Sometimes I just want to cry. To sob. About all the sadness and pain I have had that has not been addressed or satisfied or acknowledged. Sometimes I want to hit something hard, to feel something strong that I know I can attack and that can't attack back; (Though as I told a girl at school, when you punch a wall, it will hurt you but not hurt the wall...) so I guess I'm just imagining that either my hands are magically un-hurtable, or that I'm wearing boxing gloves.
Maybe I used to use alcohol to help me feel and let out all the powerful emotions I was afraid to show...because where can you scream and yell and sob and sound like an animal? (There should be a place where you can drink {OR NOT} and do that as long as you want. Just a soundproof pod. Then you can nap. Instead of doing that in a shower or in a closet, as I have done. You need a safe protected place. And if there can be bottled water and snacks left for you that would be even better.)
On a sports field? In a sealed room? In a ... what...competition? I think that was a factor in my super dysfunctional relationship. I always said you should be able to learn from and grow with your partner, but that wasn't the case. I used to say he thrived on conflict, but I must have got some positive something (vibes? endorphins?) from yelling back and forth. I don't think I enjoyed the arguing or the put-downs or non-sensical logic, but maybe the primal aggression.
This is the kind of thing I wish a therapist could help me unravel and analyze, because I definitely wouldn't have thought that I would have stepped into and stayed in that sort of situation willingly. Fuckers.
But I really do need an outlet for myself. Something challenging and awesome. I think Krav Maga and becoming a self-defense instructor for the women's program via the Portland Police Bureau would be great.
I must have 'achieved' some immunity to harsh words during that time. Because some kids in the high school say some really mean things to me and I'm like "meh" (though K definitely made me cry last year), and it never feels good to hear "you're wrong, go away, etc." But my mom had to hear that from me, didn't she? But, I'm able to mostly ignore it. Mostly. The teacher made me cry before though. Fuck. Anyway. I still get a really good vibe from the students in our class and other classes who return high fives and fist bumps, smiles, and hellos! So I need to remind myself to focus on the positive. Which is something I would tell the kids anyway, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment