whom I had previously thought disliked me. She helped me do some basic stuff that I think the boss could have easily prepared and passed on in the very beginning. We set up a schedule and a check list so that Jewel could have a clearly written guide to what was expected of her in order to earn rewards and be as confident as possible that she was doing what was necessary to achieve some success in school. I was also keeping very detailed notes in binders recording what preceded meltdowns and what activities were challenging, and what was successful. I came back from a long weekend and Sullivan had erased my whiteboard of daily tasks and information for the student. I was floored. What was that all about? He said he didn't want the board to become 'stained'. Huh. The other class had a schedule on their board all year long. The class ended up being moved to a different school anyway. He Never used that whiteboard, only the main room one. It was bullsh*t. Just another example of passive aggressive behavior. Oh, also? He saw me reading a book about clutter clearing and stated, Oh, that book is much too difficult for you. What? And he gave me a different one he said he liked. I was like, Thanks for the gift?? Boy, I really have a lot of built up bitter memories. I need more posts to expel these 'daemons'. Good night and God Bless. 

Back in Time

I Don't Want to Overanalyze

the Past

as I have known myself to do

in the past, but I think it would be helpful and therapeutic to go over it a little bit and spend some time thinking about decisions I made and things I chose to say or not say and I can use that thinking to do better this year. Basically, I want to bitch a lot and clear the space in my head for new and positive things and memories I have yet to create.

It's difficult to come into a job already feeling undertrained and then not receive the training you had expected. My boss was also a strong personality type who was hypocritical, micromanaging and extremely passive aggressive. He had a large ego, and was not good at delegating. He wanted things done his way, but didn't communicate what that was. He didn't explain to the subs what they were to do, and so I had to. Glad to help, but it was his job. And worst of all, he didn't have a sense of humor. Which is vital in that job, I think. I'm saying all those things and thinking well, that sounds a bit harsh, doesn't it, but I think it's good to call it out and this is my safe place to do that. 

Disclaimer: if I ever use names of people, they are not their real names, because although this is true about me, I don't want to compromise their anonymity in any case. 

The teacher Mr. Sullivan seemed really glad I said I was interested in learning and wanted to do everything I could to do a good job. He gave me a fat printout from a comprehensive class on autism that I could read. I did, and took a lot of notes, but what I really needed was to sit down and discuss what I was reading with someone like him, and he didn't care to make time for that. 

Then I got called into a meeting with the assistant VP and apparently I had been "asking too many questions" and not "using my time wisely". I was so surprised. Not only had the teacher not felt comfortable discussing this with me, he had judged me without giving me a chance to explain how I felt. I felt like I was not wanted in that class. How annoying to really want to fit in somewhere, and to feel marginalized. How frustrating to be in an educational environment where the students and learning should come first, and have personality conflict detract and derail from that. 

I did not feel supported and encouraged, most of the time. Sometimes I did. It was not 100% awful, or I would not have stayed. Well, after that meeting I did try to apply for a different position, but the interview was during school hours. I don't know why a school HR would do that. Anyway. It was just not my visionary ideal of what working in a school full time would be like. After volunteering for over two years in the art classes, library, and reading programs of different elementary schools, I had pretty different expectations I guess.

I was also confused about the roles of the peer mentors in the class. They were doing the same job we instructional aides were doing, but for school credit. This wasn't shared with me, I just had to figure it out. So not only was I supposed to help our class, but help these helpers as well. I just wish I had been informed of so much in advance. 

One of the things that I think messed up my cohesive immersion into the school and class experience was being instantly assigned as a bus aide. I try to not lie and be an honest person; I think there should be a special punishment for people who call in sick to work claiming they have 'food poisoning';  but I wish sometimes that I had said my car had broken down (as it currently is, as a matter of fact!) or something and that I could not do it. It would have been different if I had lived really close to the student's house. But maybe first year new employees should not be required to do that. It would have been fine if Sullivan had done what every other class seemed to do, and had a rotation schedule. I think I am most of all pissed off by that. Unfair things that are forced upon you and you feel obligated as a new employee to do, just piss me off. They are clearly taking advantage of nice naive people in those situations.

