I AM A N.I.N.J.A. !

                                                        

Homemade Citrus Crepes

         I shouldn't really say that with pleasurable exclamation, but according to an episode of Arrested Development I watched today I am a N.I.N.J.A. : No Income, No Job, no Assets. And it's always nice to have an interesting acronym as a label. As opposed to simply: Unemployed Person. 

                 Being out of work isn't fun, at least it's not supposed to be, although it can be revelatory and introspective. I imagine. Well, hopefully some revelations and introspection will occur during this period in my life. In the movie What About Bob Richard Dreyfus's character Dr. Leo Marvin writes Bill Murray's character Bob Wiley a prescription to 'Take a Vacation from All Your Problems'. It's sound advice for someone who is plagued by excessive worry about mundane things such as survival on a daily basis. The thing is I haven't had a 'vacation' (defined by me as more than two consecutive days off) in five years. And for two of those years, I was working a second minimum wage job on my two days off to supplement my low income. 

             

                  So even as I'm wanting and needing to work if for no other reasons than missing being around people and missing a regular income, I'm enjoying the novel idea that right now I don't have to be anywhere at any specific time to be told what to do by someone else. I have a choice in what job I take next, and even the ability to think about what 'dream job' means to me and if possible to find it! I'm in charge of my own time, at least for a while, which makes me even more liable when I misuse it through my actions, or lack thereof.

                 After being denied unemployment insurance (not a total surprise) the other day I decided to try and find out if I could qualify for an increase in my food stamp benefits. For the past few years I've received between seventeen and forty-two dollars a month based on my income earned. To be honest, it feels pretty awkward to receive any kind of public assistance and that feeling never really disappears. It's like announcing to the Powers that Be: I'm not capable of taking care of myself; I can't survive on my own; and even...I'm a failure at this 'Life' thing.

               Despite the lingering feeling, I know it's okay to ask for help; and to be willing to accept it when it's offered and available to you shows strength rather than weakness. What helped my mindset the most though, was seeing how many people came through my cashier line using food stamps who didn't look like people who needed food stamps. I mean, nice clothes, hair dos, manicured nails, etc. And I figured, well, if they're doing it, why shouldn't I? 

                

               I guess since the last serious economic recession, things like government assistance have lost a lot of the stigma that used to be attached to them; and I didn't really know those people's situations. Maybe they just chose to spend whatever little disposable income they did have on things like personal appearance, whereas even if I wanted or needed a manicure I'd rather have a couple of bottles of wine. But if having nice nails is part of the requirement for my as yet unidentified  'Dream Job', then I would probably make that a priority.

              

               Or maybe some of those people lied on their S.N.A.P. (supplemental nutrition assistance program) applications and didn't report savings, income or assets they had so that they'd qualify for free food. I'm sure that must happen. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many legal sections on the form warning you what will become of you if you're not truthful (huge fines, possible imprisonment). Interestingly enough there were plenty of people who not only didn't use a food stamp card, but didn't even know what it was as evidenced by their asking: What's EBT? an optional prompt on the point of sale debit/charge card readers. I would answer: It stands for Electronic Benefits Transfer, and sometimes explain further that it was either for food stamps or other government funded income such as social security or disabled veteran's benefits.

            Someday I would like to be able to comfortably afford massages and other luxuries,  but making choices is part of budgeting, and that's what I need to remember now. So after an office visit and several phone calls I finally spoke with a very kind sounding woman who informed me that starting next month I would be granted two hundred dollars to use for food! I was extremely grateful and told her so as I thanked her. It's such a warm feeling to be helped and not have to beg for it! Never mind borrowing or stealing as the saying goes.

             

               Despite the immense relief that this news brought, I reminded myself to be aware of the fact that as soon as I got a job that number would shrink. However, it would give me some breathing room so that unlike in the past, when I felt almost painfully pressured to take the first job I was offered, I could take a little time to really go for what I wanted, and keep trying till I made it. I know that might sound overly hopeful and optimistic even, but there's a  weird feeling when something good happens to you, and it's the feeling that there are more good things to come. 

