Tuesday, December 25, 2018

And so this is Christmas

Image result for ChristmasHappy Christmas! It's finally the long awaited Winter break from school and I am home with our bearded dragon, a few remaining geckos, two fish and me myself and I. I made myself be busy yesterday so I could stay home today *and clean the apartment. I might go see a movie though, I'm not sure yet. I really want to see the new Spiderman animated film. 

It's awesome to have a vacation from school, but I wish we could go up to the mountain where there's snow. I also really hope that the students have someone to continue their learning habits while school is out so that they don't forget everything. But that's out of our control. 
I am going to make some little face sculptures out of clay and try to motivate to do some drawing and painting too. So much I want to do, but I also want to get some rest and relaxation. Art is relaxing for me though, and also feels like I'm being productive, but I still need to be motivated to do it. Peace and Love.

Sunday, December 2, 2018

Hello World!

So, it's been so long that I have to almost start over, but that's not feasible so I will just start from now.


My current position at the same school but in a different classroom is a whole new ball of wax. I am working with a blind student who is also non verbal and has autism so I need to use some ASL and try to help her practice using a braille typewriter. It's very interesting for me, and the other teachers, but also frustrating because we don't know exactly how she learns or what we need to do to help her.

I also work with the other students who are all on different levels of intellectual ability, and most of all we have kids who are essentially incontinent because they were never able to be potty trained. So that level of independence doesn't exist and we need to do numerous diaper and pull-up changes throughout the day.

I don't go to outside classes elsewhere in the school building anymore, except for the gym or the cafeteria for PE and 'work experience'. So in a way I am more isolated; no more drama class or computer animation class, or ceramics. I tried to balance this by attending the art club meetings after school once a week because I am also friendly with the teacher, but I have been so emotionally and physically tired that I have only been to two of those.

Something different form last year is that we go on field trips in this class and even though I have some negative memories of school bus experiences from my first year, the outings have been very successful. We have gone to the movies and a pumpkin patch and a holiday tree festival. Our teacher is new to the school and really supportive and knowledgeable about her work. She's very caring and shows great concern for us and the students. I will end this return to writing on that positive note. Thank you and goodnight!

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Ground Rules

Decisions must be made. Ideas utilised. Plans detailed and enacted. Questions answered! Do I focus on writing about work at school everyday, or veer off course as I have done in the past and discuss whatever is on my mind at the time? I guess I will have to get back to this, because my break is over now!

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

It's a Nuwa Yeara

School began yesterday, of course I have mixed feelings, about work and life and writing. Since I didn't write all summer I am trying something new where I write while still at school, so I don't have home distractions. We will see how it works out! That's all for now, I need to get back into the flow. It took me five or more minutes just to get my password right and now I am told I have to make a new one in the next eight days. Pooh.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

I've been slacking

here for a couple of weeks. Lots of 'stuff' happened. We had Spring Break, and I did a lot of cleaning. We almost moved. Steve put down a deposit on an apartment that we thought was a little cheaper and a little nicer just across the street. But then we were told our building was sold, and the new owner said she didn't want us to move and she would keep the rent lower for us. Then a lot of back and forth happened, and in the end, we decided to stay here.

They had the boys cooking some pizza pockets mostly from scratch in the Life Skills class the other day, and I made brownies with one of the kids. It all worked out well, but I had my head in my hands when a kid was looking through the kitchen drawers for a brush and kept holding up other things like a big fork and a spatula, despite me describing what it should look like. It was very hard for me to not go over and get it for him, but I resisted so he could have the success of finding it for himself, which didn't happen, the other teacher ended up assisting him, but that's okay. A similar thing happened when they were looking for oven mitts/pot holders, despite the drawers and cupboards all being clearly labeled. I think parents should do that in their houses as they teach their children to read. I also think that parents should teach their children to read by reading with them every day. But that doesn't happen.

We went for a bike ride today and got to see a wild blue heron and some other little birdies when we took a shortcut through the woods.

I had a chiropractor appointment awhile back and she said after the assessment that she would do a plan for treatment, but then they called me and said they don't take the insurance I have from school. That was a bummer because I was really liking the doctor even though it's further away then I'd choose. I could still go there, but I would just have to pay for it. I am still thinking about it. I got some lotion from the cannabis shop (which is awesome that one can do that now) for my back and leg pain. I hope it helps. I really want to stop taking the pills they prescribed me from Kaiser (when they gave me the steroid back injection) that I have been taking for months, so I went to ask the doctor if I could stop and she said No, no, no, you must cut back slowly, and then if you find yourself in bad pain then you can go back up. I said Okay, I will do that. And I came home and broke all the pills in half and am trying to keep to the schedule she wrote for me. I already messed up though, but I will be okay.

So tomorrow we are going to return the keys to the apartment that we never used. The manager was going to keep all the money Steve gave him, but now he says he will return some of it. That's good. We have been negligent with our Garage Sale Warehouse store space and need to go do some organizing there and bring down more stuff to sell. I found myself feeling sad when we went there last time and I saw that all of the pretty little fine china teacups and saucers that we had put out were gone. I liked seeing them and having them there. I liked the idea that if they didn't sell I could have an excuse to keep them myself. It was weird. I also think about the big crock with the red wing and the 5 on it that Bob and Mary gave to me that I sold, and I feel a little nostalgic. I wish i kept it, but it was a good item to sell at the vintage store. I get way too attached to things. Way too attached... Peace.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Wow! Busy Week!

I will write some school/work updates. But first,  I want to share something personal. Because I consider myself an alcoholic, as in I used to drink to the point where it interfered with my life and my health and my relationships, I am hyper aware of when I choose to drink now, and how responsibly I do it. It's a Friday night, the beginning of Spring break, and I am choosing to have some beer and wine. I went to the liquor store for cigarettes and considered some vodka then declined it because I know that would just make me feel ill. And although I intend to get a 'little' drunk tonight, I do not wish to make myself intoxicated to the point of illness, as I have done in the past. Thankfully, I still have memories and am able to compare my intake and frequency and know that I am definitely not that same person anymore. That person who would go to the store after work and get a six pack of PBR and a bottle/box of wine and drink it all the same night. I was just thinking about all of this and wanted to write it down. I am grateful I am different, but also that I can enjoy some drinks once in a while now, and not feel like I need to do it on a daily basis. Peace.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

TGIT

I will be brief. I need to practice brevity. Tried to color my hair burgundy and made more of a mess than anything. This is Fine. Slideshow presentation day and neither of Gabe's team partners came to class. Fortunately, I had finished it the other day, so that he could get credit for his pages he worked on with me. I just added a few more stats and a couple graphs and charts for visuals. I need to spend some time sitting with him and teaching him how to use the software (mostly Google suite stuff) so he has more independence and competence for future classes.   Honestly, I need a lot more practice with it too, and there are both pluses and minuses in trying to teach something that you aren't competent in yourself.
Ceramics class was cool because I found out where the kick wheel splash guard was stored, trimmed the bottom of the dish student made and got to help a few kids with some tips for throwing pots, which I hesitantly shared, because of my inexperience, but I tried to sound confident anyway. I'm going to try and go after school soon to practice throwing again because I really, really want to leave this class with a few mugs and plates/bowls. I still intend to pay the materials fee but need to wait till payday. The best thing was picking up my finished pyramids. They look pretty cool. Glazing improves clay pieces the way matting and framing improves drawings.
In last class, I helped the teacher by cutting some railroad board for her other art class. Gotta remember to pick up/pay for the hoodie that Emilia told me via email was ready. I didn't even know if it was a size they had available, so that's a cool surprise. PEACE.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Wensdee

I spent four hours after school in the ceramics room glazing my strawberry and donuts and making Cameron a new box copying the one someone else did that he admired and said he wanted one like it. I'm going to have him glaze it when it's ready; so that he can at least do half the work. If I put the glaze colors into little labeled cups then he might do it. It's understandably difficult to do the glazing because unlike paint, the colors look very matte and dull and almost nothing like the colors that they will become after firing. I also spent time reorganizing the glaze bottles that were out of order, but they were much better since I fixed them the forst time and affixed signs indicating where to put the big and little bottles.
There were some participants for the school student walkout today to protest gun violence in the U.S., but not as many as I was expecting. We weren't allowed to join them, but I took two students out to walk on the track and the group had gathered there to speak, so we got to see them anyway.
After school, I got to go book 'shopping' in the library where they have several cartloads of giveaways in preparation of an inventory overhaul. I got about a hundred pounds of books, mostly for myself and Steven, but a few for the classroom and a few for the art room. Oh yeah, I also had fun organizing the books in the ceramics room. I really want to borrow some, he has some great books.

So, they were mostly reference books, and I was going to get this big Gray's Anatomy book, but then I saw a familiar blue binding of the Merck's Medical desk manual, and I remembered growing up my mom had one in the house that she used sometimes. It was from 2006 which wasn't that long ago, and it is significantly smaller than the Gray's, so I got that instead. There were also some amazing books on physics, and I got several while thinking of the passing of esteemed astro-super-physicist yesterday Stephen Hawking. And a nutrition book or two, one about herbal medicines, which I am excited to have to look at. When we move into our new apartment (fingers crossed), we are going to need a few additional bookcases.

Gabe was talking all through History class today, interrupting constantly and telling Lori to 'shut up' and 'stop looking at him' a lot. We have to figure out how to address this successfully because asking him to listen or be quiet wasn't working. His slideshow for a different class is due tomorrow and I helped a lot more than I probably should have, but he was doing it with a group and I don't want them to get a bad grade. What I need to do is create some flash cards for him because he is lacking comprehension and it's really important material. Not that flash cards will solve it all and create depth and understanding, but I think they will help him to be aware of the information, and help me know what he does and doesn't get.

I helped Boris with civil law again and learned a lot about discrimination in voter laws. It is some reprehensible bullshit! Then I was going to read with Lori and she reminded me that I had said we could take a walk for our reading time since we didn't have time the other day, so we walked and talked and listened to Bruno Mars...Peace!


Monday, March 12, 2018

Is it Tuesday Yet?

I guess I'm off to a good start this week because I feel like the week is almost over, but it's only Monday. Yesterday was daylight savings time....time. SO, we were all kind of discombobulated and tired at work. The first class, I read Thor with our kid who needs tons of remedial reading practice and helped another student make her safe driving/don't text and smoke, I mean text and drive poster, second class I helped my student work on designing a computer-generated helmet from a template with the teacher's video example, third class I helped a student with his eating disorder research project, then got a school burger and frosty fruit drink for lunch, came home to get a different student's birthday flowers I cut for her, and last class helped a student read his law assignment about unreliability of eyewitness testimony, and did half an hour of reading with my regular reading practice student. After school, I went to art club and there were only two kids there, and I just worked on my drawing example for the other art class as the teacher and we all talked. There was a kid from the yearbook there and he took my and the teacher's photo and statements about working with kids for the yearbook, along with some student work photos, so that was pretty cool. Then he referred to us as 'girls' and I was like, woah there Nelson, don't call women that, they will most likely give you a beat down and kick your ass. No, I didn't say all that, I said it was disrespectful or something and that it was better he hear it from me than someone who would get really upset about it. I could've explained in greater detail, but I didn't know that he needed a lecture on the nature of feminism and patronizing linguistics because he had apologized right away and thanked us for letting him know, rather than saying why? Who knows. I reacted instinctively in calling him out, because it so rubbed me the wrong way, and that's good that I spoke up. He was just a teenager though, and I would like to know if I would have reacted the same if he were a grown ass man. I certainly hope so!! But he would not be so easily excused or forgiven, and it would seem an adult would 'know better'!

OMG, I was doing laundry and transplanting plants from the little mini garden, when the phone rings interrupting a Crabfeast podcast with Kumail Nanjiani, and it says "Mexico". Who do I know there? It was Adrienne! Quelle Surprise! So we talked for a while and got cut off, and she called back and we talked more, then got cut off again, and she texted saying she was out of minutes. She is doing very well, living very simply and seems happy about it! I wish I could have her address, but she says there is no address because she is illegal and only rents a room. I hope that she is safe. She invited me to visit which was very kind of her.

Laundry all done, and Steve kindly (and generously) took me to Plaid and bought me a special drink and candy to take to school as semi-bribes/rewards for two kids I promised them to. Something something, watching new American Idol now, and last night, we saw the second season premiere of the indomitable Timeless, which was supposedly canceled but had a huge backlash from fans responding with online petitions (which I definitely remember signing too!). The police came to our apartments looking for someone upstairs and I was doing laundry and heard them knocking and that was about it...then later more knocking and loud voice of (neighbor?) calling her boyfriend's name. I wonder if our other neighbor called cops about them fighting or something, or if she called police because she was worried about her boyfriend...? Don't know. Hope they are okay. Peace.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Catching Up

