Don't Give Up

On your Goals

Baby Steps

I just had an epiphany 

Yesterday I was thinking about how much I've accomplished over the past three years. Very slowly, and with a lot of help, I have done some pretty decent things, that show I'm making progress. It's often difficult to give ourselves credit for learning and growing when we see other people doing things at a rapid pace and having so much success. So I just took some time to think about how I've gone from a college student to a Walmart cashier to working in a school classroom (with many stops in between), and to be grateful for all my blessings and how much I have experienced.

I feel like I've been teaching since I was small. I taught friends how to play piano and do other things I knew. I've been told many times at different jobs where I've trained people that I really should be a teacher, and I agreed, but I didn't know how to do that. I just thought if it was meant to happen, it would. I didn't understand or had forgotten, that you need to be proactive when it comes to your own life. I was also very flattered! I have always admired teachers and I felt very complimented that I was explaining something well and doing a good job of instructing others. But I slowly became more unhappy with my life and began to try and figure out how to do something involving teaching.

I started volunteering again. I'd been at my happiest when I was volunteering at the library as a homework helper but had to stop when I was hired as Subway manager. I always regretted that I made that choice for money over happiness, and essentially dismissed my goal I had set for myself. Getting out of your own way is something I've heard a lot, and it makes sense. It's also important to set short and long term goals to work on all the time. Baby steps. Charlamagne tha God said in an interview that we all have plenty of time to do our reality and to follow our dream. You just have to make the choices right. Which is pretty much the most difficult part of the equation. 

So I started out by volunteering with SMART, then with the book room and the art program. Actually I started out by stopping drinking. I had been traumatized and depressed and got into a long term regular drinking habit that was not helping contribute to my goals in any way. Then I applied for school district jobs which led to becoming a sub for a different district. That was cool because I got to work in different schools and different types of classrooms. It was sporadic and irregular, but good experience. Then I worked for a different independent for profit arts program, and I enjoyed some parts of it, but it really wasn't as they say, a good fit. But again, a good experience overall I think.

Then I got to do my next favorite thing, volunteering again with the littles at an after school program and leading the outdoor games class. I also got to work with the art and science and reading classes assisting. The kids were really happy to see me, and that felt good every day. The manager there was great and he was kind and easygoing as well as incredibly organized; an excellent role model. 

After a 2 month sub job at a grammar school cafeteria (they call it nutrition services) I thought I could perhaps be content working in that kind of job, doing dishes and serving food, but I realized when I saw the teachers on the other side helping kids, that I really wanted to be on that side of the counter. I had had too little responsibility for too long and was ready to do some more challenging work. My thinking was that I could do a job like that, that was relatively easy and didn't require too much brain power, listen to podcasts while doing dishes, and work harder on my art and writing in the off time. But I'm not resourceful or responsible enough yet that I can exert the self-discipline required to accomplish self-guided work. I'm still working on that goal.

You don't get those positive teacher student interactions with kids working in the kitchen, and I realized that I still wanted that. So I applied for a bunch of jobs again with the school district, had a couple of interviews, and first got hired as a kitchen temp. I figured that would be a foot in the door. Here's where I become a little confused. Was that me compromising on my dream? Or was I being flexible and going with the flow?

The next day though, I got hired as the instructional assistant at the high school and couldn't turn that down. It was a step in the right direction. I have worked in various kitchens off and on since I was 15 and it was time for a change! I am grateful to that first interviewer though, she helped me relax and remember to be confident and calm during an interview. I'm sure I would have done fine at that job; but it would have not been a step up the dream ladder toward my goal; so what was the point?

It wasn't a linear journey, going from admiring teachers to becoming one. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have for sure gone to library college, teaching school, and sign language school. Those degrees are far more valuable. I feel like my high school and college counselors seriously let me down over and over. I needed some strong direction and I never got it. 

So despite many frustrations and struggles, I want to give myself credit for making the effort, for reaching this level at least! And shout outs to God, and Steven, and Uncle Wolf, for bottomless support along the way. Thank you.