Wensdee

IT's Back To School Night; I wanted to go, but I didn't. Someone worked on making a break schedule so that we can all try to get our assigned breaks, which are often missed, and I made a weird sign. I mean I just made ti haphazardly like an uncoordinated person would do it. It would've been easy to make it straight across, but I wanted to make it more fun and kooky by putting it on an angle curving. What I should've done was straight across but one up one down just centered. I wanted to redo it, but once I put on the glue stick it was stuck for good.  Hopefully, the teacher will fix it someday.

A kid said he loved me but later he said I was hideous. Good word! Sometimes some of the kids act like immature little brats. Another student called his classmate on the team a dummy using a very annoying whiny tone of voice. I think he must talk that way at home a lot because it seems to be his goto complaining voice. But I hope he outgrows it. I don't think that he even realizes how he sounds. I think he will learn in time that he will be more popular (a thing he definitely wishes for) when he becomes nicer and shows people respect instead of trying to win attention by being overly flirtatious and negging and bullying. I'm not sure how to teach someone respect except by earning theirs first and then teaching by example. But they have to be willing to listen first.

I worked with someone I hadn't helped before who is the brother of a student in my other class. He is very sweet and polite and tries to do work but I do not think he can read. I'm not sure of his overall cognitive ability because I don't get to see any testing scores, just what other people tell me.

Yesterday  I had my back injection appointment and I was very grateful that Steve could accompany me. It went well. I'm supposed to keep track of my pain levels for the next week and see if it is helping. Afterwards, Steve drove us to Outback Steakhouse where we've never been to while I slept in the back of the car. Now instead of taking 18 little pills a day, I am supposed to take 3 large pills a day. They slowly increased the dosage (called triation I learned) until I was up to a certain level of grams or milligrams. I'm not sure I have to look at the bottle.

I'm watching this show called Mr. Mercedes produced by Stephen King from his book. It's not horror but more cat and mouse, detective and killer.

Puerto Rico is in serious trouble after being devastated by Hurricane Maria. I hope they receive help soon they need it so much.

Peace.
I can and need to start daily yoga again. It's the way back to health and wellness. And more green juice. I know I am vegetable deprived!

Toozdee

Day went well, remembered mostly where to go and what to
do, Rehearsed a scene to read with theater student. Read a book with reading student. Helped out a lot in History and Art class to guide and inspire kids. Pretty good overall. Helped change wheelchair friend and load him safely onto the bus. Made some kids laugh and stayed pretty organized. Gave a gift to a nice teacher. PEACE
Afterschool went to get my epidural steroid shot then sleep in the back of the car while Steve took us to Outback Steakhouse where we had a delicious meal I could criticize, but won't, it was pretty good.

Strawberry lemonade and Fosters were very good!

what happened to Monddee

Missed Mondee...

Sundee

I am very grateful to have weekends off. We slept in and had french toast and went to the music store and Powell's books. Later we went to the gym and relaxed in the hot tub and pool before coming home to watch the new Star Trek and eat some yummy salad and rigatoni. Peace.

Sattidy

I did next to nothing today.
Peace.

Fry-Day

Hello. Cool things today. A list of sorts.

About ten rats of all denominations and sizes were seen jumping out of the dumpsters nextdoor.

I helped someone on their path to learning to read today, just by reading with them.

I took my neighbor shopping and she helped me make lost cat posters for our pal.

I cashed my paycheck and almost immediately donated $35 to people raising moolah for their homeless program.

I went to the store and talked to lots of folks randomly and bought ingredients for clam pizza!

I missed my first break so I took it as a longer lunch and nobody razzed me out for it.

I am particularly happy that we went out to hang up lost cat signs tonight because it helped Nora to feel better.

I talked to my old high school chum Rachel today via text in California and it was nice to connect for a minute.

I got some great laughs today from the kids in theater class who were serious crack ups. Very nice.

Peace and Love. Goodnight.

P.S. I explained to a student what 'Planned Obsolescence' is when we were discussing toasters and air conditioners. It was a brief yet mutually (I felt) conversation.

Life is...Good.

I'm not going to write about anything depressing today.
Only positive things.
Though I did come seconds away from having a falling ceiling tile land on my head.
But it didn't happen, so it has to be only positive! I mean, that's good luck, right?

I got to make a hundred photocopies, discover the machine would sort and staple them for me (nice!) and participate in an afterschool theater group. What else? Played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle UNO and told some kids to get to class. Also 'kicked' a girl and boy out of the boys' bathroom. Ha ha. They probably went back after I left. I don't mind being an authoritarian figure just a little bit. I'm not a skilled disciplinarian though. That's something that takes practice and education. Trial and error. Different students respond to different types of motivation; I guess we all do...

That's all I feel is what I feel like sharing for now. I just felt like it was important to write something every day, and I really feel down when I don't do it. Feelings feeling feelings. Ask yourself every day 'How do I feel?' and then ask why. It's a good exercise.

Peace.

Oh, and one more thing. I think I mentioned a while back about seeing a gal proudly (well, not proudly exactly, but not ashamedly either. Just regularly.) wearing a Nickelback shirt to school?
Well.....today I witnessed a boy wearing a Justin Bieber concert shirt. So. That's interesting! I sincerely hope that no one makes fun of these two because they are doing their thing; good for them.

Humpty Day (Also, Payday!)

So I don't feel so dumb now. I read a pamphlet for the school today while waiting with some kids for locker assignments and in the listed departments it clearly stated: English Language Arts. So when the teacher said Language Arts, she was abbreviating. She presumed I knew the jargon and assumed I would infer the missing word. I was thinking on and off all day about what I could say to the lady who was basically dissing non-English speakers. I got to swap my school laptop for a touch screen one. There are over 200 deaths reported from the Mexico City earthquake. South Park was on tonight; Tweak was flipping out over his fear of the U.S. president invoking war w/N.Korea. Hurricane Maria is heading to Puerto Rico. There's still severe flooding and cleanup happening from the first few (!!) hurricanes. Broad City was lighthearted and escapist. I'm tired. I love you, PEACE! Goodnight.

