Back in Time

I Don't Want to Overanalyze

the Past

as I have known myself to do

in the past, but I think it would be helpful and therapeutic to go over it a little bit and spend some time thinking about decisions I made and things I chose to say or not say and I can use that thinking to do better this year. Basically, I want to bitch a lot and clear the space in my head for new and positive things and memories I have yet to create.

It's difficult to come into a job already feeling undertrained and then not receive the training you had expected. My boss was also a strong personality type who was hypocritical, micromanaging and extremely passive aggressive. He had a large ego, and was not good at delegating. He wanted things done his way, but didn't communicate what that was. He didn't explain to the subs what they were to do, and so I had to. Glad to help, but it was his job. And worst of all, he didn't have a sense of humor. Which is vital in that job, I think. I'm saying all those things and thinking well, that sounds a bit harsh, doesn't it, but I think it's good to call it out and this is my safe place to do that. 

Disclaimer: if I ever use names of people, they are not their real names, because although this is true about me, I don't want to compromise their anonymity in any case. 

The teacher Mr. Sullivan seemed really glad I said I was interested in learning and wanted to do everything I could to do a good job. He gave me a fat printout from a comprehensive class on autism that I could read. I did, and took a lot of notes, but what I really needed was to sit down and discuss what I was reading with someone like him, and he didn't care to make time for that. 

Then I got called into a meeting with the assistant VP and apparently I had been "asking too many questions" and not "using my time wisely". I was so surprised. Not only had the teacher not felt comfortable discussing this with me, he had judged me without giving me a chance to explain how I felt. I felt like I was not wanted in that class. How annoying to really want to fit in somewhere, and to feel marginalized. How frustrating to be in an educational environment where the students and learning should come first, and have personality conflict detract and derail from that. 

I did not feel supported and encouraged, most of the time. Sometimes I did. It was not 100% awful, or I would not have stayed. Well, after that meeting I did try to apply for a different position, but the interview was during school hours. I don't know why a school HR would do that. Anyway. It was just not my visionary ideal of what working in a school full time would be like. After volunteering for over two years in the art classes, library, and reading programs of different elementary schools, I had pretty different expectations I guess.

I was also confused about the roles of the peer mentors in the class. They were doing the same job we instructional aides were doing, but for school credit. This wasn't shared with me, I just had to figure it out. So not only was I supposed to help our class, but help these helpers as well. I just wish I had been informed of so much in advance. 

One of the things that I think messed up my cohesive immersion into the school and class experience was being instantly assigned as a bus aide. I try to not lie and be an honest person; I think there should be a special punishment for people who call in sick to work claiming they have 'food poisoning';  but I wish sometimes that I had said my car had broken down (as it currently is, as a matter of fact!) or something and that I could not do it. It would have been different if I had lived really close to the student's house. But maybe first year new employees should not be required to do that. It would have been fine if Sullivan had done what every other class seemed to do, and had a rotation schedule. I think I am most of all pissed off by that. Unfair things that are forced upon you and you feel obligated as a new employee to do, just piss me off. They are clearly taking advantage of nice naive people in those situations.

I have a lot more bitching to do I believe, so I will continue later. Thank you and Goodnight.