I mostly successfully helped guide the kid I help in Animation class with creating a 'cartoon hand' because I had spent hours doing it at home and failing until I got somewhere halfway okay. I was following along with the teacher's tutorial and he was going so fast I had to slow it down to half speed, and even then I was pausing it after almost every step. I'm learning a lot in that class about how I learn. I learn new technical information slowly and with much repetition. There are so many options and commands at your disposal in the Maya Autodesk software program, it's overwhelming until you become familiar with some of them and what they can do. And then you find out there are like three different ways to do the same thing and that is overwhelming too. I think if I could do it for a couple hours every day then I would be getting it. Next (today/tomorrow) I am going to work on building a castle with a very helpful Youtube video I started the other day, and then I can show the student how to do it.
The parents of students come in for meetings with special staff and teachers sometimes but we, the teaching assistants, are never invited to meet them for some reason, which seems odd since we are the ones who are with the students one on one for hours every week.
I tried my van the other week and it were ded.  So I waited awhile because I didn't think we had AAA anymore, but it turns out we do, bc Steve had renewed it, Thank you, Steven! So I got it jumped by one of their really nice people and he said you should take it to Les Schwab  for a super charge to give it reliable power because when you jump it, it's just a 'get started' charge and stores up minimal power as you run it for awhile, but you think your alternator is charging the battery as you drive, but it's not (he told me). Or maybe it is, but never fully. I don't know, I thought I understood it at the time, but I should look it up. He also said it could have 'died' because of a combination of not driving it and really cold snow and ice weather. Anyway, I went to Les Schwab after school one day and worked on school computer stuff while I was waiting, and then they said you really should get a new battery, and I said I thought it wasn't that old, but really I don't remember, and I'm tired of it unexpectedly dying, so g' head! It was $150 so I was really glad I still had money from my last paycheck that I had brought with me. I helped them move the seat to take the battery out, and put the cover back on afterward.
Fred Meyer had some awesome warm Carhart socks on sale so I bought a bunch thinking I'd send some to Uncle, but decided to keep them all because I'm always 'running out' of socks, and also I keep and wear good socks for five years (or more) so it's worth it to buy good ones that won't fall apart. I probably didn't even get enough. I had a letter from Uncle that talked about him dying and I became so very sad that I wrote him and said don't die!! And he called me a week later and assuaged my fears somewhat, but I miss him so much. I wish we lived closer.
I've been helping a kid with law class and another with health class and I see they are trying to do the work but I question their comprehension so I'm thinking of making them some flashcards so they can study more conveniently. I didn't start to utilize flashcards myself until college and they were really helpful because you could carry them in your pocket like a phone (though I didn't have a phone in college) and use them whenever for refresher studying. Can I make them in Adobe Spark to use on a phone?
I haven't worked on my kids' book idea since November and I feel like I don't have time, but I'm just not making time. I went to school today (Saturday) because I forgot my computer last night and have to charge it and use it for the computer tutorials. Well, maybe I could have looked them up here, but then I'd need that on one monitor and Maya on the other instead of watching something else while I was working from the laptop. We had Friday night order pizza night yesterday and watched old Doctor Who episodes which was really dope! I went to Winco to get us some drinks and got a super pretty yellow tulip plant too. It has like five or six bulbs and flowers are almost blooming already.
The kid I am trying to help practice cursive at school is having trouble with the connecting letters concept, so I should maybe make some blown-up cursive sheets so he can see the idea nice and big.
I keep using this for lots of personal stuff, which is fun for me, but I wonder if I should only write about school and work stuff, since that was the original plan for this as a job blog. . . Peace.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

AGAIN with the Belated...

I haven't blogged for a really long time and now I feel like there's too much to catch up with. See, you there, self, that's why you need to do it every day even if it's only a sentence. This will not stand! Now I'm conflicted about whether I should go back to days ago, or just start with today. And how do I prioritize when many things have occurred since last time I wrote? Okay, whatever, I'm in danger of not finishing what I start again and I do hate myself a lot when I do that. It would be so much better if I could type faster and without looking at my hands. Stupid hands and eyes. Can't do the two simultaneously. And why is 'everything' one word, but every day is supposed to be two? Argh. Ugh.

Today I went to the ceramics room after school because there was supposedly ceramics club but nobody was there. The art teacher let me into her room and said she thought it would be fine though if I went in through the connecting door and worked on my stuff, so I tried to throw a pot on the kick wheel while watching a youtube video on how to do it, failed mostly, but it was fun, just frustrating, then painted my little pyramids I had made with glaze, started to paint one of my ceramic donuts then decided it was going to take too long, then organized all the bottles of glazes because the mess has been driving me nuts every time I saw them for weeks now. Wow, that was a pretty long run on sentence, but I'm not going to change it now. I also ate a real donut because they were going to throw them away when they're only two days old. Baked goods aren't really healthy, but they also don't go bad, right?

My reading student didn't feel like reading and I said that's fine, I can just read to you, so she followed along while I read How to Steal a Dog. It's a very good book. It was our school secretary's birthday last week but I didn't know that, and I had brought her a rose just to be nice the day before, and made a card for the principal's birthday the other day, which was also the same day everyone found out a beloved teacher whom I didn't know had passed away, but tonight I will make her a card too and it will just be late. It's okay to be late sometimes. Our teacher gave me a thank you card for giving her a bday gift the week before and that was really nice. This one kid in class has started asking me for help with criminal law and first of all, they have criminal law in high school? And second of all, it's really interesting, so I'm glad he lets me help him. I kind of think I just gave him a few of the answers, but he seems like he understands most of it and is working pretty hard, so that's important.

Another kid from health class, where they are doing a long mental health unit up until Spring break, is struggling with prioritizing and being organized so I'm having to work on that myself in order to facilitate helping him through the work. It's heavy on curriculum and participation, but not a lot of homework or studying is required, so you just have to be 'on top' of it and try not to fall behind.

Today in 'Life Skills' the group of (boys only) kids got to make simple pancakes from scratch and then eat them, which is the best way to end a class. I'm out. Peace. Hopefully I will be here again tomorrow...Friday, yay!! P.S. We saw the opening night of the school musical last night, and although it wasn't as overall good as years previous, there were lots of fun moments and some lovely singers.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Why Oh Why...?

Have I not written for so long? Self, I am sorry. I have been tweeting and studying and...doing artwork! But not journaling, not writing. I did read a book though. That was good. That felt very good. Last week at this time it was snowing. Two weeks ago at this time, a lone gunman (boy) was planning his trip the next day to a high school in Florida to murder and injure other youths. Peace.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Wait, What? Oh, yeah...

We had time off...Monday for President's Day, Tuesday early release because of impending weather, and Wednesday for bad weather. and today two-hour delay to start, so a short day, though it felt like a long day. I finally emailed someone at HR to ask about thee two mystery deductions on my paycheck that I noticed a couple months ago. They equal a few hundred dollars so I probably should find out what they are for. (edit: turns out they are for taxes.) I need to go back to doing exercise, I am feeling lethargic and emotionally low. To be a good teacher, or a good teaching assistant (my job), you need to have interesting material and to be able to present it in engaging and energetic ways. When a student is tired and the subject doesn't interest them it's the instructor's job to try and make it interesting, or people will tune out and fall asleep...which happens a lot in a couple of our classes, and with a couple of students in particular. I think we should at least play a board game if there's no lesson plan to do, instead of letting kids zone out into their phones, then they could have the experience of engaging with a group and practice some strategy, creative thinking, and counting/reading, etc.

In computer animation today we were supposed to finish our Greek building or castle, and follow along as the teacher built a basic tree form. I had to restart mine four times; I kept messing up but wasn't sure how to fix it or what I did. The teacher was going really slowly at first and then too fast to keep up with. I also am not sure if I know how to save my work properly, but I'm more concerned that the student I am there with saves his...It's awkward to try to listen to the teacher and then try to convey that to the student (saying it out loud and pointing to where he needs to put his curser/click or dbl.click, or click and hold) while the teacher is already moved on to the next part, and I just wanted to holler: slow down please! Back up please! Show that part again! Which he really should have done bc I walked around the class and very few people were at the point where he was...He says he was recording it for a tutorial that he would post, so hopefully, I can watch that and it will help. I mean, ideally I would know the material and then I could just teach it to the student, but I am learning it at the same time. I just need to put more effort into practicing, even if it's frustrating to work on by myself.