I have a lot more bitching to do I believe, so I will continue later. Thank you and Goodnight.

Now I know!

So Now I Know

The consequence of not completing 

What I said I would do 

is the minor but annoying punishment of not allowing myself to use Twitter...

I agreed (in my head) to the rule of not using social media until I had written at least 500 words. I did not do that, so I didn't get to log on to Twitter. And I really wanted to. I watched two movies at home and I really wanted to tweet about them. I had some screenshots all ready to share, and I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do that. So I guess I proved to myself that it is a rather strong motivation to write.

I did watch a music video on YouTube that I wanted to share, so I shared it as a blog post and that was okay and different, but it didn't count as words.

Back to School

I finally checked my emails from school and Gmail, and sorted out as much as I could. There were hundreds of things because it's been weeks. I also went to the school I'll be working at in Fall and said hello and looked around a bit. They said there will be a meet and greet later in August. It looks like a great school, not as new as the one I was at before, more lived in and old school, pardon the pun.

Oh, the Cars

One of our cars has been overheating and Meineke couldn't tell us why so we went to a radiator specific place and they said head gasket! Yikes! The other is even older and although it passed DEQ two years ago, it failed two weeks in a row this month. Then it just died on the way home, and I was frightened, so we dropped it off at Meineke. Because although they aren't the best, they are nearby and familiar to me. Fortunately, I am able to ride my bike to school. But car problems are never fun. I suppose any problem isn't fun unless it's a challenge that you can personally figure out and solve; it usually just ends up costing lots of money.

Attitude of Gratitude

I want to try and be more grateful for the blessings and positives that I have in my life. I know that you get out of life what you put into it, and I think I need to do more work toward that goal. Oh wait a sec. UPS is here! The ukulele hath arrived!! Yippee Yi Ay Aloha Ay!

Okay, I am immediately so very grateful that this has finally come. Thank you God, Thank you Steve, and Thank you Amazon. Also, Thank you UPS, Thank you Donner ukuleles and Thank you to the people in China who worked to assemble this musical instrument. I am very excited to try to tune it and learn some songs! I think that I will have a lot more success with it than with guitar. God Bless!

The Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love?

Dynamic Discord

Distinct Disconnect

Disturbing distraction

Deleterious dissemination 

One of the most prominent things that became clear to me throughout the school year and then even more at Summer school was the serious disconnect of communication about the kids between the teachers at different schools and the families with the teachers. It was an endless on and off frustration because you are trying hard to determine how the student learns best and how to communicate with them (especially if they are non-verbal) most effectively (verbal, written, pictures, gestures); and no one can just tell you. But I found out they can. They just don't share the information. It was weeks before the last school sent over the box with all the student's folders, and while there were some helpful written notes, what would have been great is if there had been a conversation with the last teachers. And the parents too. 

All this could be written down, but should be very clear and explanatory, in one place (folder, notebook, etc.) and always precede the student's arrival in the classroom. There was so much the lead teacher had no clue about and spent so much time trying to figure out when (I found out later) it could have been easily explained by information that the last school and the family had through experience they already had. We spent so long wondering: maybe it's because of this or maybe this...and while it was a learning experience for us, it was detrimental to the student who was even more frustrated with us not already knowing.

They hire lead teachers who have a lot of schooling and are relatively experienced, but tend to be pretty young, and then several support staff who act in the role of teacher, but are titled instructional assistants, and could have undergrad degrees, like me, or not, but are deemed qualified by personality, character and past work experience. I definitely believe that there is not enough (none really) training for these positions. I assumed (incorrectly) that my classroom teacher would spend a lot of time working with me to help me learn on the job how to best work with the special needs students. I thought (also incorrectly) that we would have weekly, if not daily, meetings to discuss how things were going and cover questions and talk about what to address as far as lesson plans and behavior modification ideas.