     

               My lesson today though, is not that good things happen if you go out looking for them, but that procrastination doesn't pay, because if I had called them earlier, at the same time I applied for unemployment, I would have had that much more money for groceries this month. But that sounds like complaining, and I'm not. I just want to be smarter about my actions and try to use my errors to do better in the future, which is happening now.

                                     

                        

                                Bob Wiley pleasantly sabotaging his doctor's big T.V. interview.

                   So I'd like to take more of Dr. Marvin's advice to Bob and try to set small reasonable goals for myself each day. And not put off till tomorrow what I could do today, which is usually my way. And be maybe just a little bit ambitious. Click here for a local humorist's take on 'ambition'.

Troubles are a Blessing that Force Me to Change

                   Looking for your dream job isn't easy, I'm definitely a repeat offender, recidivism I think it's called. I keep looking and looking, but not really trying too hard, if you know what I mean. I call myself Apathetic not because I don't want to work, or work very hard, and not because I don't care or don't want to try, but I don't want to repeat the same behaviour as in the past and accept any job doing one of the fifty plus soul sucking things I've done for money. And to be honest, I'm not extremely hopeful. I also still need to figure out what I should do and how to go about doing it. So this is the Beginning of another New Beginning, but this time I am going to do things differently. I am going to have Standards. (Said the Newly Unemployed Woman Recently Denied Unemployment).
              
                  Last time I got hired somewhere I ended up staying for five years. It paid little more than minimum, nothing like the mythical 'living wage' I have heard rumors about. I started there because it was easy and I needed that at the time, after experiencing a long serious depression period after a family death and a cataclysmic relationship ending, and being informed that because of a detected heart murmur I couldn't be approved to take a great job I was otherwise hired for. I ain't got time to be workin' no dead end job for five years again. SO it's time to change my attitude. And I hope that by documenting my job search here I will be one step closer to figuring this thing out. I hope that while I am job hunting I start finding out some things about myself and even ideally realize some kind of super movie style happy ending, or beginning as it were.

I have some skills, like home ice cream scooping.

               This whole confused mindset I can't remember ever not having started when I was a little kid and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, except that I was sure it would have to be totally Awesome for me to want to do it. And there would be money or some other equally useful compensation involved. I was a confirmed believer in Magic as well, which didn't really help my now fully grown up self, as the possibility of winning the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes was not wholly unrealistic to me. So having that as a 'backup plan' didn't exactly instill a sense of strong work ethic and fiscal responsibility. Regardless of level of pay in the variety of crappy jobs I've had, I have never been a big spender on extravagant things, and could have a very decent savings by now if not for two things which I am glad to say I am not alone in being plagued by: Credit Card Debt and Student Loans. If I could talk to my ten year old self, make that five years old, I would teach myself the importance of learning how to save...and why. Because it's just not that easy to find your dream job, and even more difficult when you owe tens of thousands of dollars to a government entity.

                After I quit my crappy and abusive job in the beginning I was elated and relieved to not have to subject myself to inescapable bullying any longer. I was and am grateful to my boyfriend for his pledge to pay for essentials while I am not earning. I decided to apply for unemployment not really expecting it because I did quit, even though I was indeed driven to it for my sanity and emotional survival. Today I opened the fat letter denying unemployment benefits and telling me how to dispute the decision if I chose to request a hearing. As much as I could use the money, I chose to not contest it and just move myself on to the next phase in my life. Which what I am doing now.

              Before I even got denied, there was a several week multi step process to even apply for unemployment. It was a requirement to register at WorkSource Oregon, a medium sized office at Portland Community College housing several internet use computers for job searches and shared classrooms for job hunting workshops. This turned out to be one of the positive things that came out of leaving the crap job as I immediately got to take a really cool class on utilizing social network sites for self promotion and job connecting. I also get access to their job database, which is a lot more specialized than a Craigslist search I think. I already found two pretty cool jobs to apply for
on there, but haven't yet got a decent resume to send them. I also can't quite wrap my head around working in these particular places.

              This is where I start to panic and worry that the cycle is starting over where I can't picture myself in another crap job so I become apathetic about it even though it could've been fun or interesting or slightly profitable, and then it's too late after all that imagining and worrying and the job isn't available. So lesson one shall be: feel the fear, worry. insecurity etc. and go ahead and do it anyway. Because it's good practice for my (as yet unnamed) Dream Job.