Blipppity Blup Blup Blop (Another Toozdee)

I have notes for blog entries in about four different notebooks, on scraps of paper around different surfaces and in my phone, so  I should compile all those. But for now I'm just going freeball it and chat about the day. A lot happened and it was one of those days that felt extra full and busy. Some of the highlights were: sharing some illustrations in the book Alice's Adventures in Wonderland with a kid, a helpful librarian who ordered a transfer of the graphic novel version of The Wizard of Oz from another school for me, watching students complete work experience tasks independently and successfully, learning how to use a stander so kids in wheelchairs can experience standing, and playing a round of UNO (I didn't think it possible, but I miss playing UNO with those great kids from last year!). It was also slightly wacky weather, a harbinger of Autumnal equinox, stormy rains then clear blue skies with chilly breezes, then repeat.

I have to be careful when I go with the kids to do school recycling because I can't help but look at all the paper and sometimes books that are tossed and want to look through them and collect some to take home for possible art collage or reading. I grabbed two books today, one for a student and one for me. And then I had to carry them around while we finished work.

The latest update regarding the local wildfires is that over 45,ooo acres have burned and ...wait, did I write this yesterday already? Okay, here's newer news: there was an earthquake in Mexico City that killed 112 people (so far...) and ruined streets and buildings. It was the strongest one since 1985, and coincidentally occurred on the same exact fucking date. The latest hurricane is Maria. I think. And it hit Dominica hard and is moving on to Puerto Rico.

A neighbor gave us a microwave and a chair and another neighbor gave us a handmade stained glass hanging decoration. Nice nice neighbors! I still need to make a late bday card for a different neighbor, and a happy retirement for yet another neighbor. Neighbor friends are nice, I need to acknowledge them!

I was surprised to hear someone who works at the school make an intolerant remark about how people should learn English if they live in the US and she shouldn't have to learn Spanish. I wasn't eavesdropping, she was talking pretty loudly to another staff person in the hall. It reminded me of last year when co-teacher at other school made a disparaging remark about how Beauty and the Beast movie was terrible for having a gay character. I was really disappointed to hear these things and I should have said exactly that. "I'm really disappointed to hear you say that. You work in a place where we are supposed to be opening and welcoming to all races, genders and ethnicities." Basically a nice way of saying: what you are saying disgusts me, you suck, get an attitude adjustment.

Well, I really need to practice saying stuff like that and communicate to these remarks directly instead of feeling tongue-tied and not using my voice. I know I can do it. I just need to practice and have some go-to responses like lines from a script in my repertoire. I wish you Peace, and the ability to speak up when you see or hear something that is hurtful or harmful or just rubs you the wrong way.

Flake (Mondee)

I flaked on writing this weekend. But I'm not going to let that become a roadblock. That's the difference between me this year and last year.

Today was...good! I had to do my best to keep kids focused and on task which is easy or not depending on if the student is viewing it as encouragement or nagging, and that depends on the individual and their attitude.

I'm still learning things every day about the school and the students and the other teachers. For example, I spoke to a teacher in the bathroom today and I was like: You're in the language department right? And my memory was semi-accurate, she said Yes! But then I'm like: You teach Japanese and French, or... and I thought she might say, no, Spanish, or something, but she said English, it's Language Arts. And I was honestly confused, for some reason I never learned what that was, so I asked: like literature? And she explained it's composition and grammar but I'm still not crystal clear on what Language Arts means. I don't even know if I should be capitalizing it or not. Maybe it's poetry and essays? And she further explained that I was thinking of  'World Languages'.

I didn't mean to sound ignorant, but when do you actually hear that terminology except in academic settings? I suppose I should look up "Language Arts" so I am clued in. I couldn't quite tell if she was amused or disdainful of my lack of knowledge. Hopefully the former. I'd like to see her do my job (including changing grown kids' diapers) for a day if she was looking down on me. So I hope not!
I'm still figuring out what my role is when I'm in the classrooms as a support person. Specifically on how involved I should be and how much I should push them. I'm just doing my best and trying to feel it out in each situation. They say that trying is a success in itself.  If I was ever really going to become a teaching sub, I would definitely need to learn how to use more technology ie the projector and laptop setup, because most classes use that every day.

I finally got the chance to chat with my fellow support staff when we were asked to wait in the other room by the teacher while she had a parent meeting, and we ended up talking about cars and home mortgages. Which was not what I would have expected, but in retrospect, I'm the one who brought up both subjects. I got to know them a little bit from the conversation anyway. They are kindhearted.

I got to do a lot of coloring in an art class to make an example of analogous and complementary color schemes for the (super) nice teacher. So I felt useful and got to do some drawing too. Which is better than that day that I sharpened a whole bunch of pencils for them with a small handheld sharpener and got a big finger blister for my efforts. I offered her my assistance as a volunteer if she wanted extra help in the classroom after school, but she said they are good for now.

I still want to volunteer with the Drama department. Even if it's just organizing or building something and the drama teacher said that I could come anytime and they would have stuff for me to do. I'm pretty excited by that. I hope it works out. I'm going to donate our sewing machine to them because I never did learn to use it, which is sad because our mom taught us when we were kids and I have since totally forgotten from lack of use.

The update on the wildfires here is that over 45,000 acres are burned so far, with 32% contained by 7,500 firefighters working to support the process. Fortunately, it rained a lot yesterday and today and that will help, but it also increases the possibility of flash floods in those areas! I didn't even think of that issue until I heard it on the radio. "Rain can dislodge boulders and cause mudslides of previously burned areas." Thanks, radio (NPR/OPB)!

Our neighbor friend moved out yesterday after living here for many years, and we helped him a little bit. He is an author and deep thinker, and he gave us a copy of his book. Also his microwave oven and an old office chair. And a great table which I put into the laundry room with his friend's help to use as a folding area. He was really generous because that's how he is, but he also has much less room in his new place. He's the person who got me started practicing the ukulele by giving me a lesson! He plays ukulele and guitar and used to make his living as a musician and teacher. Pretty cool! I was a lot hesitant to accept his microwave gift since we've lived without one since my mom's old one died, but I think it will be good to have for the upcoming winter. Since I gave away my crockpot (slow cooker) when we got the ice cream maker, maybe it will be helpful to make soup or stew, without having to simmer it for hours on the stovetop.

I have got to make salad for us tonight. We had pizza and chicken wings two nights in a row, and I need some more vegetables! Peace and Love and Yoga (maybe I'll do some?! I need to...)💜

FRIDAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

If yesterday was a slow drag, then today was like a medium slow blur.

I found out I got a text asking me to come to a meeting and I didn't see it. 

I was in a homeroom class playing UNO and taking notes on an incredibly detailed character description that I was being dictated.

There's a football game tonight, which I guess there is every Friday, but not always at the school. When it's here, other players and their cheer team and all that come on busses.  I don't know if they bring their band. Probably not, because the halftime 'show' will be performed by 'our' band, according to someone in the color guard who I met. I met her yesterday walking to school in her socks carrying her high heel boots. I complimented her Tardis backpack and she pointed out her Doctor Who socks too. I decided to give her the Doctor Who sticker book I was bringing to school to maybe give to a student in my class as a reward if they did their acting scene. But I thought she really should have it.

I am so tired. This doesn't seem like it's a hard job, but it's a hard job. I don't think teaching as the main teacher is any easier, and there's a ton more paperwork, whether it's digital or actual paper, but they get paid approximately twice as much, which probably makes it a lot more fulfilling.

I just slept for almost eight hours. So I missed the football game and posting this in time and eating dinner. I woke up when Steve said hello and then went back to sleep while he played a video game. Then I woke up again and made some ramen (cup noodle with tinned tuna) and we watched a Bad Lip Reading (always hilarious) show. Now we're watching  "What Would You DO?" and they were at Voodoo Donuts in Portland! Usually, they are in New York or New Jersey, or we saw one in Atlanta.

It's not just working full time and walking a lot but also the medication I still have to take for my back that makes me so tired. I can only imagine what it must be like to have something like fibromyalgia and be in physical pain and exhausted all the time. In fact, I think my mom might have had that. Undiagnosed. That makes me real sad. But being tired so much makes me not want to do chores like house cleaning and dishes and gardening. And not have energy for things that I enjoy like reading. And definitely not for doing artwork, which is the most sad.

We shall see what the weekend brings. Probably some chores and hopefully some relaxation. Maybe a little tennis and roller skating, that would be fantastic. Maybe I'll pick up my ukulele for the first time in a week! Peace and Love.

Thurzdee

I am soooo tired. I slept a long time after I got home, woke up and got the potatoes out of the oven (already turned off) and ate some yummy taco bell that Steve brought home. I am going back to sleep soon as it's already real bedtime. Peace and Love.
P.S. School was okay, I was tired all day. I kept forgetting stuff. But at the same time not. Just thinking I was all day. Thanks. Goodnight.

Wenzdee

I've gotta write now or I never will. I'm not not feeling like it, I am just not motivated right now. But it's getting late. It's nine pm and it's dark which bums me out. I dearly love the summer for its light. For those days when it's still light outside at this time.
The radio announced this morning that more than 36 people lost their lives from this latest hurricane.
There has been an arrest for arson for the wildfires here that are still burning.
Meanwhile, I had a successful doctor visit (lady parts, ha. ha.) and did some self-care, thanks to Steve for buying it for me, in the form of a professional facial and a manicure. The manicurist was a little surprised I didn't even want polish, but I ain't got time for that.

I'm still slightly obsessed with the non-dress-code adhering individuals (all female) at the school. I don't think I would give a hoot except that they are blatantly disregarding rules and no one is enforcing them. If there wasn't a rule that kept being announced, I wouldn't care. Let 'em wear it if they are comfortable and confident in it (short shorts, bare midriffs and see through-ish leggings). That's cool. But if the school says do not do this thing, and they do it, and they don't receive any consequences, then I blame the school. And it's just dumb to make rules if you don't follow through. Though their reasoning for the rule is not totally clear to me, so maybe it is a dumb rule in the first place and worth rebelling against. It is probably related to wanting the students to be more professional and respectful in their attire while attending a place of learning. I don't know for sure.

I did some work last night cutting and gluing to make a display for the kids' art in class and got to school early to put it up, which seemed to be appreciated so I was really glad I made the extra effort. The teacher and my coworker said I did a great job working with a particular student, and that also really boosted my confidence. I appreciated the positive feedback very much. Seriously.

I have to encourage a kid tomorrow in an acting class who is fond of saying things are boring and he doesn't care, so that will be fun. I am thinking of trying to bribe him with some Doctor Who stickers.
I'm going to cut this short because I want to go eat my burrito Steve got me last night, but in the future, I want to say more about past jobs I've had because I need to ruminate on how and why I am where I am. And also share stories about the interesting people I've met and some of the crappy things I have had to do to survive. Literally crappy, like cleaning poop. Ha. Ha. Yeah, well...PEACE.