Because of the snow day, we missed clay class so I need to remember to bring my little pyramids in tomorrow so that they can be fired. I'm hoping to put some effort into glazing them and that they will be something I can be proud of instead of some of the things I made in my own ceramics class years ago that I didn't really work too hard on, despite enjoying working with clay and sculpting. The student in that class is pretty disassociated with the projects so far, so I made 90% of his first thing and it came out well I think. I am hoping that he will enjoy the glazing/painting process and will be willing to do that part by himself. I'm glad I get the opportunity to make things as well (the teacher said I could try the wheel too, which I am excited about, even though I remember it as being challenging and difficult (frustrating) experience in the past. We will see, we will see. Stay safe. Peace.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Revolt

I am glad to say that I read about news of students announcing an organized plan to walk out/boycott attending public schools all around the nation on certain days to protest the absurd accessibility of guns and automatic weapons in this country. It's an exciting revolution to bring the lawmakers who accept money from the NRA lobbyists and ease gun legislation to have accountability for their greedy political actions that have enabled gun violence and mass murder. I hope that I am able to participate and that all goes safely. I hope that laws are changed to protect innocent people. I hope for Peace.

In the meantime, I am going to figure out what politicians are the proper influential lawmakers to write to about changing these laws for our safety. I never did before because I thought it pointless, seeing how powerful the people who want to keep the guns easily attainable...Ideally, I wish we were more like the UK and Canada, where gun laws prevent the kinds of repeat local terrorism we have here. Mental illness diagnosis and care and social services are more prevalent and affordable (free) there too. That makes a world of difference when it comes to unstable people having access to guns.

Watching Thor:Ragnarok now. Peace.

A Few Days

Wednesday was Valentine's Day, today is Chinese Lunar New Year. Wednesday there was another devastating murder rampage (shooting) at a school in Florida, USA. Today information came out that the FBI knew about him but didn't take action to follow through on the tips they got because of various unknown reasons.


That makes talking about anything that happened lately that was cool or interesting or funny in my life or at school very gray and unnecessary right now.  Peace.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Update I guess

Saturday we met up with four of my former co-workers from the high school last year. We are all at different locations this year and it was great to catch up on what students we all still know and where they are, though I don't really feel like we talked about ourselves much and I can't say what anyone is up to now! One of the friends, Stella, asked Steve and I to attend a dance with her that evening and we actually went! We didn't dress up or anything but ended up having a really nice time. There were dance classes to learn a few steps and then people started dancing around the really big ballroom. Then later there was a fantastic performance by teenagers all dressed up in costumes and they performed the Charleston and Viennese Waltz. It was fabulous fun to watch, they were all so good. There was also tasty punch and lasagna and fun Valentine's cookies. So nice. Thank you, Steven, for taking us there!

Sunday was a homestay day and Steve ordered us a heart-shaped pizza, so sweet. We also finished watching all of Steven Universe. What a great show. Monday was busy at school with assignments and classes and after work, I attended a lecture at school about childhood trauma and psychology. Interesting and personally relevant too. Today was computer class and I am so glad to say that I was able to help the kid complete the project, and now we need to move on to the next one immediately. It's a lot of information to learn in only a few hours a week. Tomorrow is ceramics and art which would be fun except I am not sure how to instruct the students, they are very different learners so they all need to absorb the information in their own time and in different ways. I just want to see them all want to try...

Tomorrow I need to remember to go to a Black History lecture series at a different school. It's an author/teacher showing a film about the subject of Black youth and absent fathers and how they grow up and want to break the cycle. I am excited to go. PEACE

Friday, February 9, 2018

Friyay!

Blah blah blah school blah blah blah computers blah blah blah books blah blah blah pizza! Peace.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Brrrrr! It's cold in here!

It's been about fifty degrees Fahrenheit during the day but nighttime is chill chill chilly as soon as the sun sets. Brrrrrrrr!!!

School was fine, I'm trying to get that software for the animation class at home somehow because I really need to work on it outside of class and the past two days I've tried to go to the computer lab after school and haven't been able to get in to do it.

I had ceramics again and wish it was my class, not to teach but to be a student in. The person I am helping in there really doesn't want to do much, he's fickle and can be quite stubborn, so I made the piece for him and hopefully he will do the decorating. But it's frustrating because he is totally capable of doing it, he just doesn't want to make any effort. At least he seems to be enjoying playing around with bits of clay. I really should take my own class but I don't feel like doing it either, the expense and the travel...if the class was right there at the school I would do it in a heartbeat. I guess I'm lazy too! I really do need to take a life drawing class soon before I stagnate completely which would be so depressing.

I need to do my taxes even though the school loan place will garnish the whole refund like they did last year. Talk about depressing! I also need to get my vehicle checked out and clean it and get the tires rotated. And clean the house (apartment) and gather more stuff to sell at the place, etc. etc. etc.

I read about a new TV show I wanted to check out but forget what it was called...I only read about it early this morning online but now I can only vaguely remember that I even saw something that sounded interesting to me. Need some Gingko, amirite? Peace.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Toozdee??

Ack! I didn't write yesterday and I don't even feel like it today. It's the Winter Blues. I got 'em real bad. Like every year. It's reliable and predictable yet I still live in one of the grayest places where one can live. I know if we went skiing I would feel so much better about it and feel lucky even to live so near a skiable area. At least that's how I felt years ago when I went snowboarding a couple of times...

It might be different now. But maybe not! Worth a try, but I really need to feel positive that my car is totally reliable. Because I don't want to go through more breakdowns than necessary. None are necessary.

It's a new semester in school and I have new classes with students like Health and Computer Animation and Ceramics. It's going to take more effort and homework on my part to understand the computer class and I really want to which helps, but it's also going to be more challenging than acting class was to transfer the information to the student.

I watched some of the relevant tutorials today but it's going to take hands-on step-by-step practice to learn it and be able to explain it to someone else. I wish the class were smaller...it's very crowded and many of the other kids are much more advanced in the processes already.

Steven is at the gym, I'm really proud of him. Meanwhile, I just came home and made some cake and took a medium long nap. I hope everything will be okay. Just do your best and if you think you won't remember something then put a note or set an alarm on your phone. you'll be okay. Peace.

Friday, February 2, 2018

Fryday

I did not a lot today. I didn't go to school to paint, I just slept off the wine I had last night and diarrhea I had from drinking expired coffee drink. I watched a few episodes of my latest favorite show Burn Notice and there was one with the actor who plays Riggs on Lethal Weapon which was really cool, he's a good actor and pretty cute too.

About two my neighbor knocked on the door to borrow a phone because she locked herself out. I gave her my phone and sent her upstairs to Deb because I knew she had the manager's number.  I didn't open the door all the way because I didn't have pants on.

About five I decided to finish what I was doing yesterday and walked to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a light up magnifying mirror so I can get out my blackheads and apply makeup more easily. There was one I had enough money for but I looked around and found one I liked even more that had a really great daylight feature. So I just bought some chapstick and saved my 20% off coupon for tomorrow.

Then I walked to the Habitat for Humanity Restore again and got the little rug I saw there yesterday and a two dollar comfortable wooden stool and a glass lampshade for the lamp I brought to try it on.
I also almost got an old mini tape recorder but even though they put a new battery into it I wasn't sure if it worked or not...I also got some spray paint. Then Steven showed up (yay!) and I put the stuff in his car while he went along to the gym and I went to New Seasons for beer and burritos and also to the best burrito cart to get more burritos.