I want to be a great teacher, and I expected to learn a lot working in a school full time. So to say I was disenchanted and disappointed would be an understatement. When I was finally transferred to a different classroom after Spring break, I was so much more impressed with the communication level between the teacher and the support staff, I was wondering why it was so much better. But looking over my notes from the year, I just determined that my first teacher was a very strong passive aggressive personality and the other teacher was not. That can make a big difference in how you get along with people and especially how you choose to communicate with them.

But the students in the classroom suffer when the information needed to work with them more successfully is not shared between staff, teachers, schools, and families. And that's the biggest disappointment.

I Messed Up...

Whoops!

I messed up.

#500Words a day for a week BEFORE you use 'social media' was the goal.

I did this successfully for three or four days, and then today I was watching YouTube videos (stand up comedy and Nardwuar interviews) and just needed to share some of them, so I clicked the share on Twitter button, forgetting that it is not only social media but my preferred number one 'go to' social media platform that I have been writing in order to earn every day. I have been writing in order to earn going on Twitter. To read posts and share photos and random things I observe and am thinking about. It may not sound important or interesting, and it really isn't, but it's what I like to do. It's like my thing, so for me, it is a reward. 

Because I am going to give myself a break, and because there really isn't any punishment or negative consequence of merit if I actually do social media before writing, I am going to be cool and kind to myself and just carry on and not worry about it. Because I wasn't intentionally breaking the rules, I was just acting on impulse, as I do quite often (with both negative and positive results). So this will be okay. But I do wonder. What is the consequence of not doing what you said you would? What is the result of not keeping a promise you made to yourself? I guess nothing. I guess, you just miss out on what you would have accomplished or learned. So that's just on me. And it is sad. 

I mean, when I was a kid I had piano lessons every week. And I was supposed to practice certain things every day so that I could then be up to speed with what I was learning and be ready to learn the next part. But I didn't always practice. I would play all the time, and I got really quite good at playing what I liked, the fun stuff that I already knew, but I *wouldn't always (*rarely) work on what I was supposed to. So the next lesson would often be me and my very patient teacher, Vera Valachova, simply working on the piece and doing during class what I should have been doing on my own. I think I just really needed one on one attention from her while I was playing. Like I would have been a great rich kid who had their music tutor there every day while they practiced. I say 'rich kid' because piano lessons aren't cheap, even back in 1980, and to take them every day, well...

I haven't thought about that experience for a long time so it's cool I remembered it. I remember always feeling totally ashamed when I walked down the hall of my teacher's apartment building (which was super nice, and for single people only, there were no children allowed to live there, and her apartment was all white, including the carpet and the grand piano, which was in total contrast to our house), with my music under my arm, approaching her door to knock, knowing I would have to lie, and try to fake it (I often did this rather than admit my total incompetence), or sheepishly admit my despicable failure at fulfilling her simple request to practice my fuc*ing C# minor scales.

Okay my peeps, my luvs, my dears. I've had a few beers and I've tripped down memory lane here.

Take Care, and love one another. Peace out.

History Mystery

So Little Sleep

In honor of all the sleep deprived people going to work and walking around and doing their best, and myself getting only a few hours of sleep last night, I want to talk about how your sleep schedule is determined by your work hours. Technically, we, as humans, should rise with the sun and sleep when we're tired. This is rarely possible when you have any kind of work schedule outside your home. I read about a place that incorporates naps into the workday. Like kindergarten. Sounds great!

The earliest I can remember having to wake up for a job was when I was working in the cafeteria at Emanuel hospital as a temp, hoping to become a regular employee (they paid well above minimum wage, as it was a union job). I had to wake up at 3:30 am, I think? To get ready and be there by 4:15. I was training to be a sub so it was part of a two-week rotation for all the different kitchen positions, and that was the one where you had to cook all the bacon, so it was the earliest arrival time. This was the most difficult to get up for and I was only saved by the fairly robotic functions of the position, and the pretty early quit time. But it was really impossible to make myself get to bed in time to make sure I got a reasonable amount of rest the night before. I'll tell some more stories from there later...