When I was just searching for an image to insert here, I inadvertently discovered it's almost International Peace Day. 💗

Toozdee

Second Tuesday

Today was pretty good. After school, I got some tips and help in using technology from the nice tech person and the nice librarian (both women).  So that was nice. My coworker Susan joined me and got signed up for her accounts too so it was very useful. I learned a little about Google docs and Google drive and sharing, etc.

Acting class was pretty interesting because everyone performed their mime scenes. Art class was interesting because they did more contour line drawing and a slide show. I drew along with them and tried to be helpful with the projector and clean up afterward. History was educational. Also early so I was tired still. We watched a CNN10 about the Palombo family and their 9/11 experience. It was sad and emotional.          

                            

 It's a very beautiful day. The kids are practicing soccer in the fields and the grass smells like Spring. I keep seeing trash on my way to school so I'm going to participate in the school community ideal and do some cleanup. I also need to do dishes like nobody's business. But first, I need a cup of noodles.
Steven got us a new keyboard that lights up and it is fabulous. Makes life so much easier when typing! He also got me a revolving pop socket for my phone which acts as a stand and a groovy holder.

I need to go hang out in the library again soon to actually look at the books. I have many unread books at home still, but I should look anyway. Three students who are in our class didn't come today and I immediately wished I had the power (authorization) to call them or their parents to find out why. I wish someone had done that for me in high school. Well, I wish I had gone to a different high school, but I also wish someone had cared enough to check on me. And my mom.

Peace to you all.
                                                               

Holy Cross Cemetery Dogs - People Behaving Badly

This is where my father and his family are entombed. I have only visited once.

Monday Again

Today is September 11th. Sixteen years ago America was attacked when passenger planes were hijacked by terrorists and flown into New York's twin towers. They showed a CNN video in class in remembrance of the tragedy and I almost cried. I held it back so I wouldn't get overly emotional in class. Then they did a segment about the hurricanes and tropical storms hitting Texas and Florida now.

So school went okay. I finally got a chance to see the buildings I hadn't been in before, got my photo taken for a new identification card, and made an appointment with the library tech person to get some help with my computer. I also helped transfer a wheelchair student into a Hoyer sling and onto the table. It's a careful process and you need to be slow and safe when following the steps.

I went to two work experience classes with kids and helped others with school work. There was a thirty-minute assembly with everyone from the whole school. The band performed, the school song was sung, the cheer squad danced and cartwheeled, the principal gave a speech. I liked the parts when the first years won the impromptu competition, and the exchange students introduced themselves.
Besides that I just sort of felt like I was an extra in a high school movie.

I came home for lunch and Steve was here so I guess he had today off work which is nice! I didn't know. I 'caught' some girls smoking and said it was private property so they couldn't hang out there. They were civil about it. There's going to be a different schedule on Wednesday and I am going to need to remember to go early to my doctor appointment.

I almost forgot to take my meds tonight I was so tired. I want to exercise (bike ride and roller skate and go to the gym a bit) but I'm so tired after walking around the big school I just want a nap and food.

Today one of the first students I saw on campus had on a skirt that didn't cover the poor girl's rear end. She was wearing dark stockings so it wasn't as obvious, but I just know she was going around all day trying to keep pulling it down in the back. Because I have had those days. The garment industry just doesn't make short straight skirts that work for curvier gals. They need to be longer in the back because when you have a backside that curves outward or sideways it takes more fabric to cover.

They did a dress code reminder announcement over the loudspeaker today, but I doubt too many people were paying attention. I'm not going to fret over it any longer. I'm going to watch some TV now. There's a new sci-fi show called The Orville. God Bless America; be useful and be kind. Peace.

Weekend

Goodbye Sweet, Relaxing Weekend

It's the end of the first weekend after the first week of school. I'm anxious about the upcoming full week of school since I still feel like I didn't get all the information I need to know and don't totally know my way around. BUT I am grateful for this job. I have the bonus of being able to wear pretty much whatever I want and to have Saturday's and Sunday's and holidays off. That is the opposite of retail, so it is something to be thankful for. I don't like the lack of training and disorganization or only getting paid once per month. I didn't even know that we got paychecks over the summer. No one told me! I wonder what else I don't know. I have the sense that it's a lot.

So I did a lot and not a lot today. We hand washed Steve's car of all the residual ash from the wildfires, ordered some cute sticky notes from Amazon to use in school, received Steve's cool new Tardis design iPad cover/case, and my new fanny pack to use in school for holding phone and pens. I thought I was going to wear my apron like I did in Summer school, but an apron doesn't seem like a good fit for this class. It's more appropriate for elementary. I did a big load of laundry and played a lot of piano and ukulele, working on old songs and new; some Classical and some modern. We went out to Trader Joe's for a few things, and the cricket store, but they were out of crickets. Steve got his mom an early Christmas gift for working on her dog's nails.

We're making a frozen veggie lasagna for supper. And watching The Great British Bake Off now.

Last night we got a really tasty pizza and boneless garlic wings from Pizza Hut. It was good stuff for a rainy night. We re-watched Get Out movie by Jordan Peele, and a new sci fi horror called Life, that was pretty dumb, but fun to watch. As usual, I wish it was a three day weekend. That's one of my unattained (yet so far) goals, is to have a four day work week. I would work ten-hour shifts in exchange for that. However, if I can achieve making children's books, then I can create my own schedule as long as I am productive and stick to it. I am also still thinking about the ideas of either working at a community college or a Montessori school. I think I would be happiest with the most creative and open minded job possible. High school isn't bad, but I didn't love it the first time around, and I am constantly being reminded of why now. Mostly the bureaucracy and hypocrisy.

I have to go check on the lasagna.

Looks good. I added some extra cheese and a few olives and put in the tray of sweet potato fries that Steven chose. They look good too.