Now we're watching some more Steven Universe! Happy Black History Month! Peace.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

THANK GOD IT'S THURSDAY

Today Thursday is Friday. So that's good. Uhm, what else? The teacher said he liked the board decorations I put up and thanked me, so that was really nice to hear. A different teacher had a laser tag mini party so we got pizza which wasn't gross, and I didn't totally suck at the game despite not having played it before. So that was nice too. A student had asked me to print a picture for her but I didn't do it yet and she seemed so disappointed that I went home and did it at lunch and found her bus at the last minute by guessing so I got to give it to her before the weekend, so that was very nice. Finals week were fine. I'm just glad it's over. The schedule was as confusing for me as for the freshmen students who hadn't experienced it before.

Lots to do this weekend, but I hope I get most of my list done early so I can just clean the apartment and relax. I hope Steven is doing alright today too. He is my rock and I love him for his comfort and humor and support and motivation and generosity. Thanks Steven, for being you! Have a great weekend, and remember to thank the ones you love. Peace.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Last Day

It's the last day of January. Too cloudy to see the supermoon. Hurt my knee. Tomorrow starts Black History Month. Doing two loads of laundry. Watching Steven Universe with Steven! Peace.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Toozdee

Two more days, then a day off, but I asked if I could go in to work on the mural for a while. I also want to tear out some of the old ads from the recycle/discard magazines and put them on black foam core. Today I got to help kids with the history final and boy did most people have some trouble with cardinal directions, which I can totally relate to...I also got to watch some analysis videos of Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal which is really amazing and I'm sorry I haven't seen it sooner.

I went to the vintage mall place again to get one of the sweaters I saw there for Matt from SHINE because he was so helpful and supportive when I was volunteering and when I got hired full time. We had talked about these sweaters from Ireland at some point and I said if I ever see one at Goodwill I will pick it up for you, but that was like two years ago and I never did see one at Goodwill. But then there are like four of them at the vintage place. For only forty bones, so that's a very decent price! I also got a small rug and a pewter mug, a large Fiesta serving fork and a nifty Kodak photo size paper cutter. Also a hardcover copy of  Dr. Seuss's The Sleep Book. Because it's a great book, in perfect condition, and brings back memories of listening to the record at night as a kid and not being able to actually sleep because it just made me yawn repeatedly. They are all great items, but the photo thing is the best. It looked rusty and dull but I tested it on a piece of paper I had and it went slice! right through, so smooth.

Then later, after getting a can of coke at the motorcycle shop (who knew they had soda pop?) and smokes and Smartfood at Plaid, I see how big the moon is and remember that tomorrow is the 'super bad blue blood moon' or something similar, so I take a picture and remember the phone camera can't handle that much moon, so then I remember our super generous neighbor who gifted us so much stuff when she moved out allowed me to have her fantastic 35 mm camera. So I checked it out when I got home which I hadn't done before (taken it out of its camera bag) and it has a cool telephoto lens and filters and other accessories...and I'm just so super grateful because I have always been sad about having to return my evil ex's dad's camera when we split for good, because I used it for all my photography classes and projects and knew how to use it really well. It was a Canon though, so this is a welcome fresh beginning back into photography. I'm excited. I need to get fresh film and batteries for it tomorrow.

The kids all left two hours early because of  finals and I had to find something to do so I decorated one of the blank boards in class with the little yellow paper pyramids the kids made a couple months ago and got a free/discard book on Egypt from the library and cut out some pictures (also a lot of books for me...two by Gary Paulsen (!) and two by James Herriot (those ones! that my sister read when I was a kid, so I wanted to read them too). Of course it felt a little wrong to carve up a library book, or any book, but it was for a good purpose and it's an out of date book anyway soooo... Peace.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday we watched a bunch of shows like Steven Universe and Burn Notice and took some stuff down to the consignment shop. I had the *bright* idea of getting a styrofoam head and spraypainting it to make it look cool to display hats on. I never imagined that it would make the styrofoam dissolve. It virtually melted and yeah...not great.

School was good. I went to say hi to my coworker in her new class and she was so unhappy that it was oozing from her pores. I felt so bad for her, but not to the point of volunteering to take her place. Should I have? I think that I perhaps should, but I don't have a direct incentive to do so and it doesn't feel 'right' to change classrooms again like I did last year, which was not my choice directly but very much turned out to be a positive for me.

Maybe I am subconsciously thinking that it will be advantageous for her in some unforeseen ways after she gets over the annoyance and discombobulation of being uprooted from her comfort zone. But that's not something I can know or should have any right to decide. The truth is that I think I am doing well in this class, as in helping kids every day, but also I think a lot of people would be very capable of doing my job.

It's so weird to me that I got paid so little at Fright Made (and other minimum wage jobs) when I worked so hard and did exceptionally well at customer service. Now I think of the students as my customers (not literally) and try to go above and beyond for them whenever I can. The difficult thing with education is that they need to want to learn to make it happen.

I found the kids in the SMART program were more eager to learn than most of these kids, but then again, those were the kids who were doing extra reading voluntarily. When one is working with kids who have behavior issues and learning disabilities it's really important to be able to present lessons and material in different and interesting (fun if possible) ways, and I don't know how to do that necessarily.

 I keep thinking someone is going to do some interactive teaching workshops for the groups I work with on innovative instruction ideas during one of those days they say kids are released early for teacher/education professional collaboration, but it hasn't happened yet. Could I start that?

You know, I hope I am making a little difference in someone's life because there are times like today when I feel like I am just helping a couple kids to do the bare minimum of busywork and I was more helpful some days at the drugstore when I found someone the correct vitamin and a coupon to add to it. I'm sure I did some things right today.

 I know I did. I was just feeling frustrated that I haven't been working on my kids' book since November writing month and thinking that if I do this job forever that I never will write and illustrate it. But guess what? From what I have read, many authors also work as teachers and they write around their work hours and during the summer. What I really need to do this summer is that, instead of stressing about fussing around working at summer school ( I did it last year because I didn't get that I would get paychecks during the summer from the school year. I still don't totally get that. How does that work anyway? And why didn't they explain it to me in the HR meeting I went to after being hired?)
ANYWAY. Short term plan: sell more stuff at consignment place. Long-term plan: put more effort into your book and artwork because you don't want to be that person who had good ideas but never followed through on them. For inspiration, take a life drawing class or a watercolor class, or any art class because you aren't going to stay good, or get better if you don't. Love yourself, be kind to others and do your best. Make good choices. Peace.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Shut the Front Door Fer Cryin' Out Loud

Oh man oh man. Oh, woman oh cat oh dog oh raccoon squirrel. School, school, school. Congratulations, you made it to another Friday. I was talking to the hall patrol monitor at work and he told a story very well. It was about how even when you're down, there's still a sunny side. The story was rather odd, but that was the moral of it. Apparently, there were twin brothers who were known as troublemakers. One day they ambushed a kid and took him into an empty classroom to inflict some damage uninterrupted. After they left him there to wallow in pain he made it out to report the incident. He explained that because he was on the floor being kicked he couldn't accurately identify his attackers, but he could describe their shoes which he got a pretty good look at while he was on the floor being kicked by them. So since they had an idea who was responsible, a lineup was planned. They arranged for the two scoundrels to be in a room and arranged the window blinds just so. On the other side they had the brave young survivor walk by to look at the suspects after being assured he would not have to see them face-to-face. As soon as he saw their footwear his reaction was unmistakable. He showed fear and decisiveness that it was them and they were suspended for their misdeeds.