                                                       Very Similar to the Hospital Cafeteria

The next earliest wake up I can remember was at Walmart, just a couple years ago, when they wanted me to try and train in the baking department. Even though everything you were baking was frozen, there was a lot to make, and the start time was 5:15 am. The gal I trained with was amazing. She knew sign language and was in alcohol recovery, and had a great sense of humor. She had terrible back problems and crappy health insurance though and was making barely any money especially considering how hard she worked. Supposedly Walmart will raise its minimum wage starting pay to $10 an hour soon, but you still cannot live on that. I wished I could continue to work with her, but when given the choice, cashiering was better because of the hours. I rode my bike there as often as I could, which took almost an hour, but mostly bike paths, and I didn't want to do that so early. 

So when I started at          

the high school last year and the hours were supposedly 7:15 until 2:45 I was okay with it. It was doable. It was reasonable. It was expected to work school hours at a school! I'm not a 'morning person' but I am not grumpy or anything, I just prefer to stay up late and wake up late. I have worked swing shift hours in retail, late nights in restaurant/bars, and other sporadic part time hours at different jobs. At the senior apartments, I worked in their fine dining restaurant (full table set up and tie and dress shirt) and I had to do split shift every day because they didn't have many customers for lunch. So I went there from 7-11 and 4-8. Sometimes not even both. The manager was terrible at scheduling and the shifts could be erratic. A few times I got to work the 'day shift' for the regular gal who took a vacation. Her mom also worked there as a housekeeper. The day shift was 7-2, breakfast and lunch service, doing laundry (tablecloths, napkins, and aprons), sometimes room service, and other cleaning and prep work like vacuuming and napkin folding.

 I liked it, you were on your own a lot and it was pretty peaceful but there was no way I was getting her job, she loved it too. It was pretty easy. The only thing lacking was tips. The money was sh*t and tips would have helped a lot. Everything was prepaid so there was no money to deal with, which was an aspect I liked a lot after being fired from OMSI 'science store' (ie gift shop!) for letting a deposit bag out of my sight for two minutes. Nothing happened to it, but they weren't happy about it, or me in general, so that job was way more stressful than it should have been, and after that experience I just wanted something that was a little fun with little to no money handling. I will for sure tell more stories later from both these jobs. They would have been great if I could have recorded them at the time, but I'm sure I'll remember some things, just not some of the sparkling conversation gems...maybe it will come back to me if I write about it in greater detail...

                                                 It's absolutely tried, tested and proven that sleep 

                                                         deprivation is BAD for your health & stresses u out.

The problem with 7:15-2:45

was that it turned out to be 6:15 to 3:30. Sometimes longer. Because they needed me to be a bus aide. Supposedly no one else could do it since I ended up doing it every day until Spring Break when I transferred classrooms. I was actually prepared for something like this because it was mentioned in my interview, however, they gave me the impression it would be an occasional job and not a regular thing. I think they knew how it was supposed to be and my class was the one who fucked up with that. So I had to wake up at five to drive to the person's house, ride the school bus with them, and ride home with them, then drive myself home. Talk about a pain in the butt. For so many reasons. Like you don't get paid for the driving time. And just all the sitting. I missed riding my bike and also gained a lot of weight. I'll rant about this later. And then I discovered (when one of the other bus aides who got on the bus about halfway to school told me) when I finally asked why they had different people all the time, that their class rotated people to be bus aides so that the same person didn't have to do it every day! They switched about every two or three weeks. So logical. So nice! 

I'm way over word count now, I'll hit this up later holmes, TBC; LOVE & Peace Out!

Day 3 of #500Words

Uninspired but Writing Anyway

Why do you need to feel inspired to write in a (stupid) blog anyway?