Later...I accidentally upended a small frypan that was on the stove top and where almost a whole cube of softened butter was living onto the open oven door. It's a small mess, but smells delicious. Melted butter. Mmmmmm......

So I think (and hope and pray) that as long as I keep up my discipline of writing every day that I will be already better off than I was last year when I was writing notes here and there, for my memory and reference, but mostly keeping my frustrations and feelings to myself. It's so much better to express yourself and talk about it. Whatever it is. Successes, confusion, failures, dissatisfaction...Even if it's in writing rather than to another person. I'm going to assemble my items to put in my new fanny pack and get my papers organized on a clipboard, then I can be somewhat ready for Monday.

Hurricane Irma is the big deal right now causing major evacuations and chaos in Florida. I am so glad my Uncle doesn't live there anymore; although he misses the warmth.
Peace and Love.

Weekend!

Saturday Fun Day

Yay, Weekend is here. We walked up and watched the end of the town parade, just in time to walk along with the marching band from the high school I was at last year. They are very good! I love drum-corps music. We also ran into a student from my class, roller blading along, and said hello!

Then we walked to a Starbucks and hung out on our computers with some iced drinks. The wildfire smoke has all cleared from this area and we had blue skies and very warm weather today. But now it's windy and raining for the first time in many weeks. I read school emails on my school loaned laptop and finally figured out how to add a profile picture. I also found the school handbook and read through that and some other official staff information. What I couldn't find were some google docs that the teacher supposedly sent to our classroom staff. I'm going to have to ask for help with that and some other Chromebook questions I have.

There is something bugging me a bit. Supposedly we have a general dress code which says no crop tops and no short shorts. But all week I have seen several short shorts and even one cheeks out pair.  

                                                          
                                                     Like seriously. Like this gal in the photo.

I saw our VP so I decided to ask her about the policy and she confirmed there was a policy, but said it was a case by case basis on how it is enforced and was really up to their classroom teachers to discuss the subject with the student. She said they usually suggest that the kid try to make 'better choices'. I hope they do...because unless you want people to look at your bum, you should not wear tight pants or short shorts. It's just simple physiological pseudo psycho-science. Funnily enough, I haven't noticed any super short skirts. So I guess those just aren't in style anymore.

After Starbucks, we went to the store and got some coffee filters, new video game T-shirts (bogo!), a pour over coffee filter holder, and vacuum cleaner bags (on clearance, which is cool, but I think they're discontinuing them because most people have canister vacuums now. But I still use the one I got from my mom which takes Hoover Type A bags. TMI. Sorry. Then we went to lunch at Potbelly Sandwiches where I have never been and got a delicious turkey bacon sub and some soup. And three Giant pickles for only one dollar each. Did I forget to mention the claw game?

                                       They probably weren't these (from Pickles Deli in Clinton, WA) but they look similar!

You know those claw games in the lobby of any store? There was one with so few prizes left that Steve determined that it must be one of the rare ones where you can actually win. And he did! He won me a Betty Boop doll on the second try. Which I gave away to the gal working in the Halloween City store because she was so nice and said her grandma loves Betty Boop so much. Peace!

Fourth First Day

Today was Friday. 

I woke up tired. Again. But now it's the end of the day; I am at home. Steve is home early. Actually, he had the day off and was even home at lunchtime, which sort of threw off my 'lunchtime game'. I almost forgot to take my meds for my back. But it was really great to get a hug and a kiss and some company...and now I am home and enjoying a beer or two and listening to The Crabfeast podcast.

I got to do different things today which was great. And I knew in advance when my lunchtime was going to be; ditto with great. I got to go to an acting class and we watched the first part of the 1989 TV version of the play Our Town. The teacher noted that Spalding Gray was the main character, the narrator, but didn't mention his suicide...it was sad to watch because of that. Steven and I saw an exemplary high school version of it a few years ago and I think it was the first time he had seen it. The teach did say that although it was from 1938 it is still referenced a lot today.Which is so true!  It was one of the first major plays to utilize minimal stage sets and props as well as constantly breaking the fourth wall and perpetrating the meta play trope where characters themselves reference the play.

I wanted to say wait, didn't Shakespeare do that? Where they acknowledged that they were only actors within a stage play performing for an audience? But I couldn't remember a direct reference so I didn't say anything. It was funny for a second when he said Our Town by Gordon Wilder, and I was like, Wha...? But the next time he said it correctly so either it was a small faux pas and he was just tired or, well, that was probably it. I'm tired so I'm sure the teachers are tired. And they have more to do like plan lessons and lectures and take attendance. I would do what they do in college and pass around a sheet where everyone signs their names while I start the lesson. Because I am efficient and shit! I also had a great idea in an art class that if I taught I would use a bell or cymbals to gently ring and remind ppl that it was time to pay attention. Or be quiet. The drama teacher used a flashlight and shone it on ppl who were talking or using their phones during the movie.

Then we got to do an imaginary pantomime where you envision yourself entering a room and turning on the light and shutting the door and discovering an object that you use and then hearing a sound that causes you to leave the room. I was helping a student figure out how to do this so that was fun and challenging. She was a cool kid who just had limited attention span and focuses. So we did what we could and that was cool.

I had a break in one room and found a bookshelf which is my favorite thing, so I read during break time and borrowed the book so I still had it when I got to work during last period with our one nonverbal student Sasha. I asked her if I could read it to her and with her eye gaze indicating yes, I read this children's book by Margaret Atwood to her. It reminded me of SMART and I am hoping I get to do that this year again. It gives me like the most joy to read to kids and help to teach them how to read. It appears that a handful of kids in our main class have great difficulty and lack confidence in reading and writing. Which indicates to me that their parents left it to the schools and didn't practice at home at all. Because that's how you learn. And there's never enough time or emphasis on it in school.