We just watched a kids' zombie movie and had excellent pizza hut pizza, chicken, soda and brownies. It's good to eat healthfully but it's really good (emotionally) to have a cheat day. Make good choices. Peace.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Respite and Refute

  I don't even know what I've been eating. I really stopped keeping track after that first week. The death of our student and the depressing season have been weighing on me. And then we got informed that one of us would need to be moved next door. Well, today it was my well respected and kind-hearted co-worker who got the news that she would be moving to the other classroom. I was sad for her but glad it was her, both because I think it would be she who could be most successful there and because I think it would significantly increase stress for me, much in the way that moving from the one class to the other last year decreased my stress overall. Granted it sucked that the teacher left after a week and we had to have a much less experienced substitute whom we were teaching more than he was the students (or us), yet he was making about ten more dollars per hour than we were... I hope it works out well overall. I think when we had our student with whom she worked often, I would see her appearing harried and hurried, but never time to talk and rarely to stop for breath. So this may be a welcome change to a more calm environment, after she gets accustomed to it. I know that she really likes to stay busy though, and she is so helpful that I think if the teacher gives her lots of good projects to prepare for the kids and to teach them that she will win them over quickly.
 Meanwhile, a bunch of other stuff happened when I went for a walk after school to ostensibly get coffee and milk. Like I found out you can purchase grease by the cup at the Appliance store. And that you can find a Black Lightning action figure for seven dollars at the Vintage mall.
 I went back from lunch extra early so I could watch part of Blade Runner in the theater with the movie class, but I happened to see three boys trying to cut class as it were, leaving campus, and I had to say something. At least they turned around which was good, but then they loitered and cut back so when I went inside and saw Lydia I reported them and also the info that they had been smoking. Which was true, but I honestly would not have snitched if they had heeded my decree. Tbh, I wasn't really surprised they didn't. I mean, they didn't know me or respect me, and I wasn't speaking to them in a very authoritative manner. But then I guess the school is dead serious about kids bringing vape pens on campus so they brought them in and then had me come up from class via telephone to tell the VP what I saw and where. I let her know I wasn't a reliable witness (based on experience) but that I saw such and such for sure. Then I had some weird ideas that the kids would know I lived over here and would want revenge so even though I think that's paranoid and they should expect any school employee/adult to report them if they are not following rules, I still should probably take that long needed krav maga class, or re-take the women's self-defense. You know, just for Peace of mind. 😃

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

More Dumb News

They announced that one of we five classroom student aides would be transferred next door to the other classroom. I actually wouldn't mind going for a different experience but I don't want to be there for the rest of the school year, which is what it is. I have built some familiar relationships with many of our students and they would probably do fine without me, but maybe not. It mostly sucks because they had to transfer the lowest seniority gal from next door where she was really happy and doing amazing. I knew her from Summer school and she was really cool and great with the autism students. The kids in our class all have different levels of ability and disability but next door is pretty much all severe autism kids. Who are an awesome and interesting population of students as I know from most of my experiences last year, but who need a lot of patience and adaptation in teaching, and I don't know if I have enough experience to be supportive and successful over there. She wanted us to talk about it for some reason and then we'll find out tomorrow who has to go starting Monday. It's like...I can see there would be a lot of positives. It would be easier in many ways. Not as fun or challenging academically, but in different ways. My coworker who has been helping over there said it is really loud a lot of the time with vocalizations. I think the next door teacher should talk to us and tell us what the details are and who she thinks would be best. But they said no, it is already decided by some number crunching higher ups trying to rearrange things after our student passed away and therefore does not need our assistance any longer, God Bless his soul. If I am moved to that room I am going to assign everyone pseudonyms and describe all the interesting characters I work with every day. I just hope that they are all peaceful and not prone to meltdowns or violent outbursts like last year because although I survived that it damaged me physically and emotionally and I am still recovering. They should not put first year/inexperienced newbies in those classrooms. I still hear the repetitive voices in my head, both sad and searching for answers when none are available. Peace.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Fitness Challenge and Mourning Day

Our wheelchair-bound non-verbal student passed away on Friday morning. It was unexpected despite his fragile state of health and very traumatic news for all of us who worked directly with him in classes and for bathroom changes. I was able to be sent home by the vice principal and that saved me from having to be extremely sad around the other students and crying in public. I am very grateful that I was allowed (invited) to go home after receiving the shocking news. It is extremely sad, and we miss them very much.

There's a fitness challenge at work and the 'winner' (biggest loser) gets the money pot that everyone contributed to. I have lost nine p. which I thought was great until I heard others talking about their (much higher) weight loss. There are a few weeks left though so I guess I shouldn't give up quite yet.

It was Steven's birthday celebration this weekend and we went to a movie and dinner and swimming. Blue Star Donuts gave him free coffee and donuts too which was amazing and cool. They were very delicious. If only they had no calories I would eat them every day...

Peace and Love and take care of each other. There was another heinous shooting at a school today and children died. Reprehensible bullshit that there are guns that kids can get their hands on so easily. Also, Ursula K. LeGuin passed away today. As did the actor/dancer who portrayed Tinky Winky (the purple one) on The Teletubbies. I am very tired. Gotta get up to get down!

Thursday, January 18, 2018

I had a dream...

I forgot that on Martin Luther King Jr. Day long weekend I also hear an amazing talk on the radio by his daughter, and it made me think of my dad in a way I had not in a long time. He was a fun dad and played with us all the time, which was great, but meant neither of our parents was strict as I needed.

I had a dream I was half sleeping in a car ride going along a coastal area near Washington. And I was in a store looking at picture frames for Steven's Pickle Rick photo I printed yesterday. School was a little chaotic yesterday but fine. It was nice out then pouring down rain and I didn't go out but did the dishes, some knitting, and some of the brain teaser cards we have had for years but I've not used. Listened to the My Favorite Murder podcast starting from the beginning (eps. 1 and 2) and decided I need to get some pepper spray and a sharp-eared keychain like the one Georgia recommends on the show. Peace.


Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Toozdee

I don't 'feel' like writing today. School went well mostly. I heard great interviews on the radio yesterday with John Lewis, congressman and a speaker at Martin Luther King Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech, and Dr. Melba Pattillo Beals , one of the Little Rock Nine. Stay Safe out there. Peace.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Not Sure

I knew I missed Friday, but I'm not sure how I missed Thursday too...I guess things went alright because I am more prone to want to write when something stressful or negative happens. There's a fitness challenge at work so I put in five bucks and got my picture taken and weighed in at 218.2 pounds. Whoever wins the most gets the pot of gold at the end. I would like it to be me, so I went out and did some rare jogging and hit some tennis balls against the wall. Steve was willing to play with me but the tennis court gates were locked, which I had never seen happen before.