You obviously don't,

because I didn't write for 11 months, even though I had a ton of stuff to write about, and was finally inspired to continue because I got inspired to bribe myself. No social media distractions (or reward as I call it) until I do my thing. It's a lot like the kids at school. There is usually something that they want (to watch videos on i-pad, etc.) and don't want to work for, but are reluctantly willing to do so in order to earn it. Today I didn't exactly cheat, but I didn't want to write right away so I watched some TV comedies and wrote some 'jokes' (what I call the supposedly funny things I think of) in my 'journal' (my spiral bound calendar datebook that I only use to take notes and make lists, not put down appointments or such sh*t ... I use an old school paper wall calendar for that:)).

And then when I really can't procrastinate any longer, I finally begin, and I'm like, okay, what was I supposed to write about today anyway? I am not even sure, so I will go back to basics and write about the subject at the creamy (or is it crunchy?) center.

Work work work...

                                                            Alright, aalright, alrighhhht!

So this year is a little bit different than last year (when I was assigned to a school but not told where so I had to figure that out on my own). And I didn't have district email yet so I didn't even know about the day for staff to meet and greet, etc. so I totally missed it. No big deal, but it would have been useful to have been there. Now I am already hired by the school district, and I know what school I will be working at and where it is in advance. However, I do not know any of the same people because they dissolved the programs at the school I was at all year and transferred all the Sped employees to different places (fortunately, I met someone at Summer school who will be at the same place in the fall so I got to talk to her!) So it's like I'm starting all over again. But I guess I have a ton more experience going in, I just need to discover how to utilize it, and take advantage of knowing more now than I did then. 

It was a confusing time dealing with packing up the classrooms and not knowing who was going where but I was already up for a change, just to experience a different environment, so I wasn't too upset to move. I did build a lot of friendly and positive relationships at the old school though, and I am a little concerned about being somewhere new and starting that all over again. But there's a learning curve with everything!
Working in education was one of my career goals but I don't know if I want to remain a Sped instructional assistant. I don't know if I want to continue working with older kids. I don't know if I want to try to become qualified to be a teaching sub ( making more money) or if I want to get the extra education required to be a Montessori teacher or something else. I don't know if I want to try and learn enough sign language to work with deaf kids, or enough Spanish to work with bilingual kids. I really loved working with the bilingual kids at the Summer program I did at the elementary school last Summer. They helped me learn more Spanish too, which I have now forgotten from disuse. I don't know if I want to stay in this school district or even this city. I just don't know! 

Time to PRAY!

In times of trouble and confusion, in times of uncertainty and pain, in times of low confidence and indecision, it is always a very good idea to pray. So. I will do the best I can, but I will ask God for help, and that's all I shall do for now. God bless you and stay safe, we can all do better to help each other, so in the words of the great Barack Obama: Be Useful, Be Kind.
 Peace!

Blogger Dodger

I don't know about you but...

I'm just trying to do what I said I would...

Which is to write 500 words a day before I'm 'allowed' on social media...

Birthdays Are for Losers (Just kidding.)

So it's almost my birthday. My fantastically generous Steve has already bought me my desired gifts of a GoPro camera to use while bicycling and a modestly priced beginner's ukulele. I have not opened the camera yet, but am really excited about it, and the ukulele is on its way via Amazon. I feel awkward about getting such nice presents because two years ago he bought me a recurve bow so I could do archery, and I think I've used it about ten times altogether, so I feel like I'm not exactly worthy of gifts I don't use a lot. On the other hand, I also asked if we could get an ice cream maker we saw in Costco a couple months ago, and upon agreement that I would get rid of some other appliances to make room for it (both the slow cookers), we now have three different homemade frozen desserts in the freezer. I have used it A LOT so far. It's fun and challenging (I've already fucked up a few batches by making small errors...), and I am planning to make an actual ice cream cake for my birthday.

I digress (again?? yes, again...so sorry) into life's minutiae. The original purpose, if I recall correctly, and I hope I should because I'm the one who wrote it, of this 'project' was threefold. One, to improve my typing skills. Two, to practice writing. And three, to record my job search efforts. I also had planned on delving into stories and anecdotes about the fifty jobs I've had in my life. I may be exaggerating, but not by much. I had my first part time job when I was fourteen, cleaning up in a local hair salon. I think it could be very interesting (mostly for me I guess) to go back through each job I have had and talk about why I loved or hated it and any successes or fuck ups.