I had a conversation with a band member and she said they practice for over three hours at a time. I was so impressed. I wish that I had been in a band in high school. I don't recall us even having one. I'm signing off. I could write for another hour but we have a Winco pizza to assemble and bake and a few beers to enjoy. God Bless America and the World. You are all very Special and deserve Love. Peace!

Third First Day

Untitled...

I keep saying first day because there are things so far each day that I have never done before, and I still don't know so many things that it still feels like the first day to me.

A coworker broke down crying and I gave her a hug to show I cared and because I cried the other day and wished that someone had given me a hug. She was working with someone with severe disabilities and had a really rough day. I can totally relate from last year.

I am still sleep deprived; getting used to waking up early, but I remind myself it's not five a.m. And I repeat, it's not five fucking A.M., which is when I had to wake up every day last year. Believe me, I am so grateful for that. And I plan one day to start doing yoga in the morning since I have 'time'. Yesterday and today I took a three hour nap before dinner and that helped me feel better. The meds I'm on for my back make me extra tired, and I think it's good self-care to allow myself to just avoid chores and sleep if I feel I need it. I'd love to go to the gym though, and swim, but I'm too t i r e d. Hopefully I will just go soon, and it will make me happy.

                                   

I definitely need to remind myself to go with the flow more, and not get stressed out because it simply won't help to worry.

Everything was disorganized yesterday. Or maybe it wasn't and I just didn't know the routine. But the class schedules were being given out in one place and then they moved them to a different place, without putting up a sign or anything announcing that...so I walked some kids over there and then had to ask a few people and finally made it to the spot. If they had stayed in the first location for an extra 15 minutes it would have saved at least 20 students a lot of confusion (and standing around waiting). To be fair, everyone has been pretty friendly and mostly nice as possible, so it's just the infrastructure I'm complaining about. Like how they assigned me a laptop but didn't instruct me in how to use it or what to use it for. Notes? Communication?

Most frustrating is learning the schedule, but I did a little better today than yesterday. I didn't take my breaks again, because I didn't know when they were, but the teacher said at the end of the day that I just have to take them. Just ... say you're going and go. I like having specific times, but I guess I can figure it out somehow!

I sat in on a few classes today and they were all the same.The teacher in front, desks in rows is so outdated. It's harder to hear and pay attention in the back. It's time to change and update it, for real!

                                                 I think all classes should do something like this.

It's really cool to see the kids getting to know each other. Some are more outgoing than others, and try to engage in conversation. I heard one say to another: So, hey, what sorts of things do you like to do for fun? And the more quiet person answered: Uhhhmmm....swimming. Then the first kid said: OH, yeah, well, I like skateboarding and bike riding and hanging out with friends and walking around town. Do you ever do that? And the second kid answered: Uhhhmmm....no, not really.

I found out today that those two specific bathrooms are locked a lot because it's been a place where students have gone to smoke pot.

Ah-ha. OMG, I had to go to more math classes today, and I was like, what have I done? Why am I in high school again? I hated high school (overall in general)!!
And I started to think of ways to not be there. Write my children's book, apply to work at Community College, move...There were some positive moments though. I am grateful to have a job, and to be learning. That's what I need to try and focus on. I'm proud of myself for writing here even though I have not felt like it at all. It's good to practice typing and it's good to talk about my feelings! PEACE!

P.S. There are now over 32,000 acres burned in Oregon state and it's going to be weeks before it is fully contained with help from Mother Nature giving us rain. It's been declared a high priority Nationally and firefighters are coming from all over to work. There were the first spots of blue sky peeking through in weeks today and I had forgotten what it looked like. Like that Doctor Who where they're on a ship with so many floors that it's different times on each floor...

No injuries have been reported and no homes or structures have been damaged so far, fire managers said. State officials said firefighters worked for hours to protect the historic lodge at Multnomah Falls, the state's highest waterfall at about 620 feet. Oregonian Article here

Second First Day

Everything went wrong

OKay, well not everything. But a lot of things. The buses were all over the place and I didn't find out until later that there were maps with the bus numbers and locations. There was only one person there helping out and lots of kids were so confused. A younger kid was crying. I could relate.

More than one kid got left behind and had to call their parents. A kid who I was helping to find his bus got on it, then I saw him later not on it. I believe he had gotten off (do the bus drivers let you do that?) because he didn't know where his stop was. He was on the phone so I guess he was calling for a ride. I wasn't warned about things like this. 

The bathrooms near our class were locked. I had to take two boys to find a bathroom when I'm new and don't know where things are, and so I had them use the staff bathroom. Because by the time you actually ask to go to the bathroom, you have usually needed to go for awhile before that. I also hate it when teachers make kids wait.

I was supposed to go to a math class with a boy who didn't know me and should have been introduced to me by someone who he knew from last year because that caused him a lot of anguish. I wasn't told how to find the classroom, and I thought it couldn't be that hard, but it was. There are limited stairways and they are not marked at all. Malls have better signage than schools. There should always be clear directional signs for bathrooms and stairs. For finding your way around and for fucking emergencies.

My teacher was MIA for the first two hours. She hadn't said this yesterday. I wasn't left with instructions of what I was supposed to do. I felt abandoned. I work well independently but not until I know what my job is supposed to be doing! That just exemplifies my advocacy of a shadow week for new people. It's what they do in most places, and in my second classroom last year, where you simply follow someone around for a few days or a week who can train you and answer questions. It's not a difficult concept to understand the importance of. I just wish everyone else thought so.

The teacher passed out some math sheets one at a time. I think she should have passed them all out together and let the people who finished first read quietly. I'm a reading person and want to incorporate as much reading as possible into kids' lives. Because she didn't assign reading time until the end when they were not really into it, more anxious to socialize before leaving for home. It also would have been more efficient because the pages were already grouped. I get really frustrated when I see learning or reading time wasted because of poor planning or organization.