I polished the engine of the car Steve is donating to All Classical radio station for a tax discount and put the things we are going to take to the 'store' to sell in the van for transport. We were going to go there today but instead went to see Jumanji and then to Sushi Hana. The movie previews were looking very fuzzy so we went and got new glasses and got back just in time for it to start, but then it was messing up in the beginning and thankfully was fixed because it was 3-D and that was really annoying. Either someone went and complained as I was about to do, or they figured it out some other way. So afterward I thought I should ask for a coupon for popcorn or something but the manager gave us two free tickets instead and that was very excellent of him. We used the gift card that Deb neighbor gave us for Xmas, so that was really groovy too.

The credits said that the movie was based on amazing illustrator Chris Van Allsburg's book, but I think it should've said that it was based on the original Jumanji movie, with Robin Williams.

Now I'm watching Mudbound by Dee Rees based on the true story of two different families, one white, one black, in the Southern U.S. in the thirties and forties; I'm hoping Steve is watching it too, but he's on his phone playing or watching video games.

I made cupcakes and decorated them with green leaves and red roses and gifted them to our new neighbors (tried to gift them to other new neighbors but they didn't answer the door, so the next day I brought them to the other family who I knew were home.)

Anyway, our president is a racist asshole and people are trying to figure out how long he will last.
It's a three day weekend to honor Martin Luther King Jr. and for that I am very grateful. My back still hurts and I need to keep doing yoga and stretching and getting massages, which I have been very lax on. I really wanted to punch something when Steven wouldn't communicate clearly with me about a couple things I wanted to talk about, but it might also be that I am cranky because I exercised so much and have not had many cigarettes today and also did not sleep in this morning as much as I would have liked.

I miss the great young adult/kids' books I used to find out about and read because of the bookroom volunteer job I used to do. Peace.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

What's Up Wednesday?

I got to see part of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai today and it was so good. I need to see it again all the way through. It's called a masterpiece for a reason!
It was a good day, I made myself do some stretches in the morning which I haven't done for a long time and I got some positive feedback on the part of the mural that I got to paint the other day. My super nice nurse coworker brought me a loaf of great bread which I had for lunch and after school in a grilled cheese sandwich. I need to get her a coffee to thank her!
A student I work with was super extra stubborn when I asked him to try to work on an assignment but after doing some other related things like watch some video clips of the tech conference, he gave me some partial answers. Then he wrote both that he loved me and that I was a b****, but he spelled it quite creatively. Then he wrote every swear word he could think of and he wasn't doing it angrily but just to express himself and maybe get a reaction from me. I just corrected his spelling with a smile.
The teacher had me do an assignment where I got to do some drawing as an example for the class and it just reminded me I need to sketch more.
There was a very, very disturbing news story about sexual abuse in disabled person living facilities and I just simply do not understand why any male workers would be allowed to work around female people with disabilities in an unsupervised environment. I just watched a Law & Order SVU episode with some similar subject matter and it reminded me of how we need to take better care of our fragile and helpless citizens.
Yesterday I was going to do some chores but I just slept and watched a lot of new shows and Steve brought home delicious Happy Panda food which we ate while watching NCIS. And Bull. And Lethal Weapon. And Black-ish, and L.A. to Vegas. So many shows. Anyway, I made up for it tonight by only laying down for a short nap then turning on all the lights and doing a lot of cleaning and organizing to get ready for the landlord inspection that's supposed to be Friday. They do more inspections then I have ever had in any apartment I have lived in. It's very invasive and annoying, but it made me decide to clean for a minute, so that's an upside. Peace and Goodnight to all.



Monday, January 8, 2018

Hey Hey Monday!

School was fun, school was hard, I got to paint on the art mural for a couple hours. Peace!

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Sunday

Friday did go as well as Thursday overall and Saturday we went to the honors band concert that was really impressive, then went out for Subway and Starbucks and got crickets for the geckos then came home and watched some episodes of AfroSamurai which is really good.

Last night I dreamed that we had a sort of pet tiger, but it may have been a jaguar or cheetah, and it had three little cubs when we let her outside. They were very small, but then when I picked them up to hold they became bigger like the small cub in the Lion King. I wish I could see that live musical one day. Maybe it's on TV. That's all for now. Peace! P.S. I will write a list of Resolutions for 2018 sometime soon...

Thursday, January 4, 2018

First Day

The first day back went great in my opinion. I told myself to be confident and friendly, and just be myself. I tried to stay back and not be pushy or annoying; like when I saw a couple of different female students they gave me a hug but when I was going to hug the gal I read with she was like ugh, so I backed off immediately. I greeted almost everyone I saw with a Good Morning and a Happy New Year! I tried to be aware of my surroundings and avail myself to help those who needed it without hovering. I got to have an actual casual conversation with our teacher for, I think, the first time. She seemed more chill after the vacation. I think we all were. And most of the kids were a little tired. I got to read with the student who I am working with a couple times a week which I really enjoy, but I think we should start to mix in some nonfiction so she can learn about a topic too. That's what we did in the SMART reading program, alternating fiction books with Nat Geo books about dinosaurs, snakes, birds, bears, sharks (very popular), oceans and NASA/astronomy. They were books we could read in the thirty minute time though, and she and I have been mostly reading chapters in longer books like Wonder, and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland in the 20 minutes we have... I hope tomorrow goes well, as well. I have to share later what I read in an art book today because it was seriously disturbing... Also, I thought today was Monday off and on all day (it's Thursday). Also, I did keep my promise and went through and deleted almost all the emails yesterday, even though I put it off until last. Also, I worked on Deb (neighbor's) painting some more. Drawing, rather. Well, in the drawing stages anyway. I want to eat more soup. And salad. They are both delicious and usually nutritious. I think I am beginning to ramble, so I say Kon bon wa and

平和
Heiwa

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Last Day

So, let's see...today I spent in my pajamas and binge-watched Doctor Doctor (Australian show), answered the door to the evangelists and said I was sleeping and God Bless you and take care, gotta go!... finally drew a little on Deb's brother's picture I was supposed to do over a year ago. Now I have to check the e-mails. I hope it doesn't take forever, but since I've been putting it off for so long it probably will. Back to school tomorrow! I may be assigned to a different class, they announced on the last day of school that one of we aides would need to move next door to Ms. Lane's class which is more like the one I was in at the other high school because they don't want to hire a new person for it.
Updates tomorrow! I've been remembering my dreams more and thinking about writing them down, but I don't know. Christmas ham (from Honeybaked) is 75% eaten now. It's very good. Peace! :)

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Penultimate Day Off

I did laundry ALL DAY. Well, I didn't even get up til after 11, so all day means about five hours plus some. There's only one washer and dryer so I did several consecutive loads, keeping the dryer going the whole time by adding quarters and taking stuff out as it was dry (the dryer is pretty good so things never take a whole hour on high setting). I listened to many episodes of My Favorite Murder podcast and a few old episodes of The Talking Dead podcast. I both am and am not looking forward to returning to work. I'm probably not alone in feeling that way. Steven had to go back today and he survived, so that's good! I just wanted to write that little bit to get back into the habit of writing again. Happy New Year. Peace!