I have the feeling that if I were to do that, in between writing about my current position, that it would probably be a sort of therapy and might help me with the rest of my life. Nothing wrong with that... It's always a good idea to look at your life and be introspective with a little personal analysis of the 'why'.

Back to the Point of the Story

The first day of Summer school was without students, and I expected to meet all the other staff and teachers and find out what my specific role would be and how the class would be run differently from regular school year classes. In most special ed the students stay with one class, rather like grade school, and do individual work based on their abilities, often with a one on one instructional assistant (that's my job title). They are assigned to their classroom based on intellectual ability and age, but mostly behavioral history, like how severe their meltdowns can be and the level of violence toward themselves or others is. I could be wrong about that, but it seems true from my observations. 

I also expected to not know any of the kids in the class, but it turned out that two of them had been in one of my classes from before. So the first day I thought we would get some ground rules for the daily operation (we did) and then meet our individual class staff and probably do some kum-bay-ah stuff, like the name game to get to know each other, and perhaps some trust falls or a team scavenger hunt to build rapport (we did not). The first day was hearing gossip, moving desks around and papering over all the shelves and anything off limits, as we were borrowing another teacher's regular classroom. I think I may share some specifics later, but next time I plan on continuing to go back in time and explain what I have been doing for work for the last year...Cheers! Take care of yourselves.

500 Word "Ketchup"

Wow. It's been almost a year

since I entered this domain. I have been tweeting, writing some letters and texts, but despite thinking about blogging almost everyday, have not ventured back. I am ashamed to say how deleterious it has been for me, yet I have still avoided it. The catharsis and joy of accomplishment I got from writing posts was apparently not enough to encourage me to continue to do so, despite personal promises.

But now I'm back! I received some encouragement and motivation from a rather unlikely, and unexpected place: an erotica podcast. called "Kiss Me Quick's Erotica: Sexy Stories with Rose Caraway  (http://www.thekissmequicks.com/) where she preludes a story with a hint for returning to 'Daily Writing'. She said before you get on social media, write at least 500 words. In your journal, or blog, or notebook; wherever you write and however you write: fiction or personal, etc.

She then takes a screenshot of her word count and shares on Instagram as sort of an accountability insurance; for some reason this was what I needed to hear to finally inspire me to continue my saga here, and I'm grateful to her. I think I'll let her know. Here is the post that inspired her to begin writing again, and share her success with the concept: #500 Word Project

Instead of going back a year to play catch up, I think I will work backwards from now... so I don't get 'blogged down' with digressions and excess rambling. And before I start adding personal anecdotes and interesting asides, I'm going to try and stick to the subject matter, which is work. Though I have to say, I feel as if I've already written 500 words, and it's only 263, so, apparently this is not quite as easy as I maybe figured it would be...

I worked Summer School!

They call it ESY or Extended School Year for some reason; I never got a clear answer as to why. It was only 4 weeks, for 4 days a week for 4 hours a day, but I rode my bike (trying to get back into that after hurting my back last Fall) everyday (until the last week when it was over 100 degrees here) which was about 45 minutes each way, so the day felt longer to me. It was all ages of SPED (Special education) and quite fun and interesting to see and work around the littler kids after having been in the high school all year. Special needs students range vastly with a wide variety of behavioral and physical problems that mean they need extra attention and support in and out of the classroom. It includes kids with varying diagnosis of autism, neurological disorders including seizures, and mild to severe physical disabilities. Some of them are barely able to read and write, while others simply don't have the ability to sit down and concentrate long enough to do so. But they all have their own positive accomplishments and just need as much help as possible to learn what they can. The genuine smiles you receive from a special ed. student when things are going well is a great reward for an often difficult and challenging job.

I am honestly proud to say I am a little over my #500 so I am going to keep it basic and stop!

Sincerely, The apathetic job seeker