She had me write numbers to match people up in pairs and pass them out. It went awry because she had me make too many, but I didn't catch that either. People make mistakes. I hope it wasn't a test. It would have been so much easier if we had made them ahead of time and figured that out then. Before 

confusing ourselves and the kids!

I had no idea when my lunch or breaks were. I only got to take one of my breaks. I don't mind per se, but I would like to have them since they are my right and it helps a lot to get away from the environment and shut your eyes or read or use your phone for awhile. It's supposed to be your time to relax or snack or go to the bathroom, or whatever you want to do. Go talk to someone you need to see, etc.

I still haven't even seen half the school yet. Or the staff lounge.

One of the art teachers seems pretty great. She was a guidance counselor for fifteen years before this. I wonder what her life journey was like.

I'm really frustrated because I am still very overweight. Riding my bike to Summer school helped a lot, or started to, but then I stopped and now I feel like I am Mrs. Pudge again. I did a lot of walking around the school today though, and that will help. But God, was I tired. I came home and said to myself, okay, no TV before blogging, and then I promptly fell asleep for almost four hours. PEACE!

P.S. It may finally rain tonight, but as of this morning, there were 20,000 acres of forest land in Columbia Gorge area burnt or burning, and the air here is still smoky, and this is a devastating fire...

First Day

~I did it!~

I went to work! Big deal! Right? Well of course it was. This is only my second year working for the school district and it went really well, and that is great. I met about twenty people and several kids. There will be a ton (well, hundreds) more there tomorrow because today was freshmen, peer mentors and teachers/staff only. So that will likely feel overwhelming at first ... until I get used to it again. I will talk more about the details of the job and my experience later, but I have to ramble here for a few, just to get some thought webs out of my head.

Instead of abiding by my self-enforced 'no Twitter until you blawg' rule; since I have done that pretty successfully for almost thirty days; I allowed myself on it, but made the addendum of  'no TV until you write' rule. And I stuck to that, by the hair of my chin (ie I really wanted to watch something while I wrote, as I usually do). BUT, I was on Twitter for about 4 hours! So, I don't know if that's going to work out😏. Also, now that school has begun again, I need to make time for yoga. I can't just do it 'whenever I feel like it' since I have a work schedule. So should I do it in the morning or after school or evenings? Or save it for the weekend? 

I am so completely blessed in this location assignment compared to last year. And they haven't asked me to be a bus aide, which is good because the car died. As in it is not driveable anymore. So I want to just write a Thank you prayer to God and the Universe for working in my favor to give me a position in which I can learn to be a better teacher, and human being. Thank you. Namaste. I just made a decision while I was finishing that sentence. I think that I should write immediately upon arriving home so that I can put down more immediate thoughts and reactions to my great new job that is going to undoubtedly challenge me in many ways.

That's enough for now. I'll figure out the yoga (and body scrubbing ritual too) logistics later. Meanwhile, the Oregon wildfires in the Columbia Gorge/Eagle Creek area are worsening and we woke up to ash falling from the sky as the winds blow it toward our neighborhoods and cities. It's a very terrible thing, and unfortunately, if it could get any worse, was caused by arson. This sucks big time. Firefighting crews are working nonstop, but the situation is massive. Think positive thoughts and helpful hopes so everyone stays safe. OH, and there's another serious hurricane called Irma in the Atlantic headed toward Florida, while the aftermath of Harvey is still wreaking havoc in Texas. I've gotta stay optimistic, because worry and stress will not help any of those situations. Peace.

Be Your Own Mom

Be your own mom

Your Own Yoda and

Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio's 'conscience')

I realized today when I was eating blueberry waffles that a lot of what I was writing the other day was centered around what is essentially 'good mom advice': eat your fruits and vegetables, take your vitamins, go outside for some fresh air, get more exercise, drink water, and always do your best and try to do the right thing. Most parents try to give their kids most of this advice, and make sure that they help you learn to take care of yourself. But that's not always the case and if it is, it's not always consistent, so you might have a memory of it, but not a lifetime routine that you carried on once you grew up. So a lot of us have to live by trial and error and learn on our own what to do and how to do it. And...a lot of us are better at that for whatever reasons of intelligence or self-preservation.

I have been told by more than a few people over many years, mostly adults at work or school, that I need to learn things the hard way. The first time I remember hearing it I was like, what do you mean? Well, if there's a simple way and a more challenging way you will take the latter. You will do the thing that takes more effort from you to try and achieve the same result. You will stress out and over analyze and become anxious over a thing that needs to be done, or is going to happen anyway, with or without your worrisome thoughts and behaviors. This is one of the biggest reasons in my mind that begs for parents and schools to teach meditation. 

There is epidemic anxiety and depression in young adults that could be greatly helped if as kids we were all peacefully instructed in how to use some basic techniques to calm down. Nobody, I don't think, likes to be instructed to calm down when they are freaking out. When you are in the middle of it, that's not really helpful. It might help though, if you could do it for yourself, if you had that ability in your personal mind repertoire. Some mantra, repeated calming words, and mental images along with slow deep breathing is all you need. Learning to be your own mom is a long journey of self-discovery, improved awareness and increasingly better self-care. Do one thing today. Eat some spinach! Or if you don't like spinach, do a guided meditation video. If you know someone that lives in another state, find their address and write them a note. Go for a walk to the post office to mail it.

Open Your Mind

So...

I am trying to be more open minded about how to help myself by doing good things more routinely. I tend to do that with things like yoga, motivational instruction books and other beneficial self-care things like taking an epsom salt bath, which is supposed to be really good for you, or taking vitamins, or even eating fruits and vegetables each day. I mean, I want to do it, I try it and enjoy it, but then I put the book away without implementing any of the suggested tools and methods, or I bookmark the yoga video and don't go back to it for another six months. 