Monday, January 1, 2018

More...(phone note introspective)

Sometimes I just want to cry. To sob. About all the sadness and pain I have had that has not been addressed or satisfied or acknowledged. Sometimes I want to hit something hard, to feel something strong that I know I can attack and that can't attack back; (Though as I told a girl at school, when you punch a wall, it will hurt you but not hurt the wall...) so I guess I'm just imagining that either my hands are magically un-hurtable, or that I'm wearing boxing gloves.

Maybe I used to use alcohol to help me feel and let out all the powerful emotions I was afraid to show...because where can you scream and yell and sob and sound like an animal? (There should be a place where you can drink {OR NOT} and do that as long as you want. Just a soundproof pod. Then you can nap. Instead of doing that in a shower or in a closet, as I have done. You need a safe protected place. And if there can be bottled water and snacks left for you that would be even better.)

On a sports field? In a sealed room? In a ... what...competition? I think that was a factor in my super dysfunctional relationship. I always said you should be able to learn from and grow with your partner, but that wasn't the case. I used to say he thrived on conflict, but I must have got some positive something (vibes? endorphins?) from yelling back and forth. I don't think I enjoyed the arguing or the put-downs or non-sensical logic, but maybe the primal aggression.

This is the kind of thing I wish a therapist could help me unravel and analyze, because I definitely wouldn't have thought that I would have stepped into and stayed in that sort of situation willingly. Fuckers.

But I really do need an outlet for myself. Something challenging and awesome. I think Krav Maga and becoming a self-defense instructor for the women's program via the Portland Police Bureau would be great.

I must have 'achieved' some immunity to harsh words during that time. Because some kids in the high school say some really mean things to me and I'm like "meh" (though K definitely made me cry last year), and it never feels good to hear "you're wrong, go away, etc." But my mom had to hear that from me, didn't she? But, I'm able to mostly ignore it. Mostly. The teacher made me cry before though. Fuck. Anyway. I still get a really good vibe from the students in our class and other classes who return high fives and fist bumps, smiles, and hellos! So I need to remind myself to focus on the positive. Which is something I would tell the kids anyway, right?


More... (phone note thoughts)

"Remember how the CAF (working for several months in the school cafeterias) was fun but almost constant work (and not allowed to sit down of course). What I am doing now is still hard work, but it is more brain work and is less repetitive. It's still not as educational (for me) as I think I would like it to be...but a job doesn't mean you get to be a student anymore. Though as I say I want to learn something about being a better teacher, I know it is not as easy as it is in my imagination. I think I could change that by reading more on my own. And going to therapy. And writing more, drawing more (taking life drawing)."

"Journal" (Class Question)

What is your biggest mistake in life so far? What do you wish you had done differently? Okay, so I have half a journal filled with answers to this question, but here's what I wrote on December 7th as my first response to it. "One of my biggest mistakes in life so far was not focusing 100% on college instead of focusing so much on my boyfriend. I wish I didn't spend all my savings on going to Jamaica when I could have used it for a scooter or a new bicycle. A mistake that I regret is not cleaning my room and organizing and cleaning out the garage when I had opportunity to do so. Also, I didn't fight hard enough to repeat my junior year of high school, which was a depressive-sad-black-hole time that I awakened from eventually. I don't know how I could have done it, but I needed to get people on my side to fight for me... Another regret I have is not getting help or seeking therapy after my dad died. I thought we were too poor and I didn't know how to access information about services.

Random Non-Fiction

One of my favorite things to do is to lay in bed and read fiction. It's an image of contentment and cozy security while my mind goes on a vacation filled with adventure. I think that I must have inherited this combination of homebody-ness and desire for interesting quests and challenges from my parents who were both afraid and boldly brave at the same time. They did amazing things but despite all their love they somehow failed to instill that intrepid confidence in me. I think I could have learned it if I had kept up judo class or some other martial arts. But I remember getting hit hard in the chest (forming boob area) by a boy in the class and got really turned off by the whole thing.

Improv Comedy Ideas

After the acting class did a sort of improv game that had most people stumped I came up with a lot of ideas that I thought you could put in a hat and have people choose if they needed a prompt: it's based on if you start with one person, like on Whose Line is it Anyway, and improvise something with an imagined prop perhaps, and then someone can come in and someone else can tap in and take over...So here are some ideas I wrote down: "Who's next? What can I do for you?" (at a return register, DMV, pharmacy, etc.) "I'm sorry, sir you're card was declined..." (at a restaurant, department store, etc.) "Hurry! They're here! We need to hide!Where's you...(laser gun, etc.) weapon? Here, do you know how to use a (gun, banana, etc.) "It's your serve!" (hold racquet or paddle) "Sing I"m a lumberjack song." "Here are the details you asked for on the ..." (new job applicants, war-peace treaty) "You look tired Mr./Madame president..." "It works better if you use clay instead of jello." "Do you know why I asked you to stay after class?" "So you want two dozen roses and what else?..." "Welcome to (Domino's/Pizza Hut, etc.) how may I help you?" " And ThAT'S your mission if you choose to accept it!" "Wait. You're better off riding THIS horse. He's slow." "And you sprinkle on the (salt and pepper) to finish, and Voila!" (on a cooking TV show segment) "The secret to a good author portrait for your book is to look mysterious..." (holding camera) or "The secret to a good Instagram photo is to hold the camera above your head instead of below..." (demonstrates) "This is Katy Mc Cullough with KRON4 News on the scene of Hurricane Lana and we have heard there's 50 mph gale force winds approaching and most people have already evacuated; Excuse me ma'am? Are you planning to evacuate? What are you doing out here in a swimsuit??

Long Ago (and not so Far Away)

Now, before I get too far into the new year and have to go back to school, I'm going to put my notes here, otherwise, knowing me, I never will. And I want to write because writers write. And I want to draw because artists work at their art. So I keep telling myself, and then not doing those things. I'm going to just transcribe my notes (several pieces of paper folded up small in the drawer) with as few edits as possible so it doesn't take ten hours. If it gets too long I'll break it up into separate entries.

Something I miss about California at my old house is that there were a lot of places to hide outside: in the tree in the backyard, in the tree down the road...until they cut down the tree in the back and I got too big to climb and hide in the cork tree. But if you walked up the hill or down the creek you could find a nook or a spot where you could lay down and curl up in the tall grasses or behind a bend in the creek bank and be by yourself.The cool breeze and warm sun were my companions in sadness and tranquility.

Here's the Monkey Garden from The House on Mango Street, this small excerpt reminds me of The Secret Garden which I used to love so much....and the hiding places in the park under the huge Willow tree and the mass of camellia bushes. "And then I don't know why but I had to run away. I had to hide myself at the other end of the garden, in the jungle part, under a tree that wouldn't mind if I lay down and cried a long time." And on feeling ashamed and embarrassed: "...I wanted to be dead, to turn into the rain, my eyes melt into the ground like two black snails...I closed my eyes and willed it, but when I got up all I had was a headache."


The Year of the Dog

Happy New Year's Day!!!