So what I would like to do is continue to bring more awareness to this stuttering of mine that is mental, but also manifests in the physical way of stopping and not beginning again the things that are good for me and help me grow. My mental growth was stunted by years of drinking and prioritizing an unhealthy relationship over my own well being and future goals. I need to acknowledge that, appreciate it, and try to figure out how to keep moving forward and not stop again like I have done.

So I have been consciously trying to bring things into my life (books, videos, ideas, foods) that are nutrients for my mind and body. Here's a book I set down and stopped reading months ago, but I picked it up today and read some very profound words. This is from Where There Is Light: Insight and Inspiration to Meeting Life's Challenges by Paramahansa Yogananda (Author of Autobiography of a Yogi):
                                                         

"You can instill any trend in your consciousness. In the ultimate sense, all things are made of pure consciousness. You must change the thought process. We can start practicing any time and in any place. If we are lacking in will power, let us concentrate upon that. Inertia, or lack of undivided effort and attention is what is standing in your way. Everyone should learn to analyze him/herself dispassionately. Diagnose your failures and sort out your good and bad tendencies. Keep a journal of your introspection and destroy the bad habits that create pain and suffering. Avoid things that will ultimately hurt you, you will not miss anything but sorrow. Choose those things that will award you freedom and happiness." 

So that is paraphrased in part from pages 88-92 of chapter 8: 'Bringing Out the Best Within You', which is where I opened the book this morning and started reading, and going 'Ah-ha! I really needed to hear this right now!' Because I am being so consistent with my writing (here and now) and wanting desperately to not give it up as soon as I go back to work, like I did last year, I am seeking inspiration and motivation to not only continue writing, but also the things like exercise and yoga that are contributing to my back pain slowly improving. I didn't only stop writing when I started working at the school last year, I almost totally stopped exercising, except for some incidental walking about.

So it's too late to do some of the things I said I wanted to before school starts, but it's not too late to keep my self-wellness promises of keeping up personal writing and yoga time and eat better food.
I'm going to make working on time management and communication with 'authority figures' some of my upcoming goals. Because I am not good at those things and find them rather scary. Peace & Love

"MO"tivation

Sometimes everyone needs a little "Mo" 

Motivation

in their lives...

To do better or be better, or just to slow down and stop for awhile and relax. Motivation to be active and useful and help others is superb, but it's also muy importante to motivate yourself to be good and kind to yourself. That can take many forms, but as long as it's healthy for you, it's good. It might just be sleeping all day one day, or spending time making a delicious salad or smoothie. Maybe it's eating chocolate cake, or taking yourself to a movie. Maybe watch a yoga video and actually try to do it, or gift yourself a foot massage. Go buy some vitamin C so you strengthen your immune system before winter cold season, and find a nature park or outdoor space where you can go hang out for an hour.

Try to motivate some goodness toward yourself today, and maybe tomorrow, and the next day, and...

Self Care

Learning to help yourself

is a lot like teaching others, but more difficult for many reasons. It's much easier to say 'be good to yourself' than it is to do it. It has a lot to do with mindfulness and self-awareness. I used to know a woman (at Walmart) who, besides being an extremely nice person, had been through a lot of personal trauma in her life, but somehow kept a positive outlook on the world. She smoked cigarettes, as did I, but she took great care of her health as far as diet, and told me how she eats a big salad every single day. I claim to eat pretty well but I definitely don't do that. 

One of the things that Charlamagne tha God said in his book was that part of his healthy lifestyle includes eating something green with every meal. He gave examples of spinach with his eggs, salad for lunch and some asparagus with dinner. He said he used to be overweight and have a bad skin condition and ate fast food every day. He made the point that most people take much better care of their things like shoes and cars, than they do their own bodies. 

I think I know why. It's because we can't see inside our own selves. Literally we can only see our own outsides. Most of us don't even understand enough biology to know how our digestion system works, or what the purpose of our different organs are. It's fine to say you need to eat a balanced diet, but if you don't really get why then there's a disconnect. It's the same reason people don't drink enough water or walk around enough, which is the most basic health tip to feel better and have a functioning brain and body.

I'm thinking about this now because I want to be less haphazard with my own self-care. I tend to be more reactive than proactive when it comes to health. When I developed a cyst on a very sensitive part of my body I ended up reading a lot of health blogs and not only found some helpful information and advice, but was inspired by other women's personal stories about their experiences trying to improve their own health. I am still looking for the 'secret' to continuity; how to keep doing something that is good for you over and over on a regular basis; without becoming bored or tired of it.

I still have back pain (although it's much improved over time and with some meds I finally got) from an injury that happened a year ago. And so sporadically I go back (haha) to a couple different online yoga teachers who are amazing at what they do. What I wish is that I did it every single day, and not just when I am feeling pain. Yoga is the best preventative exercise one can do at home because it is specialized stretching that you don't think about doing until you are guided through a series of poses. And they build on each other so you become more flexible over time. I wish I did it every day. I wish.

The two teachers I keep going back to when I remind myself to take ten or twenty minutes to actually do something good for myself are Adriene Mishler (self-love) Yoga with Adriene (home page) and Jen Hilman (back pain) Jen Hilman (home page). I discovered Adriene when I was simply searching for some safe beginner's yoga and fell in love with her personality and expertise as a teacher. I found Jen when I came upon a YouTube channel called PsycheTruth and after checking out some of their different videos, she was the person who seemed the most accessible as a teacher; very laid back and caring. They are both really grounded in their yoga practice and seem to really understand how to explain the movements they are demonstrating while taking the time to tell you why they work.

Peace and Love.